It has been forever since I have been on here. It is hard to believe it is almost the end of the year! I lost my bets since I went home to get cake pans for a cake but also to see friends and family. Main reason though was the cake pans.

I am so glad to have Sarah apart of my life here. She is an amazing friend. We see eachothers needs most of time and also help eachother out when needed. Love her kids to death too. I may not always agree with everything and vice versa the support and encouragement is great. I know I don't set a good example in one area of my life right now but I am praying that God takes that away again. I allowed myself to do this and to tell the truth I am scared of giving it up cause it helps me not to eat all the time out of bordom and helps me have a little bit of Chris with me. I know this is just excuses but it is truth of how it satisfies my hurts/despair. I thank God for allowing friends and family to still love the person I am rather than rebuke me cause I have this bad habit.

I had parent teacher conferences tonight and Alex is still doing quite well in school. She has to take a test in fall and spring to see where she ranks in state average and this fall she is above the average. Her teacher was very pleased with her work and contribution in class too. I couldn't ask for better public school than this. I have also been placed in a great work atmosphere and love my work family.

It has been a year now since my foot injury and even though the pain and swelling is still there it is not as bad as it was.

Since Jan 24th I have lost 100 pounds. I am finding it is more difficult now to lose the last 30 pounds now that I am a smaller weight. In the past 3 months I have lost 26 pounds, and 10 inches in waist and 3.5 inches in hips and 1-2 inches in each thigh and arm. I work Thanksgiving so that will save me the calories but will miss the socialization with Sarah's loving family. Alex is gonna go with them. Thank you to Sarah's family for adopting us into their family. Things are going well for us and we love it here.
The most difficult for me is being so far away from friends and family who need help or go in and out of hospital for health issues. I am very thankful for my daughter, work, and family. God has truly blessed me. No matter the circumstances I face God is always there blessing my walk with Him. I owe my life to Him and He is the reason I am so happy and confident! Trust me there are days I still get so angry at Chris and God but things happen and we always don't understand why or how could we not have been able to do something to stop it. All I know is I have to keep trusting and believing God has a perfect plan for my life. God promises to prosper, provide, and catch me when I fall or become weak. I do have to say being a single parent is difficult and hard. I so wish and pray God will bring me a mate to help out. One who will help be a support in raising Alex and love us both. One who allows me to be me and also loves the Lord. One who will live in this cold cold cold part of the country unless God moves us elsewhere. I know it will happen and good comes to those who wait upon the Lord. I love you God and family and my friends. Thanks for your prayers and love and support, Cause of that we are doing well.

It has been a year and two months since I made the decision to move here to Iowa. It has been an up and down year but God is still faithful and just. Alex is doing well in school still and had even tried out for the OPUS choir. She didn't make it but the choir teacher enjoys her voice and ambition. It is hard to believe she is in the 5th grade already. Work is going well for me here as well. I love my co-workers dearly.

Now that it is getting colder I haven't been walking very much but I do workout twice a week for half an hour at a time. I am getting frustrated cause now that I am at a smaller size the weight isn't coming off as fast as I would like. I am trying to be ok with it but it is hard because I have not mastered the mental issue. I should be happy that I have lost 85 pounds in less than a year which some people can't even do that. I am happy most days but then I see myself as my 300 pound person and get discouraged but I am working at it.

I have several bets on the line that I am stubborn to prove people wrong. The bet is that I would not go back home to IN til Christmas. I have a whole outfit and several pops on the line. I have gotten through 44 days and have 69 to go. I don't know if I can make it but I am gonna for sure try. It helps that I have volunteered to work some Saturdays since work needed someone. It helps me stay in town.

It was nice on Alex's and my night to see another Colts fan. I stopped him and his family to ask You don't see many Colts fans here are you originally from IN? He said yes, but my wife is from IA I moved here 12 years ago. We love it. I agree with him, it is great here but there is also the love of friends and family you leave behind to do what is best for your life. But you just keep in touch and live each day to its fullest.

Today is sweetest day and I couldn't help but to remember my sweeties in life. The memories and the love we share(d). So I am ending this post with saying Happy Sweetest day to all of you I love and are such sweet friends.

Good Evening, Just got Alex packed for her first day of Fifth grade tomorrow. She has been waiting all summer for this day. Each day she said I wish school was starting. Where does the time go? She also thinks Iowa as her home. It has not even been a year yet and she gets homesick, or asks can we stay here until atleast I graduate.

I have reached the mid-20's now, losing 68 pounds since Jan 24th. I have about 50 more to lose to be where the doctor wants and about 80 to be where I want. We will see. I have pushed through tough pain with foot but well worth it. I try to walk 5-7 miles a day with some being none due to the pain. I am very thankful to Sarah for helping motivate me and sometimes having me tag along with her. I appreciate her walking my speed so I have company. She is doing great as well.

I am traveling the next few weekends then hope to finally be home and go to my church and just relax. I enjoy driving but there is also a time to just be home and not have craziness around you.

Be praying for my friend Gregg and his family as they still struggle with his heart condition and also financially. Another friend has a sinus infection that seems to be staying too. The pastor I worked under back home his son is in hospital due to serious infection to colon so keep him in your prayers. Continue to pray for my cousin's family as they are grieving the loss of Barb.

What a summer it has been. God has provided for Alex and I and we are doing well. Even though hours got cut at work, the front of store has helped us out and also picking up at other stores too. I have still been able to get my 40 hours a week unless I take off extra time to travel with Alex for her visits back home. She has been to 2 church camps and now off visiting grandma and grandpa in Indiana. I have walked 30 miles in the last 5 days and as long as I keep on my medication for foot my injury seems to keep up with the workout. In December I weighed nearly 300 pounds and now I am almost to the 20's. Some keep saying I am not eating but I am. I just am not hungry like I used to be. I eat very little. I am happy again and living life. In two weeks I will be taking motorcycle lessons. Just something I have always wanted to do and finally getting the guts to do it. Still debating if I will buy one to ride or not but until then I will be content in learning and riding on ones with friends. I have also come to the conclusion that I don't want another child, but want companionship. I miss just sitting with someone just talking, playing games, watching a movie or even going for a walk. Iowa is our home now and feels like home to both of us. I have great friends out here which I am thankful for. One is family but seems more of a close friend than a relative. I love God so much! Just wish I wouldn't turn to my own desires first alot of times. School starts in 3 weeks (Aug 18th) I can't believe she is in 5th grade. Before I know it she will be off to live her own life. Then what will I do? Hope you are doing well.

Good early morning, I am doing well. This week has been difficult to a point. Monday I was off due to switching another so he could go to his mothers for mothers day. I found out I didn't like days off during week while Alex is in school as the day was lonely. Wednesday, I saw the vein doctor and found out I have circulation and no blodclots so back to no idea what is causing the swelling and pain to foot. Thurs. had to deal with some things that was not pleasant. Friday, I spent the day working then two movies then to walk on treadmill to just appease my lonliness. Alex was at a friends house for the night. It has rained for a week now and finally yesterday and today the sun came out. I haven't slept much this week. Usually I don't get a restful night once or twice a week but this past one seemed like every night was sleepless. Again, it is 3am and I am awake. I get about 3 hours in a night and was thankful to have Saturday morning to sleep in so I got 6 hours. Today I took it easy as I didn't want to overdue my foot as I did work it Friday. It was nice to go do errands with Sarah. I agree with her it is so much more fun to do it together. I actually even got some lunch items while going with her. I am so thankful God has blessed this friendship with her, started out rocky but the rockiness when worked through builds stronger foundations. I am thankful for the friends and people God has put in my life to help make life better. I would be on here for days and it would be a novel if I would list all and how they are special to me. Just know that I hold all of you dearly and close to my heart and pray for you often. God has truly turned a bad thing into greatness. Thank you God and I am forever grateful.

Alex's Spring Program 4th grade

Alex with Marlene's and her teacher then Jon, Marlene and Alex before program.

Good Evening, Today I was able to switch with another so I could go to Alex's program. Here in Dike/New Hartford the kids splits the programs. This yr the K-2nd got Christmas and 3-4th graders got Spring concert. Next yr will be reversed. Here is one of the songs the 4th graders did.. A Pirates Life which Marlene and Alex did.


Jon which is in 3rd grade part of program.


Here is a Bop Shu-Wop that the 3rd graders did... my cousin's 3rd oldest boy Jon is the one in front of red and white striped shirt and behind the girl in blue and white swirl dress.


Do Re Mi by the 4th graders


Hope you enjoy these. Some more are on my fb page and I will try to download more this week to share.

Well, I made it through another week. It has been a trying week but I saw growth from last month in areas and also I am not allowing others reactions or actions to bother me as bad or long. If the rain is what it takes to praise You Jesus bring the rain! I am not giving up! I am not turning my back! I am still Yours!



I had my orthopedic appointment Thurs after having a fantastic time with Sarah at her house then for lunch at HuHot. The doctor had gorgeous blue eyes. Anyways, he is sending me to another doctor due to him thinking it is not a foot injury anymore. He thinks what happened is when you drive for a long period of time especially 8 hours and don't get out and stretch the fluids in your veins just sits there. Then when I got out of car and walked fluid rushed up through the veins fast causing the collapse of feet causing me to fall causing the injury. As far as the injury goes he says it is healed but doesn't know why foot is so swollen which he also said is swollen clear to my calf. He thinks it is a blood clot especially when I answered his question of if family has them. So I now have to go to a vein doctor to get a vein mapping to see if that is what is causing the swellness and pain. In meantime, no exercising and being careful so if it releases it doesn't go to my lungs. I know I trust God and I am in His Hands but I can't help to worry and be upset. Matter of fact, I have been up for 21 hours now with 3 of these hours trying to sleep but kept waking up every 5 minutes. God surely wouldn't have me die and leave Alex without any of her parents or having it be so close together! What happens if the worst does happen, I don't want her to be mad at God, I want her to know His love and compassion. Am I able to fly to FL with this condition with the air pressure and all? What next if it is not a bloodclot? How am I gonna lose weight and also help Alex run her mile? And more ?'s running through my head.

Today at work I ended up having to take my shoe off and put my medical boot on due to the swelling and pain. The shoe got so tight. I tried sitting but each time I sat down I needed to help customers with the others busy or on breaks. I moved up my appointment cause my boss said not to work around my schedule so I called and got one 5 days earlier which was the only earlier appt open. (Work is like that they take care of you like family) The schedule is made out 4 weeks in advance so I was thinking of them so I wouldn't let them down. So now my appt is May 12 at 8am. It is gonna be hard for me to take it easy and not do anything to cause it to errupt. You all know lately I have been impatient with it and want to exercise and run with Alex and even did the cha cha cha. I just am not one to sit still long, which drives people at work nuts and some family too. But they all love me and care for me and I do them.

Then after doctors visited with youth pastors wife from our Sunday church. We had fun and watched her son play tennis. He won all his matches. She talked to me about helping Ms Sharon with a small group. So I am praying about that. I do want to get back involved with events of the church.

I haven't told Alex cause she will worry like I am already. I will tell her when I know more. She just got her midterm trimester grades and she is still A student. Charlotte at work switched with me so I can go to her program on Monday.

God has truly blessed us and I know it was a right decision to make in moving here but it was hard one to make as well. I couldn't ask for a better place to be in my life right now. Focused on God and staying strong in Him with the help of my friends and family. My daughter and I are bonding and living life in happiness. Love to All.

Alex and my first Prom (2010)

Good Evening, It has been a week that felt very long. A co-worker on vacation, some unresolved issues still, and my foot. Thankfully I see the orthopedic doctor on Thurs. This week as I spent my focus alot more on Christ everything seemed more satisfying and managable. Even with the issues of others doings. It also helped with friends to be there to help me stay focused even if it was a text of have a great day or a friendly conversation.

Alex and my first prom picture! Here is a picture of us with the youth pastor John and his wife Michelle. Michelle is one of the ladies I bonded with at the women's retreat. Alex and I laughed hysterically when we saw a comment on this picture on the youth pastors album on facebook. One of his friends said for this pic What a beautiful family! Well, we are family in Christ. So what do I do? I comment Hi dad,your granddaughter says hi also. :-P (gotta love the kid in me)



Friday night(last night) Alex and I got dressed up and went to our first prom. She was excited for me as I didn't go to any of my proms growing up due to feeling like I was judged and not liked so I chose not to endure the pain of rejection. We went to this prom because it was "Ashes to Beauty" and we wouldn't be looked down on due to where we lived, what we wore, what we looked like,or if we could dance or not. It was about having fun and worshipping the Lord. :) After two hours of dancing there was a young adult in mid 20's(I think) who spoke. Krista spoke on God's love and how He burns the old decisions and life and creates beauty out of the ashes of our past. It was an amazing time. God used this to minister to the youth and also some neighborhood kids and several found the Lord and others recommitted. There are pics and movies on my facebook page and I will post a few here. It was a great time with Alex too. Despite my foot I did do the cha cha cha with her and it was great love and bonding time.

Here is one of the three women that made me feel like family at Assembly of God church here in Waterloo. Her name is Chris Bennett, husband is Tim, and she helps out the youth and drives the church van to pickup and drop the kids off. She goes along with Ms. Sharon who is pictured with Krista up above who was the first to be a friend. Sharon is the lady Alex and I had dinner with before Christmas and helped me through some of the grieving process. She lost her husband not too long ago either. Sept '08. She is also the one who we had the 60th bday party for. So glad to be apart of this family.

Well, it has been a better end of the week. I am praying for the pastor's wife Sarah from New Hartford Baptist church that she will be as comfortable as possible and feeling better. I am also praying her inducement goes well on Tuesday. Thursday morning(yesterday) I finally hit 20 pounds off since Jan 24th and taking March off. I have 25 to go to be at my lowest since giving birth which was 2006 (4 yrs after giving birth) and 70 to go for where doctor wants me and 100 for where I want to be but will see how I feel and look at 70. I pray for all who struggle with weight like me daily that God will give the strength and motivation you need to make healthy choices.

Tonight I have Marlene here at my house as Delphia has her classmates over for sleepover. I had to interrupt them for Don to help me. We heard a big boom and then power went out so the two girls were freaking out saying I am cold and can't see and ... so I said lets go bowling not thinking the garage door is electric. Tried to push it up but couldn't so then Don came and he showed me what to do when power is out for this garage door. So the girls and I went bowling. Marlene kicked our butts with the help of bumpers. She bowled a 129 and 150. I bowled 126 and can't remember all I know it was under 100. My bowling shoe had gum on bottom of it and they didn't have any other shoes for me as they were busy so I was off sink. Alex bowled over 100 both games too. So proud of them. I told them though I won first game cause I didn't use bumpers. :) We had fun. When we got home power was back on!!!

Prior to power going out we did go to Carlos O'kellys for dinner. The 3 of us ate for 10 dollars and then the bowling with shoes for 1 hour was 15 dollars and then we had snack on way home which was 5 dollars. So for a fun evening it was 10 dollars a person. Can't beat that. Thanks to coupon for dinner!!

Tomorrow morning plan on taking girls to IHOP for breakfast as I don't make breakfast. That is one thing I miss about Chris, he would make breakfast on Saturdays the past two years he was with us. Him and Alex would have a blast working together to make it. Hope to walk with Sarah early afternoon, then off to get ready for a surprise birthday party for a friend this weekend.

Hope you have a great weekend and God bless you.

God is in Control?

It seems like every week the bank that has the Ft Wayne house sends me something after getting a letter from lawyer to go through them not me but they don't listen. I just received something else last night and it cost me $1 to mail to lawyer. We tried to stay but now I have a new life. Frustratiing, that they don't read or listen. Many calls and letters have been done and the same things they keep sending. So thankful that lawyer is doing this free thus far since estate is closed.

Wow, who would have thought that within 7 days of eachother that both my cards from two different banks would have been breeched. Someone had dupilcated one and spent almost 900 dollars in New Jersey and now is under investigation, but I am expected to pay it until investigation is done and when done they will reimberse me but the problem is who has 900 to pay that they didn't spend since they don't have the $. Then the other one was not used but was in a group of numbers someone hacked into the banks database.

Not only is the enemy targeting me and finances but now he is using Alex to get me down. Alex was bullied on the bus on Monday. A girl spit on her and pulled her hair and called names. I know kids can be mean and call names but I draw the line when it comes to disrespect in physical form. Satan knows Alex is my love and means the world to me and knows she is all I have.

Well, on a positive note, I am getting a raise I was told, don't know exact week but it is in process. :) I thank God for my friend Michelle that she spent 45 minutes on phone with me tonight when I found out I have to either pay min payment and be charged interest or pay all and get reimbersed. She uplifted me and encouraged me.

Good Evening almost morning, I had a very productive morning and even woke up ten minutes before alarm rang which is very unusual I might add. Then Alex off to school and I was off to chiropractor and even stopped at a dentist office I pass everyday to see if they take my dental insurance and give them the info to get my charts from IN and then sat in my car awhile waiting for shift to start like I usually do. However, this early arriver was not so early today as she was scheduled at 9 not 10. It was a great laugh and no one would've known if I wouldn't have said anything about what the time clock said. It said clocking in late and that is how I found out. I was mad at myself for awhile but then chose to laugh it off and be happy. God spoke to me today saying...You deserve happiness just because. There is nothing you need to do to deserve happiness. There are no 'minimal requirements' for you to fulfill before you can claim happiness. You deserve happiness simply by virtue of having been born. That's it. Nothing more is required. Be happy.

I also was disturbed tonight when I recieved a msg on machine from my card services, saying please call we want to verify recent activity so I called and come to find out someone used my number at a BJ's warehouse in New Jersey for $889. I don't know how they got my number as I mark out the number on slips until there is a hole. So the card company said they are taking this charge off and closing this card number. I said please don't send me another card either. I haven't used it since the 21st. I was okay with it and didn't get down. I say this is a God win and He provided the service place to question me in NJ, He is in CONTROL!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tomorrow I leave for the ladies retreat which is my first. I am going so I can get to know some ladies better from church. I am hesitant cuz I like to help with events and host but not to keen on attending a large group setting. I am glad to be going to see what God has instore to enlighten me with.

Tonight I also wrote a couple of people I hurt to make amends and even though I did it to clear my heart of all ill I still am wishing for an apology on their part but not expecting it. It is in God's hands now. I now know they got my apology for my doings and actions and that is all I can do and say. I hope I can stay strong and true to who I am rather than be someone who I am not from now on.

I am loving the space still. It is great. I am also back on track as far as my packing lunches and drinking water. I have maintained the weight that I have lost off and looking forward to what God has instore for me this month.

I see an orthopedic doctor on the 29th for my foot to figure out why still swelling and when it is so swollen it hurts. I have to try to walk normal again and do stairs normal as well cuz it is making my hips sore and out of wack according to my chiropractor. It feels weird but have to do.

God is doing amazing things in my life. I have also recommited my life to Him on Easter Sunday. I am praising Him all day long and loving the life He has for me.

He is Risen indeed!!!!!! Praising Him all day long!!!! We had a great breakfast at church then a nice service. After church we had dinner with Sarah's side of the family here at the Dike Baptist Church. Then we came home and met the family that took the bunkbed out of our way. I moved a couple of things to make it walkable and more spacious now that the bed is out of the way. Alex and I are loving the space and keep walking in it. I don't have a before pic except on facebook but I do have the spacious picture. Bunkbed was where the white dresser is and had an inch in between the end of bed to couch. The dresser was at end of my bed and next to couch with little walk room in between bed and dresser.The table that is at end of bed now was next to china cupboard in corner. Space between china cupboard and bed was a sideways body and was tight.

After that we went to Don and Sarah's for Alex to roast marshmallows and hotdogs while Sarah and her cousin Anna and I visited and played Dutch Blitz. I had a headache most of the day and ended up with a small migraine this afternoon around 5pm. I took a maxalt before going over to their house and then had a coke there and by time I left (with 9 people there) it was gone. Don't know if it was the medication or coke or company but grateful it is gone.

I am so glad to be home for a change and able to worship with my church family here. I am looking forward to this month as I continue to grow in the Lord and learn what He has instore for me as well. I am grateful to tell you that I am Lovin Life and enjoying what I have around me. Thank you Lord. I love you and thank you for bearing my punishment on that cross.

Tomorrow is Easter and I am so blessed to have such a wonderful Father that cared enough about me that He beared my pain on that cross I nailed Him to. Looking forward to the celebration of the Risen King. I can not wait to be in the presence of the Lord amongst others. Where two or three are gathered there He will be. I can not thank God enough for sparing my life and bringing me through some difficult trying trials. I am in awww of Him.



Tonight Alex and I painted our nails to match our outfits. We had fun today even though it was a laxed day due to me not able to sleep last night. Last night we enjoyed the evening with our cousins that live 6 miles from us and enjoyed dinner and game/movie together. It has been awhile since seeing them and it was nice to see them again. Hopefully, not to much time passes before we do it again. Today Alex and I spent a laxed day together. I pray that she will see and know the love of God for herself and that she will hunger for Him and follow His ways. She is so sweet and caring. She is giving up her bunkbed,which I didn't ask her she told me I could get rid of them if I wanted to, so we can have more room in our small house we are renting. She has been sleeping on floor anyways due to rolling around so much her sheets come off within 10 minutes. Even though I am eagerly wanting a house that I can actually unpack in, I am thankful that God was able to give me the time and money to save so that when this set back came I didn't have to wonder or worry where was I gonna get the funds from,that I had it. Thank you God. His timing is always the best.

I see the doctor for my foot checkup on Monday. It is doing better than last time but still swells alot and sometimes causes pain. I am not worried though because I have a friend who has had the same injury that even after a year it sometimes gives her problems. I know in God's time it will be healed and in the meantime I am doing what I can to do my part in the healing process.

Alex and I are still having our date nights. It has been a blast. I look forward to it each week and always eagerly awaiting. It is less than 2 months before we meet up with Jennifer and go to Disney World together for a week.

I pray and hope each one of you will have a blessed Easter and rejoice and be grateful in Him. Happy Easter.

I took my nephew and daughter easter shoe shopping two weekends ago and when at mall took them to see easter bunny as well. It is very rare for grandma and grandpa to have a picture of both grandkids together so we got them an easter gift of a picture together.

Well, these past couple weeks have brought me down. It was like I couldn't breathe with everything that was coming at me to make me question my faith again. Thankfully God revealed Himself to me just when I needed to have a sign to stay strong in Him. He used others to help me press through the storm and be able breathe alittle better. I can say that I am doing much better now as several of the situations are settled. The one remaining will probably remain for awhile yet and I am praying it will not hit me as bad next time.

Since I have had to dish out alot of money to do taxes and pay Uncle Sam, it has put a big dent in my savings for a house. But God knows my desires and will have the funds and right home for us at the right time. It will be hard to find one that we both will like since we liked the one back home.

Alex and I are still doing our date night once a week. I am enjoying the time we have. We have had our ups and downs this week though as I got frustrated with the fact of difference of idea of what is clean and not. So I errupted and pointed out the uncleanliness and it was not a nice tone. I felt sick to my stomach afterwords and she went to bed crying. But this morning she woke up and apologized and so did I. So we are doing life and it gets better each time but still have ways to work on.

Since going home this past weekend, I have had a hard time breathing and feeling ill and then today even had to be in bathroom towards end of day quite often. I think it is from the train derailment of the coal cars and breathing in the air of it. Not sure as another employee has been sick for the past two days as well to where she hasn't been in to work.

Alex and I went and got our picture taken tonight for the church directory. I was not pleased on the poses but I am never pleased. I wish I would have had my hair down but still looked good. I just hate my picture taken.

I am thankful to God for giving us His Son so that we may live. I am grateful for His mercy and compassion. I am delighted that He loves me for who I am. I am unworthy of His forgiveness but am very much appreciative of His forgiveness.

Birthday back home

Well, It was a great weekend,March 13-14, when I took Alex to my parents for the week since she was on Spring Break.We left after I got off work on Friday. We met Ken at 4am Saturday and did Walmart shopping and then had breakfast at Steak and Shake. Then at 6am took Alex to parents and she went back to bed and I went to have breakfast with a friend which I got in trouble due to not eating since I was not hungry. Then at 10am had Starbucks with another friend. Met Janet, another friend from teen age, at Carlos O'kellys for lunch.We visited til 3 then I went to see my district elders from back home who just had a baby girl,day before my birthday. Then met another family from church back home and quickly caught up on life in the ten minutes we had. Then off to dinner to reserve tables to celebrate with friends and family at Logans. It was a great time and there were 16 of us. Later there was 7 of us that went bowling til 10pm. Got to bed around midnight but didn't sleep well due to Alex coughing. Thought church was at 10:30am and not 10 so spent time with mom. Then we met dad and Baughmans for brunch. It was a long and lonely ride home for me and I have done this long of drive before just fine but for some reason it just felt lonely without Alex there, even though she sleeps most of the trip. Can't wait to go get her this weekend. Here is my sister and Alex and I can't wait to go with them to Disney World end of May early June.

Its three in the morning and I am still wide awake. God has been great and friends and family has helped me to find my happiness again. This past week has been great. I went out yesterday morning and measured the snow that we still have and it was thirteen inches. I think this is the first time in a long time I have had snow on the ground on my birthday. It is ok though because God makes all things beautiful including His children.

I am sorry Alex for not taking your hand when you wanted me to during the movie. I truly do love you and adore you. Please forgive me for not taking your hand when you reached for me. Please know God is always there when you reach out to Him. He won't ever fail you. I will do my best to do better.

My review was today and it went well. Charlotte wrote that I am very pleasant to work with and with customers and that I always have a smile and am outgoing. Many friends say she described me to the tee. She later trusted me to write the months review which she does and she was pleased on what I said so she published it. I felt great.

Thank you God for giving me my life back of happiness and confidence. I will use it for Your glory. Thank you for making Iowa feel at home for me. It is great to live here. The people here are great, the woman's bible study group, co-workers and the crossroads assembly of God church gang are the bomb. I look forward to going to work and to church and to meet with the ladies. Couldn't ask for anything more right now until God wants to do more.

My 31st birthday

Today I woke up joyful and feeling beautiful. For the first time in a long time I felt like living life fully and in the moment and for the future rather than focusing on the past. I smiled and laughed alot today. God blessed me with a beautiful sunshiny day. A co-worker made cupcakes for my birthday which were yummi and it was a slow and relaxing day at work so had a few. I even got flowers today. Sarah surprised me with a small arrangement of daisies, I think, when she met me for dinner.
Delphia made me a card and Sarah and her church got me cards as well. My neighbor from IN sent me one in the mail too.
Sarah had Alex make a chocolate pie which was delicious and got to socialize with Don, Sarah and Alex after my day was complete. I even wore my own clothes, I usually wear something of Chris' on special occasions. Sarah thought I would have worn what I usually do and so she wore a beautiful blouse to match. It was a great time with her. I am thankful for this friendship and how it is blossoming. I wished I would have had my camera so we could have had a picture together. I will always have this memory.

Thank you God for such a great day and having me live life fully today. It was a great feeling and praying I keep this joyful feeling. I love you. I am truly blessed and am grateful for all You are.

Thought of you with love today,but that is nothing new.I thought about you yesterday,and days before that too.I think of you in silence,I often speak your name.All I have are memories and a picture in a frame. Your memory is a keepsake,with which I'll never part.God has you in his keeping,I have you in my heart. Tomorrow I celebrate my 31st birthday and I will be thinking of you missing the joy you brought. I am having a moms night out with my cousins wife Sarah, since Alex doesn't care for Red Lobster and you are not here but I will take you and her with me in my thoughts and heart. Last year I didn't feel up to celebrating but this year I am, I have lots to celebrate and to be thankful for. God has blessed me far more than I could ever think I deserved. I have friends, family, co-workers,and so much love and support surrounds me. Most of your ways I have carried on and keep getting better at. I only imagine the smiles you and God shine down for me. Life is not the same but as you would say make the best out of what you have and make each moment a happy one. I love you and I know that I will have a great birthday. Thank you.

I told you this many times and I will say it again, A friend is someone who understands your past, believes in your future, and accepts you just the way you are. Thank you for accepting me the way I was. I was not perfect and still not. Sometimes I was not always truthful and you still loved me. I am difficult at times as well. I took you for granited alot too. I am still working on all of these and I know I am slowly improving. God has surely blessed Alex and I and you need not to worry about us. We are in God's hands and living in love.

The one thing I took for granited was your sweet sayings that you would send with flowers. If only I would have kept more than the two I have. I have alot of them in my heart and head. Thank you for the memories.

Glory Come Down

As in a day and half it will be my 31st birthday. My birthday wish is for God's glory come down and fill this place. There are so many who need to know Him and also many who have desires that need met. I pray that the Lord will be with those who lost babies, and provide a family for those who want one and just answer the prayers of His people. I am so glad to be apart of God's family and all I need is His love. Thank God for blessing me so much and that is all I need for my birthday. So please for my birthday hear the prayers and answer them in Your timing Lord.

Good Evening, I just completed my day. Work was slow today but good. I have decided to start having weekly date night with Alex and each week we will take turns on who choses what. She wanted to go to HuHot and golf but no golf here so she chose bowling. After dinner we went to bowling alley and they were all full for another hour plus. We chose to go to Family Video to get movies to watch. She wanted to watch Charlottes Web 2 but it wouldn't work in laptop where we can watch it comfortably so she chose My Sister's Keeper. I watched this in theaters this past summer. God used this to speak to me that Chris was tired of fighting the pain and was ready to be pain free. I cried all the way through it tonight and she joined in at the end. It was nice. I told her we are still living out life with the best dad/husband in the world.

Tonight on way home from getting dinner and movies we stopped and got the mail. I got a card in the mail from someone who I have felt like I have let down and he didn't approve of me due to having Alex out of wedlock even though over the years he has been kind and lovong. It was so nice. The card said...You really are a wonderful woman with many warm, endearing qualities, and the qualities that make you a very special mother and makes you a very special person. It brought tears to my eyes because so many people see that in me but I don't. I have failed myself. I worry about what others think and try to imitate the ones I think are best, and I want to live in the past instead of living in today and days to come. It is so hard to give up someone you became friends with over the years and the one who taught you to embrace life and have fun. How can I have fun now? I am hoping through these date nights I can find that fun again and keep that aliveness Chris instilled in Alex alive in her for when she has her family. I have not talked about Chris all week. I have bitten my tongue alot and it helped me not feel guilty of projecting him on people in conversations but at the same time I talk to him still and think of him every minute. It is really bubbling ready to release. So thank God for blogs to write my erruptions down.

Thursday I am going out with Sarah, as I have asked her to, since Alex doesn't like where I want to go. So thank you to Don for helping me out with watching all the kids this coming Thursday. I really don't need the calories but it is my birthday and I am going to celebrate it like normal minus the marquarita and company.

Maybe my sister is right about me not being excited about going to Disney with her and Alex. I am excited but at the same time I am broken inside because Chris and I wanted to take her along with Jennifer last year but couldn't. We were going to take Jennifer to give us one night together while she had a blast with Alex as well. So it is a bittersweet event.I love them both and when it gets closer I will be excited.

My heart aches and goes out to those who mourn a husband, wife, mother, father, daughter, son, brother, sister, unborn child, grandma, grandpa etc. The truth is that you will not be able to let go completely. You will always remember them and miss them. My prayer for you and me is that we remember God sees the whole picture and has what is best for us. I keep praying I will feel the pain less each day and as others who have been there keep telling me it will get better. Until then tonight I am moving my ring back to my left hand, because right now I can not be fair to myself or others by pretending I am ready to move on. I will be comparing them to Chris and I will be looking for someone to fulfill my emotional needs rather than seeing them for who they are in Christ and themselves. I am happy if I will be LouAnn Hope Strack rest of my life. I am grateful for my blessed family I had. God gave me the strength to fight for him and for us. I love you and will always.

Right now I am loving my daughter to the fullest. I pray she will have the joy and love and will know how to be a lively person shining God's glory and praise and at same time be true to herself.One of my new friends here in Iowa gave me this verse it has helped put my focus on the race for God's love and how He is going to help me through this so I can help others as well... Hebrews 12:2 Keep your eyes on Jesus, who both began and finished this race we are in. (the message)

This past weekend was a great weekend. I helped my cousin with throwing a 80th birthday party for his dad and we had 79 people and 1 dog there. He made a ham dinner and the entertainment was well too. Alex had a great time with cousins from Illnois swimming at the motel and we all had laughs in the room. It was a great time visiting with family I usually see once a year and there was times this weekend where a few of us at a time went out and we got to talk. Sarah helped drive a portion back due to me getting a bad headache. We had bad roads due to snow the last 50 miles of Illnois and through Cedar Rapids. I handled it well. I still have ice/snow covering my front plate and grill of car that I can't get off with hand or foot.

Work was slow today. I love working here and thankful for the support I have here at work. I also can't believe that Iowa is growing on me. I was so ready to be back home here last night. I can't believe I am planning ahead. I am not one to plan ahead, more like a procrastinator. I talked to my parents and Alex will be spending week there for spring break. I hope to celebrate the March birthdays one of the two weekends I will be in Indiana.

I am thankful that some relationships are working out better. I am also thankful that I am taking advice and putting it into practice as well. I don't think I talked about Chris today but I have talked to him today. Looking forward to Thursday, I am spending time with Alex and going to do what she wants to and then next week one day it is my turn to pick. Pray for me as I do not like to play nintendo or play board games with her but this is good for me to practice patience and to bond with her.

Today I mourn with a friend as the family lost their brother/son. It was unexpected. He went in the hospital with flu symptoms and then was sent home on hospice on Monday and died sometime in the middle of the night on Tuesday. My heart goes out to them and sorry that I can't be there like for me when Chris died. The funeral is Saturday and I am helping at my uncle's 80th birthday party. He is ok with it and knows I am here for him for when he needs to talk. Love it when friends understand and know that the love is there.

So today I am writing a tribute to Chris but also writing it to God.
So many beautiful memories...Today I am remembering all the happy times we have shared and sll those special moments when just being together was all we needed. You have brought so much happiness into my life just by being you. You will always be my partner on this beautiful journey we share. I love you.(You)

For the most part we are doing well. There are days that it is harder than others. There is a day or two each week that I can't sleep well or get to sleep but God is so great that He is right here with me. I am thankful that I have a job and a daughter and a place to live. I thank you God for each trial and dilemna you allow so that my faith keeps growing. I thank you for the motivation to pack my lunch and not eat out hardly anymore and that in 26 days I have lost 10 pounds. I pray you will help me to keep it up.

Valentine's Day

Today is Valentines Day and I can't help to say that God is my Valentine. A commercial from Hallmark this year got me thinking. The mom says that her kids asked her who is her valentine and she said daddy is and they say no your valentine is someone who you tell your secrets to and share stories with and want to do things with. She said well that is daddy too. God is my all and all and He knows my secrets, and wants to live life with me. and He wrote my life story. He also gave me my other valentine, Alex, she has my love and I really adore the young lady she is going to be. I pray that she will hunger and thirst for God and know He is always there even when she can't feel Him. God please give my love to Chris for me as well. We miss him very much and we thank you for your blessing for saving him when you did.

Today we went to church and instead of going to alter for prayer I went to give glory and praise to God. He provided strength through others to keep me praying and praising Him for Chris' salvation and after 8 yrs did, and then when I was feeling like Job and it seemed all was taken away from me I still praised His name and kept praying for healing of marriage and illness and He healed marriage and Chris is no longer in pain and this past year when I was angry with God and others God heard my heart and prayers and walked through this yr with me and He took the anger and despair and turned it into love and compassion for Him. I praised Him today for what happened earlier this week, I was at work on Wed and under my breath I said people piss me off, and my pharmacy mgr said where is your faith today? It made me think how was the rest of the people I encounter that day view me? But through this it let me know that God is working quietly in my workplace. Praising God. The Holy Spirit was strong today as when I was praising Him at the alter my hand and arm shook and I couldn't stop it. I asked the children's pastor if this was normal and he said to some yes, and it might be that God is letting you know that He is still in control and not me. I am used to people speaking in tongues but not shaking like I felt but it was a good feeling of shakenness. It was like it was too much for me to feel God's presence and reminded me of the people of the bible that saw God and became blinded or aged due to the massive encounter of God.

There has been times where I wanted to give up on prayers and God because it didn't seem like God cared but then my friends and family helped me stick with it and the reward of God is so great. There is no circumstance that God doesn't care about. He cares for you and also knows the big picture so please keep praying and praising His name. He is there even when you don't feel or see Him. I know this from experience which seems like most of the time but as I look back on things good and bad I see where He was with me in everything either beside me or carrying me or leading me or even watching me from behind and would catch me when I fall backwards. Praise His Name forever and ever.

Thank you God for being my Valentine and giving me valentines of family and friends. Help me this week shine for you and not have the earthly circumstances dictate who I am and respond. I love you.

This weekend of the one year anniversary went well. Alex and I celebrated it by going to Shipshewana IN to celebrate mom's birthday and she enjoyed swimming with her friend and relatives. I spent most of day doing taxes then joined them for lunch on Saturday. On Saturday which was the one year mark I went and got my hair permed to give more body and curl since I am tired of straight for years now then got ribs to take home to parents for dad's birthday. YUMMI!!! It was a great time. However, the Colts lost the superbowl. I say it is because Alex sang When the Saints go marching in all day. It was fun to tell her that her dad would be tickling you right now if he was here.

Praying for my nephew Anthony who has whooping cough that he will be better soon. Praying for God to give me peace about the house situation and what is going on with that. As my lawyer said, it is ridiculous what they are doing. Praising God though that he is working on this for free according to the voicemail he left me. :) Praying it will be resolved in no time so he won't be out much. Praising God for His love and help through both good and bad.

Tomorrow is one year since Chris died. He died on a Friday which is today. I know he would want us to have fun and enjoy the time with family and friends but do you ever want to be with them but also want to be by yourself? I want to be here with them but I am not totally here emotionally. I hate it that my foot drew attention to me and now that I left the potluck I am probably drawing attention again not meaning to. God give me the strength I need to be joyous and happy and make this about others rather than me and what I am going through. You have brought me a long way and I continue to shine my love for you and others see it. Today my old work and the accountant and others see the joy and happiness You instilled in me this past five months. Thank you. Thank you for working in Chris too. It is great that you see the whole picture and I rest comfortably in You.

A fun Mother/Daughter day

We got up early this morning and left our house around 9am. I drove an hour and half away to visit a mall we pass going back to Indiana and coming back to Iowa. We say each time we pass it we would like to check it out. I surprised Alex today. When we got off on exit she saw a sign for a children's museum and wanted to go to that and I said no not realizing it is inside this mall. This mall also had a Bennigans, Old Country Buffet and a normal food court. It reminded me of my childhood days at the mall as well. It had a ice skating rink there. I tried to get her to do it but she didn't want to by herself but with my foot injury I couldn't so we went and got a manicure and pedicure.

She loved it that the lady did flowers on her thumbnails and big toes. I was kinda bummed they didn't offer that to me. I was so thrilled seeing her smile during all of this. She really liked the museum she kept wanting to go back after we did things. The cost was 6 dollars and you could come and go as you pleased until 8pm. We made a present for grandma and grandpa and Anthony too. When we got home I had her put her left foot with my right, we made this fun too.


We stopped and bought some fresh produce and yogurt on the way home since I am getting back motivated on my weightloss. With this injury I have gained a little bit and my emotions are also taking over. I am gonna listen to the little voice in me of Chris saying you can do this and I am here to help you this year. He said that to me over and over again. It was nice to talk about him on way home today. I told Alex that I asked her dad what made him fall in love with me and he said my calves. Those were the first he saw of me. I went to help his store out and I was putting on my socks and shoes from in the car and when he looked out the drive thru window he saw my calves. :)Then we got talking about how this would be something Chris would do especially the museum. He made life fun and even at a spare of the moment type things too. He is so very present in our lives still. He was smiling today saying a day well spent and fun. We were still beaming tonight talking to family about it.

God is great. It doesn't seem like in 2 weeks it will be a year since Chris died. Most days it feels like he is still here walking beside me encouraging me. It amazes me how time has flown and how far I have come. Friends who walked through it with me can't believe how I am doing today and how strong I am. Chris and Nancy always kept telling me that I am strong and stronger than what I know and I read this following comment and it reminded me of Chris' encouragement of saying I am strong and I see/search the good in others and he wanted that.(I still have that note)So here is the comment "Remember that you have the strength to carry on even through the most challenging times. You can rise above anything! Within you are the special qualities that you see in others reflecting back at you. Tap into your unique gifts and see the miracle that you are."

One week til Chris is 46. Three days til nephew Anthony is 11. Then there is the February birthdays.

Sunday I hope to start the new week out with a new motivation. I am gonna get back motivated in losing weight and Chris is there cheering me on. I want to do this for myself to feel good but also to be an example for Alex. I hope to exercise with her in the evenings and have fun with it. Loving Life!!!

My prayer is that God will work in me to know how to understand and communicate and get along with difficult people. I pray that He will work in me to become a better friend and help me know how to be a friend to those especially that are my age. I have always had older age friends. I pray that the Baptist church family understands that I am trying to find our place out here like we had back home with the Assemblies of God church. I pray God that you will lead me to where you want us to be. You are the number one priority in my life then Alex. Thank you for your unfailing love and friendship.

Today we got up and went to church. Church was a great encouragement. We sang Victory in Jesus and Lord light the fire again and others.
We socialized a little more with others today afterwards. I have discovered that there is atleast 3 other women who have lost their spouses and understanding the void and hurt and anger as I am going through. One of them it has been 8 years but God also has blessed her with a new spouse. I am happy with just being alone with Alex or finding someone. I would like to find someone to love again and have another child. I enjoyed my marriage and want to have that joy and happiness again. Chris told me he wants me to move on and be happy again before he left this life. It is so amazing how I feel his encouragement and support today as I did when he was alive. I miss him but feeling and living with his pain I am glad he is where he is, no more pain. I couldn't ask for much more, I had his love and friendship and support. God gave me my miracle of his salvation, healing of marriage, and strength to help him fight longer. I can't be sad about that because He has given me alot to be thankful for and witnessed some great things in my life through this journey.

I am praying my heart and mind get this carved into them that I am safe in my loving Father's arms even when there is disappointment and hardships. I love you God. Today I needed to hear these words. Thank you for having another lady who lost her husband and is now left with raising a 13yr old call the radio station and say how you used this song to comfort her and keep her going like you used other songs for me. I needed this one this morning and you knew that. Thank you so much, Daddy (God)

Wow, it is hard to believe that it has been a year since Chris went to the hospital before dying. This past year has had its ups and downs but God has been His faithful and loving self and walked beside us or carried us through them all. As we come near to Chris' birthday on Jan 28th I can't help to stop and reflect on our unique love for one another. The last couple months have been great and I find myself as I am having to deal with things again as we near the closure of the estate and doing his income taxes again and remembering all I had gone through a year ago, I am crying a lot more these days, usually on the way to work like I did then. I am also probably gonna have a hard time celebrating mom's birthday because it was 2 days after her b-day he chose to die. I know he wasn't thinking about that or he would have waited. He always wanted the best for all and was all about love and fun.

What Love Means to Me!
Love is a journey and not a destination. Thank you for our journey together and still walking in our journey. Real love is more than beautiful flowers and sweet words, more than candlelight dinners or romantic walks in the park. Real love is understanding through the difficult times, caring past the disagreements. It's laughing together when things are good or laughing together to keep from crying when things couldn't seem to go more wrong. Real love shows compassion and compromise... and forgives and forgives and forgives. Real love is everything we share together. Because to me real love is and always will be, you. Real love is knowing Christ in a personal way like we do. I love you and will always. Keep sending your love down because we both know I need it to keep going. I love you. Happy Birthday sweetie.

I am finally ok with not having anyone else. I like it out here in Iowa, the fact that I have a great job that you help me get and great neighbors like back home, a roof over our heads and the amazing love of our daughter. You will be so proud of her. I also think you would be mostly proud of me too except for getting a tattoo 2 days before our anniversary to have you walk beside me when I know you are and really didn't need a symbol. I wanted to get a symbol for hunnybunny but didn't want a honey pot and bunny so chose a teddybear holding a heart that is not filled in completely because my heart is no longer complete. I have 4 small hearts coming from it that represents 1. you 2. my two grandmas 3. my 4th grade best friend that her dad killed her the day of Christmas program which we found out right before the program 4. all the loved ones that had gone before me.

Love Always, Your Hunnybunny