Saturday, July 18, 2009

All I have to say is lies lies lies. I confronted her about calling my counselor and she denied it. I did let them come over after dinner, which I was going to pay because it was his birthday but they wouldn't let me. They brought in a big bin full of junk for Alex's birthday and a cloth recycle bag full of movies for her. They had one for me as well with a yellow envelope that I haven't opened yet. She then cornered me and asked if she could come over while her car is getting an oil change like she normally does. I said sure, after long long hesitant. I hope dad will come with the kids to house sit since I have to work or I can just leave 2 hours early for work and not be home when she arrives. Why can't I be strong without feeling guilty? Again, she also kept saying things about Chris that hurt me inside and a lot more stuff. I hope God moves me away from this emotional and spiritual rottenness. Pray for change in Sue and healing of hurt she has been through (according to her). Pray I can become stronger in standing up to what I need to live a healthy spiritual life.

Friday, July 17, 2009

Tonight I had Connie and Phil and my parents over for dinner. I made taco salad. Then we had dessert at DeBrands chocolate. I was strong in not taking part in eating as I have been watching what I eat this week. Alex spent the day with her Aunt Jen spending the night tonight there celebrating her birthday. Jennifer will drop her off tomorrow afternoon to me. Connie and Phil seem to like my house. I may be upset and disturbed by things but God has given me peace about things for the most part.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

I haven't been able to sleep for several days and now even breaking out in the face due to worry and stress. I talked with my lawyer on Tuesday morning and he told me some options. Later that day he also called and asked me some hard decisions I have to make regarding what I want him to do for me and how much I want to spend for him to deal with these choices. I don't know for sure everything but all I know is I have prayed for God to guide and direct me and give me godly leaders and that God will be with them as they are helping me. Either way I go I am out a lot. I am questioning every decision I am making or gonna make. I want both but can't have both. I wish I knew for sure but waiting on the lawyer to get back to me before I talk about it. So just continue to pray God's wisdom upon me.

I asked a friend that I confide in to listen to a voicemail that I got from a special family friend yesterday since she has heard all of the ones I get that are disrespectful or inappropriate. She said, this is great this is someone who would build you up and help encourage you so you can heal and move on. I said, yes, but she lives out of state. I then called my district office to get this states district office number to see, if God leads me to go out of state, what I need to do to transfer my Indiana license to another state license. My family is great and if God moves my direction in life I will miss them. They are very supportive and loving. They step back when I need my space. I pray and wish it was the same on Chris' side.

Tonight I am feeling depressed because I am missing the companionship and support of Chris. I have been angry lately because I wouldn't have to make these tough decisions and be going through this if he was still here. But, tonight I ran into a lady who is 30 and single and we ended up talking for 2 hours about similarities of our loved ones (father/husband) who were mentally ill and took their own life. She broke down towards the end and cried while I stayed strong until I got out of the driveway leaving. We both had goosebumps on our arms in 90 degree weather just talking about the similarities. We both don't even know how we got talking about this. Matter of fact I went somewhere else first but then changed my mind and went here. It was a God thing. Is this who I need to be friends with and go through life with her? She even asked if I had the cremation and I said yes, she said do you still have your husband and I said yes. She smiled because she has found that all of the people she has in her life thinks that is weird or disgusting. I said I thought so at first with his dad but he would go talk to his dad every now and then and it was there to talk to. It was a connection. I believe sent from God.

Well, I am gonna go read another chapter in boundaries. It is 9:30pm and hopefully I can fall asleep at a decent time unlike this past week. It is usually 1 or 2 am but this week it's been 3 or 4 and not sound.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Wow, what God has for me today!!! I met with the air/heat guys and that is bad. Then off to lawyer to see how the estate is coming and what my options are for the house. All I have to say for now is as God lays on your heart to pray for me PLEASE PLEASE do! I have a lot of hard decisions ahead these next few weeks. I am drained emotionally, physically, and spiritually. I want to do what God wants me to and what is best for Alex. Help me to understand what is Your will and do what is right in Your eyes. Give me the strength I need to do what I need to do and have no resentment or regrets or guilt. Help me to stop crying over these decisions because it would be different and ok if Chris was still here. It is just Alex and I now. Please guide and direct my thoughts and steps. I love you.

Monday, July 13, 2009

Good Evening, to the ones who are interested in my journey. Yesterday, after I blogged I took a nap to try to get rid of my headache, but didn't. Had to take Alex to mom's so I did and also took a migraine pill prior. I left immediately so I can get home while I could still see. I slept when I got home and then I awoke later without a headache. I read chapter 5 of boundaries which was 10 laws of boundaries. Very very good. It helped on pages 122 & 123 of boundaries it says.. You need to tell the other person considering their feelings. Telling them needs to happen as long as it doesn't harm them. In my case this has hurt them but not harm them."You need to evaluate the effects of setting boundaries and be responsible to the other person, BUT that does NOT mean you should avoid setting boundaries because they respond with anger or hurt. Things can hurt and not harm us and can infact even be good for us. Things that feel good can be very harmful to us. It is always easier to go through the broad gate of destruction and continue to not set boundaries where we need to. But the result is always the same:destruction. Only the honest purposeful life leads to good fruit. Deciding to set boundaries is difficult because it requires decision making and confrontation which in turn may cause pain to someone you love." So, there I have it, I need to stick to my boundaries even if it effects Alex getting her presents. I hope I can stay strong. It's not fair to Alex for this war. I have given them many chances to respect me and Alex and the boundaries but I can't handle this unspiritualness actions much longer.

Pray for me tomorrow as I meet with my lawyer to see about who gets paid from the estate and who doesn't. Also, we are going over my house options, since I called them today to see what they were but got voicemail. When I got off work today, what do you know, I had several calls from my "favorite" cousin-n-law still bugging me about the school situation and why haven't I called her back today. I have gotten mean with her in a loving way. I don't want to in a hatred way, like everyone is telling me to here. I don't want to remove her totally but it may come to that. My neighbor 3 doors down told me that she tried to get in the other week and couldn't and seemed upset. Why is she trying to get in when she doesn't have Alex? I don't try that at her house but I don't have a key to her house anyways. Thank God I switched locks.

I have a busy day tomorrow, my central air/heat is being looked at, then lawyers, then work and hopefully I can find a time to call the mechanic to see when he wants the blue car to fix it. Can't wait to escape to Michigan in a couple weeks. Love you God, thank you for today going smooth.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Today it took everything I got to get out of bed for church. My plan was to go to both churches today but didn't get up in time for the school church. I did go to First Assembly, it didn't bother me today even though the message was geared for husbands and wives. What got me was the songs, I went to the alter then after ten minutes had to remove myself because I found myself punching it and wanting to yell. I went and sat on the bathroom stahl floor and yelled in there. I at first said I hate you God, but then immediately took it back. I love God and want to believe He has good for me to come. I then a half hour later went back to service. Afterwards, I went up to the pastor's wife of todays message who is also my counselor, and just asked for a hug because she is not at work. She hugged me tight and asked is it getting harder for you? I said yes, just pray for me these next three weeks.(she took vacation so she can move)She said she will and then she also told me she knew it was getting harder because this cousin of Chris' who wants to control my life and Alex's called her again!!! This makes me more angry and wanting to move. I am to the point I will throw in all the furnishings for the house and just take the pictures and clothes. I am tired of being angry and hurt at God and myself. I set boundaries and the hurt and guilt just gets worse. So I guess I will just have to give in and live life her way for now to get some peace.

The message was about commitment through the rough times and trials. Consideration and Cooperation as well. I am so glad that God helped me through others to stay committed to my relationship with Chris. It was tough but we both grew through the committment to one another not only to ourselves but in Jesus as well. When Pastor Don talked about Consideration and Cooperation it triggered a resentment I have been holding onto. That is that Chris didn't talk to me about the house addition before he did it. I went along with his plans because I was his wife and I didn't leave him like I was going to do so he would get help for his addiction because I knew he signed bank papers already.(I knew this because of seeing contracts he had)When I say leave it wasn't for good it was so he would hit rock bottom and get help. Through staying with him especially at this time of his life it changed him. He quit drinking and became a loving husband that thought of my needs. So I didn't resent this anymore I thought until today. He said in the hospital that he was sorry he didn't include me in a lot of things and I forgave him.

My prayer today is that I will be able to totally let go and let God. I pray that I will have options for the house and that I will make a right choice. I pray that God will take control of this cousin soon. I thank God for all the good He has given us and will be given. I am glad and thankful that God helped me not to keep resetting the alarm today and got me to church. I truly love you God!!! Help me to be patient and strong as I wait upon you.