I don't want to miss a thing

My Dearest Chris,
I haven't wanted to live without you because you made my world a happier place the last 18 months. God is slowly remolding me. :) I have been wanting to write on my blog for days but I just couldn't. I would just sit here and listen to my playlist looking at the collage you made of pictures of you and Alex. I couldn't help noticing as you grew older you became more handsome. Tonight, I went and saw a movie by myself. Yesterday was fun with Janet and Katie seeing disney's UP. Tonight's movie helped me come to terms in a way. The last five minutes were great. I know death is not meant to be understood and I don't know why I try to understand. I know I was put here on earth by God to help and love you through your life. I know you saw that your illness was taking a toll not only on you but me but I HAD A LOT MORE FIGHT LEFT IN ME. I know you just wanted to quit fighting because you loved me so much you didn't want to see me in pain. Some times you just know that everything will be okay. I just wish I could've been there with you so you didn't have to be alone dying. I know I pushed or should say helped you to stay alive several months longer but I knew and so did you that I couldn't forever. I know there will be happy times ahead for Alex and I but it won't be the same without you. In 6 days it will be 5 months of living an un-normal family life. It hasn't seem to be getting any better. The guy that comes in to work and flirts with me that we would talk about still does and has even gotten worse. Some of the things he says now reminds me of you. Like yesterday, he came in and I didn't see Phil jester to hide so I tried to sneak out the back door to go on break and he ended up seeing me and I just proceeded to walk to go clock out. Lannette (my friend) saw him following me so she helped me get out of the store without him following. However, I came back too soon from lunch and he saw me as he was leaving and said all I want to do is to talk to you and touch your freckles. I cried because there was times you wanted to touch my face but I hated people touching my face. I loved you so much this past year I let you even though it bothered me. You knew that and even would say thank you. I know freckles and face aren't the same but my face is full of freckles so they basically are. I am not going to lie to you but it also made me feel like you were there with me and felt loved. You have nothing to worry about because I do not like him in that way. Then tonight after the movie I went and used a free movie coupon that Alex got for her grades since they expire at end of June, and they were playing the song from Arrowsmith I Don't want to miss a thing. I know watching Armageddon together that we loved that song. Help me not to miss a thing in life especially with Alex. I love you so much. I can't take my eyes off you. So thank you for truly loving me because we both know what I have done to myself and to you. Each day is a hard day to be without you but I am somehow managing it with the help of God. Sweetie, you are forgiven, isn't it great. Please keep looking down at Alex and smile because she is my uplifter, which you knew that. Help me to give her the love she needs on her birthday. She enjoyed being with you on her special day. I love you, more than any other day because I now know what I had. Thank you for being a family man even when you had your addiction. Thank you for being a friend. Your Hunnybunny.

Frustration

Today was a day of frustration. First, Sue still trying to get me to do something for Alex's birthday. Then Jennifer's drink falling on my sidewalk (I did it trying to juggle everything). Then Jennifer and I had a conversation about my blog from yesterday and I had already read her comment this morning. I have discernment and besides I am not ready to move on. I am ready to have healthy Christian relationships though. I am frustrated that everyone keeps asking how I am doing, when they don't understand what I am going through. I am also frustrated that I started talking to people about my life and now they want to know everything when I don't know everything yet. I am still waiting on the Lord to reveal to me clearly. It is my fault though because I speak too soon or talk to them about my issues when I should just keep it to myself. I love my family and Chris' as well. My conflicts and commitments will turn into change, as Beth Moore puts it. I will always love my family and Chris and his family. For now, have a great night. If I don't blog awhile don't worry, I am fine just working through things so I don't get much more agitated or irritated most of the time like lately.

Today did not go as planned. I was hoping to get up at 8:00am to go to a Sunday school class and then church but I didn't get out of bed til 12:35pm (I was awake but depressed)to go meet my family at the mall. I was going to call Alex but decided not to because I knew she was in good hands. I guess my mom called and so we talked a little bit but then she went to watch a movie or something. I got mad at mom as she was criticing the photographer (one who did Chris' and mine) and even said she isn't doing it as well as what she did for you and Chris. It hurt. Mom didn't even see the pictures yet and great photos come from the people in it more than the photographer. I felt bad that we all came to a unanimous decision of her leaving to get more tea but I couldn't have her criticing. Plus the photographer was only on like 3 pictures of almost 50. I spent money I didn't want to spend so I could have pictures of Anthony. I didn't have any of him and hardly of Bart. I am glad though that I did splurge and get them. They look very nice. Tonight I sat in the new family room doing what Chris did to me when deciding where to hang things, and Jennifer did what I did back. Just listen and kinda put in some input but not much. It felt like he was here. Also, on my way back home from having a snack for supper I will rise song played. I don't know why I can't get up without Alex here or having to go to work. I wanted to go to church but I just can't seem to go on special days.

I got several comments on my weightloss this weekend. Today by the photographer and the carosual lady who is also my neighbor. I have lost 55 pounds since August. A year and a half ago I was down to 215 but then in the 5 months of no kitchen I gained back what I had lost plus some. I am now at 229. When I met Chris in August of 99 I weighed 190. I hope to someday be 140-170. But you know. I am beautiful no matter what size. Chris saw me that way and so does God. I need to start believing that. I don't need someone special to know who I am or what I am. I am someone who looks for the positive in others and loves her family. I have a caring heart and loves to help others.

I am feeling bad because what someone in my family needs and what I need. Neither one of us can do anything about to help eachother out. We talk about it but then we both end up with tears. I am so sorry, I wish I could tell or do something but all I can do is pray. Thank you though for helping me. I feel for you and at the same time applaud you for your wait on the Lord.

God, right now all I can say is that I love you. Be and show my family your will and plans. I ask for you to work their miracle before or while with mine. I am sorry for how I get upset and crouchy lately. Help me to be better. As for me and my house we will serve the Lord!