Good Evening, It has been a few days of not wanting to write my feelings. They have been up and down. Wednesday marked 3 months since the loss of my best friend. The Beth Moore Bible study Wednesday was great. My mother even joined my sister and I. I need prayer because there is homework to do and I am the type that need the preaching to along with the answers to fill in. I thought the sessions would give some answers to the weeks homework but didn't. After they left Wednesday I was so feeling alone and so I popped in the second session. We are going to need a lot of tissues this Wednesday. After the second session (for me) ended about 11pm I went out on the deck and just poured out my feelings and needs to God. I am still waiting for Him to be the husband I need Him to be. People say to me all the time, how well I am doing and that no matter what is thrown at me I am strong. I have found who I am because of the actions and words I use. I don't see it but maybe God is already the husband I need since others see it.

Tonight Aunt Dodie called while we were eating potroast that my mom made for dinner at my house and she said my cousin Barbara that we have been praying for is off the ventalating machine and breathing on her own. She also wrote this morning to the family that she is going to fight all the way. I wish I could be closer so I can be there for the family and help be the support team. Please keep them and Barbara in your prayers especially Sunday when it is Mother's Day.

Last night was a comforting night. My friend Janet that I have known for about 16 yrs. stopped by around 9pm and after putting Alex to bed we talked til 10:45pm. We both have been through a lot over the years and helped eachother. It was nice to talk to her one on one again. Her daughter which I babysat when she was 2 years old is graduating this year from high school. (I can't believe it, where does the time go). Janet is like a second mom to me and I cherish our friendship. We haven't been able to get together much with her family and work and mine, but all of my friends and family are always on my thoughts and in my prayers.

Today my dad came over and worked in my bedroom again and it is looking great better than I imagined. Him and Bart has done a great job. I hope they will help with the landscaping out back and then it will look very elegant. (my block will be amazed).

I am not wanting Sunday to come for one reason and that is because it will be the first one without having the whole family there. I really need God to be with me and to wrap His arms around me to get me through. I will probably just stay in bed the whole time until my family comes. I don't want to because I want to go to church but I know that is what is going to happen, unless God gives me the power to get up.

I can't wait for the end of the 22nd of May. At 5pm that day I will start my 11 days off of vacation. I am praying I get a lot done and that I won't go crazy. I dislike having 2 days off in a row. My work is my escape from reality and issues. I am planning to go to Michigan that weekend to see family. I pray that we will have a great time together. I hope soon to post pictures from end of July and now of me so I can see the difference. I don't see it except how my clothes fit and the scale.
I am so proud of my mom and Aunt Lois for their weight loss as well. I hope we all can keep up the dedication and encouragement so we can feel like we are succeeding.

I pray to you tonight that you will give the mom's a great Mother's Day and make them feel appreciated. I pray that you will answer our prayers for Barbara. I praise you for all the things and ways you have blessed and given to each one of us. I pray that you will continue to bless us. I pray that you will provide for the needs of your children. I thank you for your love and compassion for us. As for me and my house we will serve the Lord.

God's Faithfulness for giving Him praise in everything

Good Evening, I made it through my busy day. This morning was tough doing my will so that Alex won't go to the state if I die while the courts decide who should take care of her. Then my doctor didn't know that Chris had died and he always went with me. They asked where he was and then felt bad. He then gave me samples of my migraine pills so that I don't have to pay 32 dollars a pill. He even asked if I need sleeping pills and so he prescribed a script but instructed no more than 1 or 2 per week and only as needed. I said no problem, because I don't want to take them but just incase I can't sleep well for several days then I will. After the doctors I came home and did things around the house and got mail and in the mail was a letter. A month ago I filled out some papers that the principal sent home with Alex which was for a chance to receive help for 2009-2010 school tuition. I was nominated with 2 other families (which only one could get it) and the foundation chose to help me with some of Alex's tuition. I feel like maybe the other family needs it more, but that is how I am. So please help me pray for those families that God will see to their needs as well. I am so thankful for this and I praise God for answering my prayers. This is just one example of how God has been faithful to me as I continue to give Him praise no matter the circumstances or how many trials He puts on my shoulder at the same time. It also comforted me because as I am seeking advice of what I should do now or wait to do later as for projects around the house, that I feel that God has been watching me be a faithful servant and careful with money (I sometimes feel like I am not doing the right things). But we all know feelings lie and so it made me think God had this happen because He is pleased in what I am doing.

I am still struggling about why God gave this to him and why God didn't heal him, but I know God's plan is better than mine. Just look, my faith and trust has grown stronger each day and my love for God and Chris has as well. I can't remember a time that I have been so trusting and focused on God when things go differently than what I want. I feel like I am also finding who I am as a person, who I am in Christ and how much I need to bond with Alex. My prayer for the past 10 years has been to find myself and not to be who others want me to be. Also, to know who I am and not always being dependant on men.

I thank God that He helped me to control my frustration last night with Alex. I had bought a big heart balloon for Chris' memorial that says I will love you today, tomorrow and forever, and it still had life in it from Feb. (shocking uhh). Well, when I went to put Alex to bed I noticed it was not floating anymore. I asked Alex if she cut it and she said no. I said then why is there a gash in it. She said I ripped it. and she told me when I asked why that she didn't know why. She is like my twin and likes to take things apart to see how they work and not fix it, or destroy things out of fun or dislike. She is now working off the cost of another balloon. I just thank God for having me not get short with her. I am still praying that we will have that mother daughter bond, that I feel like we don't have. The love is there but not the closeness.

My prayer tonight is that God will continue to guide and direct my decisions and paths. I pray for healing of Barbara and that He will give the comfort and strength their family needs. I thank God for such loving family to have during times like Barbara and her family is having and what we had 3 months ago. The love of family gets you through and is a lifesaver for the days that are hard. I pray for those who are struggling financially, physically, emotionally that God will meet their needs and give them the peace they need. As for me and my house we will serve the Lord.

Verses that helped me this past week

Good Evening, Today was busy but good. The windows got put in this afternoon and look nice. I got my blood work done. I purchased baseball tickets for the clan for May 29th(last Friday of May). Tomorrow is busy as well. I have the will to do at 9am and doctors appointment for my migraines from my fall a year ago at 11am then work at 2pm. Today I also sat down and did a budget summary for the rest of the year from the worksheet Jennifer sent me. If nothing major happens it looks like I can also do our second project this fall which is the landscaping out back.

Several people have responded about me getting more energy and giving advice. I just want to let you know that I do walk and exercise and drink water but it's like my body just doesn't want to be energetic yet. I think it's still kinda numb. I did feel great when the insurance lab lady weighed me. I still have my 50 pounds off even though I thought and felt like I gained some. :)

Here is some verses which kept me going this week. 1. Isaiah 26:3 Those of steadfast mind you keep in peace-in peace because they trust in you. (the God of peace gives perfect peace to those whose hearts are stayed upon him) 2. Romans 15:13 May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him (this is the secret of joy. We shall no longer strive for our own way;but commit ourselves,easily and simply, to God's way and in so doing this we find our peace.) 3. Hebrews 13:5 Be content with what you have because God has said Never will I leave you and never will I forsake you. (the heart is rich when it is content, and it is always content when its desires are fixed on God. Nothing can bring greater happiness than doing God's will for the love of God.)4. 1Corinthians 13:13 And now these three remain: Faith, Hope and Love. But the greatest of these is love. (Joy is a light that fills you with hope and faith and love.)The last one is Matthew 16:19 Whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven.(Prayer is a powerful thing, for God has bound and tied himself to it. No one can believe how powerful prayer is, and what it is able to effect, but those who have learned it by experience.)

My prayer today is for thankfulness of what He has done for us and is going to do. He has blessed me with good neighbors who offer or just do things to help. He has blessed us with great family and friends that are supportive and helpful as well. He has given me a great job so that I can take care of our needs. I am thankful the hope He gives us to live each day for Him. He is our comforter, shelter, provider, and most importantly our salvation. I pray for those who need His healing power. I pray that God will show me who next to be a witness to. As for me and my house we will serve the Lord.

Good Evening, I am doing well, I haven't written for a few days because I have been getting ready for new windows and carpet cleaning and this was my weekend to work. Today was hard. I cried my whole lunch break. I am missing Chris. I also feel like I am cheating on him when I talk to friends that are guys. I am not thinking of these guys as more than friends or in lustful ways, so why am I feeling like I am cheating? Only God knows. I am talking to my elders and pastor to see if they will pray throughout my house and entry way for those who cross it.

Alex had fun at girl scout camp and then Saturday night at a square dance that grandma and grandpa took her to.

The meeting with the life insurance person went well. I do have to have blood work and urine sample for them tomorrow so I am not able to eat past 4pm today until after the test at 11am. I haven't had caffine or other things since Thursday. I haven't even craved them either. Praise God. I am not doing well though emotionally because I am eating more and therefore have gained a little back of my 50 pounds that I have lost since August. I have been drinking alot of water though.

Tuesday I meet with my lawyer to legalize issues that I don't want to face but have to so the state won't get Alex and the house. I am doing a will and place her where I think will be best for her if something happens to me. ( I hope nothing does, I pray)

I am looking forward to having Jennifer(sister) over on Wednesdays. We are going to get together to do the Beth Moore study that my cousin Sarah has loaned me to encourage me and grow in my faith. So thank you to Sarah.

My prayer tonight is that God will continue to give Alex and I peace and comfort. I pray for healing of Barbara and for the strength she and her family needs. I pray for those who need jobs or might be laid off or lose theirs that God will give them the peace and provisions they need. I praise God for allowing Chris to compromise and let me work so that I am able to provide for us. I praise God for helping keep this job with todays economy. I pray that God will use me to be a witness for Him and shine His light to others. As for me and my house we will serve the Lord.