Today I didn't get out of bed til 12:30pm. Alex broke her glasses at camp so we went to the mall to get them fixed. Thank you God for the low cost of 19 dollars to fix the lenses.(she couldn't find one of them). If we would've had both they would've replaced both with new for free under the warranty. Since it took an hour to get them back we did head downtown to the festival. We have a friend that has a place there that we see every year so we wanted to say hi and to let them know about Chris. As usual he gave Alex a free chocolate roll slice. We talked about 15 minutes and he was glad that even though we weren't eating there this year due to cost that we came to see him and his wife. The last few years we would go nearly everyday for the 14 days the festival goes but I told him this was the only time we would be here. He said they are only here for this weekend anyways due to other obligations at other fairs. So I don't feel so bad now. I offered to pay but he said no. He did miss the rock paper scissor game that Chris and Alex would do to see what flavor of roll to get. So then we went back to mall to get glasses and mom called and said Ken and Anthony would like to go see Ice Age dawn of the dinosaurs. So we did that. Since I had no money for rides or food at the fair, Alex rode the mall carousal about 10 times (she gets to ride for free, due to Chris and her being friends with the manager). I am brown bagging it this week to help with funds since I ended up going to the movies. I even stopped at Walmart to get a case of coke so I can just do one can a day to get going then drink water the rest. Pray that I will stick to that and brown bagging it. When it is just me I seem to go out instead of fix dinner even when it is just Alex and I because we will share a meal at Taco Bell for 5 dollars. Jen and I were talking the other day, it seems the healthy food is so expensive and so we settle for the junk most of the time.

Friends say I shouldn't let these cousins over next weekend because that is them setting my boundaries again. But it isn't fair to Alex not to get her presents from them. But then I feel like I am just using them. I am not a user. (atleast I try not to be) My parents gave me their blessing last night if I do get the clear answer from God to move. As far as last night, since Alex and I missed our plans after dinner out with the controling Chris' cousins, I was upset and so we took the cupcakes that Sue made and gave most of them to the tattoo guy and his son to share. Alex and I was in the car and they were outside the car and we talked for about a half hour. Alex seemed to like him but on the way home I discussed with her that we need to pray for him like all the others who need Christ. She said he is nice and I agree but I said I don't care for tatoos and he is also working on his language. So I did feel better but now I probably made him feel like I am leading him on. So now I am praying I will be a witness and nothing more.

God, why do I tend to do rational things when I am mad or lonely? Why is it too hard to turn to you, in times I really need a true friend? Why do I feel like I am having others carry my burdens with me? Why do I talk to others about my burdens, when they have their own? Help me to turn to you more and be satisfied with you and myself. Help me to stop stressing over the house, family, emotions, work, because you have them in your sight and hands. Why do I keep feeling bad when these cousins throw things in my face to make me feel bad, especially the letter they showed me last night. You and I both know that Chris and I had genuine love for one another and so why do I allow that to be questioned all the time? Am I going to find that love again? Are you going to bring me a godly christian man that will also accept Alex? These are only some of my thoughts God and I pray that you will just stop my mind from listening to the enemy and things of this world. Help me to sleep at night and allow me to have that companionship again. I need a little town again, where there is nothing to do except to bond with friends and family. I need a career that will challenge me and get me out of my comfort zone and provide for our needs not wants but I am scared of failure!!!! I have always been a failure. I have cheated all my life. I have also always taken the easy road after cheating in school. I guess Chris and the enemy chose for me to have a hard road now. Why? Why? Why? I am so angry right now. I don't know at who mostly but it is at myself, satan, Chris, his family, and you. I am sorry, but I don't have the understanding of why you didn't speak louder to Chris. Help me through this, I beg of you. I don't want to move from this house because it is Chris' vision but I am not sleeping, I am not getting the support from his side, I am worrying to much about finances even though I can do it.

Help me to truly believe this...

Today went well at work but not so well with controling over stepping cousin. Alex and I had dinner with them and had plans afterwards but they wanted to come over to the house for Alex to open gifts and to visit. I said we had other plans and I thought we could open presents here. They talked and talked about people I don't know about their problems with their kids and so Alex and I missed our other plans. I now have to have them over next Saturday after we celebrate his birthday. I tried so many times to suggest me taking Alex to her house to open gifts this weekend or next and the answer was we are busy. Why is it a one way street for controlers? The third chapter which was tonights I just read was about identifing the different catogories of boundary problems. After tonight, which wasn't about Alex with them I am ready to ask my lawyer my options with the house that is not in my name and move without telling them where, but again they will be controling my life and I leaving great neighbors. But I can go to school with the lesser monthly cost. I can't afford my house in 7 to 9 years anyways. I was almost ready to call this yucky tatoo guy that likes me to go with me tonight just to see their reaction but I didn't want to start a problem there and it would be ungodly thing to do. All day today and especially tonight I thought of being at the celebration at the Dike park. God what to do with my life is up to you, please help me understand real soon. Thanks.

Today went well. Jennifer and I have not been to Chili's so we used the last of my gift cards tonight to try them out. We agreed it was not the best food. The service was great but the food could use some work. Tomorrow is homecoming for Alex. I will see her long enough to say hi and do laundry then off to grandma's on Sunday afternoon for the week. I thank my parents for watching Alex this summer even though they took on Anthony this summer for atleast the next 9 years. I know it is a struggle having one and then more having both. I appreciate them and the love they pour into them.

I do not like to read but a dear friend of mine (also a family member) gave me the book Boundaries. I have 2 chapters read and looking forward to more reading in it. It has helped me come to peace on some areas and also see how I am dealing with things that are unhealthy. I thank her for thinking of me and helping me out in this area. You know who you are, thank you.

I called Sue tonight to invite her and husband to dinner with Alex and I for Alex's birthday and she sounded really sad that it wasn't going to be a big party for her. I don't need that stress right now and we celebrated in Iowa. Sue kept coming up with different days and scenarios to try to get both sides together. I kept saying why my side can't. She finally agreed to meeting us tomorrow. So pray for me. It took a lot to stand firm.

I am praying for safety for those who are traveling to celebrate with Don tomorrow and I pray all who are there will enjoy the fellowship together. I am there in thoughts. I had to have my vacation put in in January so I didn't know that I was a week early. Have a great time. May God bless all of you. Please eat some pork for me!! Oh, Alex too!

I thank God for my job. I think my job is secure for now because my pharmacy manager said that our store was up 9% from last year this time. Also, we are about the only store who hasn't had their hours cut. We are actually doing better than the 24 hour stores. Thank you God. Please show me your will and let me know what I am looking and listening for because I have always rushed in to my wants and desires and I don't want to anymore. I thank you for all you have shown Alex and I and all you have done for our family. I can not thank you enough. I love you so much.

Good Evening, I had another great day. Last night I got home from work after 9pm and listened to my messages and my neighbor was one. He and my other neighbor tried to figure out my air unit but couldn't so he called to make me aware of the strange noise. I am having a air place come to check it out on Tuesday because it is also my heat for the winter or otherwise I would let it go and not run it. He also mowed my 5 second yard. I am also back to my sleepless nights. (sleepless in Fort Wayne):)

I need to get back motivated on working out and watching what I eat because I am depressed about gaining the pounds since I quit smoking instead of eating.

I also found out last night when playing around in my blog settings that I was blocking some people from posting, so I changed it so if you would like to try again feel free to. Sorry, I am still learning a little each day. I am still having trouble decorating the side of my blog because the mycutestblogspot.com logo goes over what I write daily so I am not able to decorate. Any suggestions?

Jennifer is here now to do supper and bible study so I will let you go. Jennifer cooked a delicious meal tonight and even had chocolate klondike bar. Love to you.

Today I had counseling. My counselor couldn't believe that I was for the first time since Feb. smiling the whole time. I told her all except the phone calls that I have decided not to get to me, I had a great relaxing week. She told me I need to leave my phone at home on my days off and go on a day trip for myself. I also went today and got cheaper car insurance. A person my counselor told me about is a state farm agent and he was able to give me better coverage for $60 less than what I was paying elsewhere. Work went well today. Other than someone that keeps bugging me about Tuesdays and birthday party for Alex, my week has been good. Nancy (counselor) said I don't need to have a party here because we did out in Iowa and it is not wrong to change things up every year. So I decided that Jen can take her for a date and I will invite Sue to ice cream at a ice cream shop (since I don't trust her alone with Alex)and if my parents want to do something they can. As far as school, I don't know what I am doing yet.

Today, I ended up going to Deluxe Glass, which is 3 doors down from me and are the ones who put in my new windows. I had locked my keys inside the house and I stood on my air conditioning unit to climb in my window but I was not strong enough to boost myself up and in. So I went to see if someone would help boost me since I didn't have Alex to push in. They had a tall guy that climbed in and unlocked my door. They take good care of me. Before my trip they fixed my side mirror so it wouldn't move on me and while they did that they decided to check my oil and engine as well. Again today they wouldn't take anything from me. I appreciate my neighbors. I think it is me that seems to have to have something that happens each day or it is not normal.

Hope Don had a great birthday. I thought of him a lot today and praying for them as they get ready for the celebration they are having on Friday.

I pray for family and friends as God lays them on my heart. I am feeling the urge to ask all of you to pray for the marriages of friends and families you know. I know the enemy likes to destroy the things that are supposed to be built in God's image. Pray for our churches as well. Many I feel are in mourning (God's light is not shining bright or showing God's presence) So please join me in this warfare.

God Bless you and remember Obedience Brings Blessings.

My Vacation from life and connecting with cousins!!

I took vacation the last two days of June til July 5th. I spent the days out in Iowa with my cousin Don and his family. I got a lot more sleep than what I get here. I don't know if it was the peaceful life or Don taking a night shower. I enjoyed it though. Alex had already been there for a week prior so she could go to camp with their daughter, Marlene, who is 8 days older than Alex. On my way there, 24 miles from Valparaiso, I ended up with a flat tire. I called my roadside assistance but they had no clue where US 30 and Indiana 39 was. After getting my tire out a couple of guys pulled up and helped so I hung up with my roadside. They were able to help me put air in my spare as well, since my car lighter didn't work for my air compressor. They then followed me to Walmart in Valparaiso so I could get another spare. I had a relaxing ride and time in Iowa. Sarah's family is so nice as well. Her grandma is like my grandma TJ, accepts you for you and takes a liking to you. I learned a new way of playing cribbage and it was nice that we all laughed when I would call muggins too early. Even though I was busy helping Sarah with kids, dishes, laundry, and Don with burning, it didn't seem like work. The days didn't seem to fly by either. HEY!!!! But when this next thing happened it was flying by. It was so funny because Friday I thought it was July 2 not July 3rd, when Sarah said yesterday was Uncle Jim and Aunt Lois' anniversary. I said no it is today,but my brain was on vacation as well.So HAPPY ANNIVERSARY AUNT LOIS AND UNCLE JIM!!!! We did a pinata for the birthdays, which I also found a mouse in my trunk that ran from me. It is still in there so I stopped and got mice sticky traps but still no mouse. (I think it is my payback for killing the hamster after I found it). I am thankful for Don and Sarah's encouragement and example. Even though I didn't get to spend much time with Don, I enjoyed the talks we had and just the maturing we both have done. (me mostly)Don has been mature and loving most of his life, that I can remember. Sarah does a great job keeping order with the kids, laundry, dishes, and helping with the house. The colors are great she has picked for the rooms. Homer actually volunteered his parents to build a house for Alex and I. Before church though, Jesse reminded me of my childhood, sharing ONE bathroom with 6 people. I had to go the bathroom and thought he wouldn't take long so I will wait for this bathroom, which was the closest and most private one, but it ended up to be a forever shower. So I was glad to sit by him at church. I took all the kids in my car to church. It was a treat. Their church is small but every one there is great and you can feel God. They even sing old children songs. I even like one that I haven't heard before. It is called Obedience. Obedience is the very best way to show that you believe. Doing exactly what the Lord commands,doing it happily. Action is the key,do it immediately. Joy you will receive. Obedience is the very best way to show that you believe. O B E D I E N C E, obedience is the very best way to show that you believe.
Alex got in the car yesterday after church and said mom I am so glad to be going home with you. I said why, I thought you wanted to move out here. She said yes, but with you, I don't want any brothers or sisters. I can just come visit to play with them. (this is funny because Alex would bug her dad with me to have a sibling) When I dropped her off half way to Sarah and I told her now she has brothers and sisters so enjoy. She had fun with them but as every family knows you get agitated with one another every now and then. Sarah says she kept me there for her, but she and her family is so welcoming that it was hard not to leave. I wanted to leave earlier in the week but most of me wanted to stay so I did. I probably would've still stayed and camped outside if it wasn't for me to get Alex here to camp and me to support us. Thank you for a fun relaxing forgetful week.

Don also is a godsend in my books. He fixed my car lighter (not to smoke :), and I haven't even wanted one since I got sick on Memorial Day) and my air conditioning. The air was great for my ride home. I had a headache/migraine and it was nice not to have the wind sound going down the highway and there was a spot of rain for 5 minutes. I don't know why or how I got on 80 west but I did and with the headache I had I didn't realize it til I got 3 and 1/2 hours away going almost to Nebraska. Good thing I like to drive. Besides Alex and I got to get more states on our list. This morning, Alex was off to church camp bright and early. The other parents was saying yes! peace and quiet!! and I was going please don't go!!! I miss her and feel bad I am not a parent right now.

I need to go on vacation more often. I got the mail I had being held at the post office this morning and got several great news. 1. my mortgage is lowered by $30 a month due to miscalculating escrow 2. I paid Alex's pediatrician before the insurance decided to pay for it so I got a check back for the over payment 3. A check came for the over payment of escrow 4.I called my lawyer to see how the estate is coming and I have to write checks next week but she (paralegal) asked me if I knew of a check from Walgreen's that came in that was due to Chris, I said no why?. She said a check from them along with a letter saying that this money is due to Chris from his bonus he earned. I thought they wouldn't do that because a bonus is given for how well the store does over the year ending in June. (my pharmacy manager said that is what he likes about Walgreen's is that they treat the people right.)So she put that in the estate fund. Hopefully, I won't have to pay much out of my pocket. :)

I am really praying for God's guidance. I had to return to my drama life here. Even though I was considerate of some family members to tell them I was on vacation they still called a lot!!! It was nice not to have service where I was! :) I did return this person's calls this morning but no answer. I then throughout the day get several more messages stating why aren't you returning my calls, are you mad at me, what are you doing, why won't you talk to me, what did I do to you.... (this person doesn't have voicemail for me to leave a message) I also can't call from work because this person said work should be work not personal time. I am ready to change my number. I did save the worse ones for my counselor tomorrow.I did call this person tonight after talking to my sister. This person is already asking when school will start but I am not saying because I am not having this person watch her and knowing this person this person will try to get her. I am truly praying for God to show His direction for me. I really need my space and so I am praying God will show me a way to sell the house and move away. I can just hear it now, why are you selling his house?(Alex and I want Iowa) probably Waterloo or the town that is similar to the spelling of Evansville, so I have service. But Cedar Falls and Waverly has a Walgreen's. Anyways, just keep me in your prayers that I will know God's voice in everything I do whether it is little or big or Iowa or another state. I got a smile from my pharmacy manager when I said how much Alex and I loved Iowa. He said, you and Alex need to be where there is a great support team for you and if it means leaving I will understand. I said, I am not leaving until God tells me to, you have been a great support to me. (he smiled. I had him listen to my messages and he said I need to get mean!!)I know it was a vacation, but it is so relaxed out there and peaceful and no service for my phone. Nothing to go do except for the good bonding things like kids ballgames, family time, and even bonfires.(this is a good thing) You can even burn outside. I love the smell of burning leaves in the fall and even the smell of a campfire. I do have a good life here, a house, job, family (some)and a church. I sometimes feel the church is too big though. Like I told Don and Sarah, I am not rushing into things and I am going to just see where God takes Alex and I. I hope to see them more and stay in communication with them. Now that I am more mature and have family I would love to become more acquainted especially since we have kids the same age. I love it my daughter is still saying yes mother or no mother. I said, please remember it at camp. She said I don't think I will get over it. Thank you again, for your help in molding my princess of Gods and your hospitality and your friendship. Tell Don I will hold him to his word. (I'll buy you all the coke you want) HA HA HA! Just kidding I am not keeping tabs on coke. You probably still have the whole case left that I replaced. Love you all. Miss you as well. Happy Birthday Don, tomorrow the BIG 40!!!!