Good Evening, Today was fun. Alex woke me up at 9am. I didn't get up til 10 though. We then went to the mall to pay for the ring I got Chris for Christmas and my cell bill. Then I surprised her by taking her to go see the movie Hannah Montana since I had a buy one get one coupon. Then we went to Walmart to get items for lunch tomorrow. We walked to the park today and played awhile. Before she went to bed tonight we watched the movie A Christmas Card that she wanted me to watch with her. I didn't answer my phone today because I wanted to just be here with Alex. God has been with me today for the most part. I walked the house and just admired all the pictures I have. I know he felt loved and unconditionally from Alex and I. Just like he loved us. I am so grateful that God showed him the love through us and wanted to stay with him no matter what because that is what brought him to the Lord. I didn't get Alex an Easter basket because I want her to know the truth and that it isn't about material things. (Even though I think she knows the truth) Today was a gorgeous day to be outside. I was out on our deck for awhile as well talking to Chris and God. We have a busy day tomorrow, we need to get up at 6am for 7am service at Holy Cross, then meet Kenneth here at 9am to go to First Assembly at 10:30am then back here for lunch at 1 or 1:30p. I am sending you Easter wishes to you and your family. May you reflect on your relationships with God and family and remember that you will see your loved ones again because of what God has done for us.

My prayer tonight is that I may be a shining light of His love so that others will have the peace I have to live each day. I pray that we don't take our time with loved ones for granted or waste our time making lives difficult and then when they are gone wondering if they loved us or we loved them. I am grateful that Chris and Alex and I knew how we felt towards one another and we are not questioning if we loved each other. I praise God for what He has done and is doing and will do for me. I give Him all my praise. Thank you for carrying me today and not dropping me. As for me and my house we will serve the Lord.

Good Friday

Good Evening, Today is two months since Chris' death if you go by days of week. If you go by date is two months and four days. Alex seemed to be herself today and no sickness. Today went well up to the point of getting off work. Mom and Jennifer talked me into going to Jennifer's church for the 7pm service. One year ago Chris, Alex and I went to Holy Cross' Good Friday service as a family for the first time he was able and wanting to go with Alex and I. I didn't realize til tonight how much anger I have. I don't know if it is anger towards me, Chris, or God or a combination of all three. I had my parents, Jennifer, Alex and Baughman grandparents at my house waiting for me after work and I was rude by not speaking and we went to dinner and I was just there in body but not there personally. I feel bad but I think they understand. We then went to service and I couldn't even sing. I listened to Alex and Jennifer sing and bless Alex's heart she took my hand and also rubbed my back because she saw me in pain and crying. I felt the negative feeling escaping so I excused myself from service so others wouldn't grasp it. I sat in the foyer for a while crying and calling out to God. Then I went to the bathroom to compose myself and as I was in a stall still crying in anger, a sweet woman on her way out said "not to pry but is there anything or anyone I can get for you, I am not sure if you are sick or needing help." I told her I am fine I am just grieving with anger because I lost my husband in February and I am having a hard time dealing with God not healing him. She said, "God is a healing God but also has a plan for our life and you will be in my prayers." Then I went back sitting in foyer and Alex went to the bathroom and saw me and came and rubbed my back and sat a little bit with me then went back in. I was then rude again and when she came to me after the service we left without saying goodbye but I didn't want anyone to see me in the despair I was in. I should be upstairs right now spending time with Alex but I am tired of her seeing me upset and giving myself a pity party.

My prayer tonight is that I will be able to see God's love and forgiveness. I thank God for giving me a sweet godly daughter to help me keep strong. I pray I will figure out my anger and frustration and release it or pray that God will just take it from me. I pray that I will become calm and peaceful at work again instead of irritated easily. I pray I will not just do the actions and feelings that I know I need to do to follow God but also with my heart and soul will be there as well. I thank God for giving His Son to save us. I pray God will also heal my habit because I really don't want to do it but it seems to calm me. I pray I will be able to worship on Sunday and be totally there at church and also with family for dinner.

I want to wish all of you a Happy Easter and Many Blessings of God.

Good Evening, Today went better than yesterday. Alex made it all day without an episode. She seems to be normal today. I pray that she doesn't get a fever or over-whelmed so it won't happen again. Alex and grandma made a book together tonight at Walgreens about there mystery trip. I am missing her tonight doing devotions and singing. She went home with grandma for Good Friday since she has no school tomorrow. I disappointed Chris' cousin by this and so I am feeling like I can't please people. I know I can't please everybody at the same time. While they were doing the book I called a friend that called earlier and they have been through a lot as well. They were an encouragement to me. Their faith has grown through their circumstances as well and God has provided for them as well. I am not looking forward to Easter because Chris isn't here with me. The Lord will give me the strength and attitude I need to celebrate why I am here and living eternally. This is the first year I am going to miss the Good Friday service at my church at 1pm but plan on going to Jennifer's or Holy Cross at 7pm. When I say my church it is First Assembly. (that is where I feel God and seem to grow) It disturbs me still that Alex is bragging on how well she loved the EMS ride.

God walked hand and hand with me today. He wrapped His arms around me and comforted me. Today it seems that He healed Alex because she was her energetic self tonight. I am hopeful that He will continue to help her heal. We missed Erins House tonight because I wasn't sure if she was better or not so I had to let them know ahead of time if we were coming or not.

Thank you to my friend Stacy for taking pictures at birthday bowling which I just got off her sight. Hope she didn't mind. I had a blast that night with them. I needed the fun!!!

My prayer tonight is thanking God for co-workers, friends and family to get me through the day and for their support of thoughts and prayers. I thank God for dying for me so that I may live with Him forever. I also ask that He will provide jobs for the jobless, provide for the ones who need things, heal the sick, and give strength to the weak. Thank you for today and help us to live a life for You!!

Today was a stressful day. It is getting harder for me to keep the faith that I have. I am praising God for the good court day for my brother Bart regarding his child Anthony. I am praying that God will grant him custody of his child so that Anthony will be able to see and feel the love of God through my family. Alex's school called me today and said she was having similar symptoms of this past weekend. They gave her Tylenol which didn't work and so I had to leave work 4 hours early to be with her. I called the doctor to get advice since she just saw him and he said it is the viral infection she is fighting. She slept 4 hours this afternoon and seems to be fine now. I hope there is not many more occurrences like this because I don't want our savings to dwindle much more. She has been healthy most of her life. My church read my email and even offered assistance but for now I declined because there are a lot of people in my church that have no jobs or worse off that need the food and money for bills. I know we can do this as long as there is no more ems rides (which Alex is still bragging about how it was so much fun) or major medical bills. I have been praying that God will allow me to be a witness to Chris' side of the family but I don't know how. They want to talk but at the same time degrade me and Chris and his feelings. I don't want to talk about things I don't know much about and I don't want to re-live Chris' death. They want to heal by talking to me but I don't feel like I can heal them. Only God can do the healing and it was their choice to not have a good relationship with him when he was alive and they choose not to know God. So I am struggling with if and when I should talk to them. I want to shine God's love but I feel right now I can't because my faith and love isn't strong enough yet, but then again feelings lie. I am blessed to have a work environment that I can leave to take care of Alex. They know I don't call off or leave without a good reason. Usually you have to be the one who is sick to get sick pay but the manager said if I remind him he will put in for 4 hours sick pay for me. I just don't know how much more I can handle. I feel God and see God often. Matter of fact Tuesday, at work, a customer who I don't know said how are you I've been praying for you. She said God told her to pray for the Walgreen's girl she has a sick child and has been through a lot. She didn't know who she was praying for she said until she pulled up to the drive thru and saw me and said God told her it was me. Then tonight my neighbor's son down the street made vegetable beef soup and his wife brought it down to us and we had a great talk. Tonight Alex and I did devotions and sang praises and we didn't want to stop she continued to sing praises and dance to God. I am so lucky to have such a blessing from God during these times. I was hoping to go for a walk tonight before I got the call from school, but there will be other days we can.

My prayer tonight is that I thank God for friends and family that support me in prayer. I pray that He will heal Alex and anyone else who is sick quickly. I thank God for His provisions in my brother and nephew's life. I pray Anthony will be able to control his tantrums and anger so he doesn't hurt anyone else. I pray Alex's bruises will heal quickly from her fall and brush in with Anthony. Thank you for this day and help tomorrow to be a better day. I love you.

What God did today!

Good Evening, I thank God for today. He spoke to me through devotions and had me realize several things. The first is from 1 Peter 5:10 The God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong. Secondly, Psalm 139:9-10 If I rise on the wings of dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. Thirdly, Psalm 34:19 A righteous man may have many troubles, but the Lord delivers him from them all. Fourth, The disciples not only grieved the primary loss of Jesus but also secondary losses as well. The primary loss was the face to face day to day relationship with their Messiah. The secondary losses were a friend, teacher, companion. Jesus knew this would be hard for them and Jesus said in John 14:1 Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God trust in me also. Even though His death was God's plan it still caused complex grief for all who loved Him. Jesus was resurrected but their relationship with Him still changed forever.

Tonight after I got off work I listened to my voicemail. I got a call from one of my friends saying that my Burger King boss/friend had lost her fight to brain cancer and she died last night. She had 3 little ones and so I am grieving their loss right now.

I thank God for a great day at work and that Alex is doing better. I thank my cousin Paul for making the sight easier to get to for family. I am not too great on computer to even know how to do that. I also want to thank my sister for help of getting me started on my blog.

My prayer for today is that God will be with the families who have lost loved ones. Also, that He will continue to show me who I am in Him. I pray for healing of friends and family who are fighting illnesses, cancer, disease, lonliness and depression. I thank you Jesus for your continued love and comfort. Thank you for saving us. Help us to do better tomorrow and to shine your love to others. As for me and my house we will serve the Lord.

Praising God

Good Evening, I thank God for either healing Alex or it was just stress/illness this past weekend. I drove 6 hours south to be with her after she blacked out and fell while on vacation with her grandparents. By the time I got there she was doing better and I had dinner with her before turning around to drive back so I could be at work Sunday. Today I took her to her pediatrician and he said she is healthy and nothing is wrong. I am praising God for keeping her here with me but at the same time trusting Him to provide for the medical bills of the ems ride and care at St. Lukes. I missed out on 10 hrs of overtime (which work hardly ever okays) but my daughter is more important to me. I am doing well but feel like I am imposing on friends if I call to talk because I am taking from their family. I am feeling alone and like Job. God allows bad things to keep coming but I know it made Job stronger in his faith and life and so I am hoping and trusting God will do the same for me.

My prayer today is that I thank God for my family and friends and thank you for healing and being with Alex. Help her to keep trusting you and help me to raise her into a godly young lady. Heal others pain and illness before mine because they deserve it more. I praise and glorify Your Name. As for me and my house we will serve the Lord!!!