Good Friday

Good Evening, Today is two months since Chris' death if you go by days of week. If you go by date is two months and four days. Alex seemed to be herself today and no sickness. Today went well up to the point of getting off work. Mom and Jennifer talked me into going to Jennifer's church for the 7pm service. One year ago Chris, Alex and I went to Holy Cross' Good Friday service as a family for the first time he was able and wanting to go with Alex and I. I didn't realize til tonight how much anger I have. I don't know if it is anger towards me, Chris, or God or a combination of all three. I had my parents, Jennifer, Alex and Baughman grandparents at my house waiting for me after work and I was rude by not speaking and we went to dinner and I was just there in body but not there personally. I feel bad but I think they understand. We then went to service and I couldn't even sing. I listened to Alex and Jennifer sing and bless Alex's heart she took my hand and also rubbed my back because she saw me in pain and crying. I felt the negative feeling escaping so I excused myself from service so others wouldn't grasp it. I sat in the foyer for a while crying and calling out to God. Then I went to the bathroom to compose myself and as I was in a stall still crying in anger, a sweet woman on her way out said "not to pry but is there anything or anyone I can get for you, I am not sure if you are sick or needing help." I told her I am fine I am just grieving with anger because I lost my husband in February and I am having a hard time dealing with God not healing him. She said, "God is a healing God but also has a plan for our life and you will be in my prayers." Then I went back sitting in foyer and Alex went to the bathroom and saw me and came and rubbed my back and sat a little bit with me then went back in. I was then rude again and when she came to me after the service we left without saying goodbye but I didn't want anyone to see me in the despair I was in. I should be upstairs right now spending time with Alex but I am tired of her seeing me upset and giving myself a pity party.

My prayer tonight is that I will be able to see God's love and forgiveness. I thank God for giving me a sweet godly daughter to help me keep strong. I pray I will figure out my anger and frustration and release it or pray that God will just take it from me. I pray that I will become calm and peaceful at work again instead of irritated easily. I pray I will not just do the actions and feelings that I know I need to do to follow God but also with my heart and soul will be there as well. I thank God for giving His Son to save us. I pray God will also heal my habit because I really don't want to do it but it seems to calm me. I pray I will be able to worship on Sunday and be totally there at church and also with family for dinner.

I want to wish all of you a Happy Easter and Many Blessings of God.