Todays verse is Philippians 4:8 (sorry mom) Finally beloved whatever is true whatever is honorable, whatever is just whatever is pure whatever is pleasing think about such things. (It is only by thinking about great and good things that we come to love them)

This is the day the Lord has made and I will rejoice and be glad in it. Alex has helped me believe that today. On my bed this afternoon I found a card she made On front it says A precious gift of moments with a picture of precious moments glued in middle. Inside it says The joy you brought to my heart I will give you but you can share it with me.

I fell asleep at 4am and then the girls got up and ate while I slept til 10. We did errands and I just made steak burritos to take over to Don and Homer. I got up and after shower text since no answer to cousins saying I quit playing their game. Took deep breath and have been enjoying the day. The girls and I ate at Carlos O'Kellys today and the mgr would only allow me to use 1 coupon unlike back home. It is ok though. Ordered the items I need for front plates from Ford today. They will be in Tuesday. Then I have to set up appt for them to install. As I was leaving I saw a vehicle I like for 17000, maybe I should save for that first since I am content here. It would probably get better milage and gas. I would save the white lincoln for a back up and trade the blue in.

Marlene and Alex asked if I could hook up Nintendo but wasn't sure if it would work since we had problems with it when Chris was alive. It is hooked up and it works. :) It has been an overall good day.

Alex and I talked to dad today and found out Anthony has had more issues. Please be praying for him and my parents as they are trying to provide for him and keep loving him unconditionally as he acts out on anger from past hurts and abuse. Still don't know what is happening for Thanksgiving Sarah offered there house to my family while hers is at a church. I want to see them but not sure I want to go all out and have turkey, dressing, etc. I know I will be home for sure Dec 30-Jan 3rd. I have to work day after Thanksgiving or I would travel there for the 4 day weekend.

We took dinner to McCallum house and everyone there was just slowly eating which was unusual. Don got up and got cottage cheese and then I remembered they don't like spicy. I had put on red enchilada sauce over the burritos. They ate it without complaints and made me feel good about cooking for them. I know it was hard but thank you for being kind and considerate.

Today was great; I didn't know that choosing to be happy was so easy and relaxing. The kids and Don and their neighbors had smores on a bonfire tonight. I chose to stay in where it was warm. We miss you Sarah. Have a safe trip back.

Todays verse: Rev. 3:20 Here I am I stand at the door and knock. If you hear my voice and open the door I will come in. (Fling the door of your heart wide open and let God in. If you learn to do that everything you touch all day long will be stamped with the presence of God.)

I am so angry right now. I got my mail tonight about 10:30pm and there was the package I have been expecting for about two weeks now. Inside was a very old house key from before July and pictures and a very disturbing letter. She knew the key was no good and more accusations. Can you believe she said I have been mean and have disowned them since Chris died and that they are hurt by me and my family and don't know who or what to believe. I better take care of myself for Alex's sake. etc. I called a friend I shouldn't have but he said some great things. He said I should believe my family because these other people have issues and want me to respond because it intices them. It is their game. He told me to quit the game. He also told me I need to call my parents more than once a month. Which I try to. My dad actually said to me last weekend I sound happier but misses me. I am happier until I let these other people interfere. I just keep praying and hoping people change. I am starting to feel like I shouldn't have made Chris get his family involved with us. He didn't have anything to do with them until Alex turned 1 and some age 2. Why? I hate this because everytime this happens I struggle with God and angry at Chris and the fact God didn't make him stronger to fight through this. What I really want for Christmas and even for Thanksgiving is for family to be loving and respectful. I want trust and truth. This really hurts. My worst fear is when Alex gets older and goes and sees these people I will be the one blamed for keeping her away. I can't tell her what is going on because she is just 9. She hasn't even asked about them or said anything about missing them. I love these people because they are apart of Chris and they even helped while Chris was hospitalized. This friend of mine asked why do you worry about what others say or think? I don't have that answer but I do know that it is because I am a people pleaser and obsessed with peace and likeness for me. I keep saying I quit the game but jump right back into it. WHY?

I couldn't believe this but I asked one of my friends who is a co-worker as well if she knows any good guys that might go out. Some of me wasn't serious but more than half was. She didn't and that is okay.

As I was tucking the girls into bed, I picked up Alex's Bible off the floor and on the back she had written a prayer. A prayer:I am glad God loves me and hope my dad is safe which I know he is but please let me know and I love you amen. I have tears now. Her prayer was mine for awhile but God has shown me his salvation is forever through songs and scripture so I would have that peace. I thank God for making a safe trip for Sarah and giving her good bonding time. I pray that you will bless her this weekend as well. We are sending our love in thoughts. I pray that I didn't do anything to cause Delphia to want to stay home tonight. I really want to be a peaceful mom even when they do wrong.

I am so proud of Alex. We got report card today. No C's. 2 A's and rest B's. The comments were Effort was very good Behavior is that she sets a good example and Work Habits that she works independantly.(which she has been since age 2 always had to open her door by herself no matter where we went)Teacher wrote:Alex is a pleasure to have in class. She has made the transition well. She fits in well with her classmates. She is always kind and considerate of others. Her average overall is 88.2 which is a B. :)

It's midnight and of course I am tired but can't sleep. I was up til 2am last night then woke up every hour. Took girls to school(no bus since I didn't know if Sarah would want that plus got me out of bed) and then I closed tonight. Picked up Marlene and Alex because that is who wanted to stay over. We will probably go to ford dealer to see about getting a front plate put on. Kinda wanted to ask Don if I could take kids to Indiana since no school on Monday but I didn't think I could do that with the kids. I am used to one not 4-6 kids. So we will find things here to occupy our time. Good night it is 1:45am and the girls will probably get up in 5 hours. Hope I can fall asleep.

Good Evening, I don't know where to begin. God has surely blessed me this week. I was able to pick up overtime on Tuesday and could've Wed and today but I have the McCallum children while Sarah is away. Pray for you travel and time there and that she will be able to be an encouragement to those family members. Got a card in the mail that was encouraging today and it reads "One who loves deeply will weep deeply. The tears we shed are tears of loneliness that say, I love you and I miss you." "May you feel the comfort of God's arms around you and be strengthened by the love and prayers of family and friends." So thank you so much for those words.

Wednesday at church I had my feelings hurt but instead of holding it in and dwelling on it God gave me the strength to go to that person and talk it out. It was not meant to hurt and I figured that but that just shows how much growth I have had that I was able to go to this person and get it settled then and there. Love God and He is worthy of all my praises (a book that is never ending)

About a month ago the Indiana electric company over took from my Fort Wayne account which I paid the bill with 2 checks. I wrote one to make the Fort Wayne bank to zero and then wrote another to pay rest of bill from this account here. They electronically submitted it so I can't see check image but I called because I got an over draft charge. I had to fax the statement that shows it was their check that made it over in order to investigate. I just recieved 2 checks in mail from them, one for $34 for overdraft and the other for amount of the bill that I just paid that caused this. No letter with it so I think they are making up for their mistake. I almost didn't call because it is only 34 dollars but that is almost a tank of gas.

I made some ladies smile and laugh today to start their day off right. I went this morning to get my license and plates and try to make it to work by 10:15am and the branch I had to go to didn't open til 9am and it was about 20 minutes from where I live. I got it done and they were amazed how organized I was and had more than what I needed except for title transfer they needed original and not copies of death certificate and executor of estate so they said to mail them to them and they will send back so I will do that. But what made them laugh was on my way out I said I am finally official and I am a Hawkeye now whoo whoo!!! One lady said Indiana sure loves long numbers. (license and titles she said) Went to work and showed everyone my license and even on my first fifteen minute break went and put the plate on. I say plate because my blue towncar has no front place for front one. Here in Iowa it is law to have front and back plates. So I have to see what I can do to get the other on. I don't know about white car because it is in garage and I didn't get home til after 9pm and the girls had to get to bed for school.

Don was working in yard tonight when I got there at 7:15 and so I went in and fixed mac/cheese for the kids and I and Don ran into town for something he needed to get for tomorrow so that is why so late. He is making progress but still a lot of work and no time left. Don will have the kids tomorrow while I am at work. Then at 9:45pm I will pick up Marlene and Alex. All the other kids are taken care of til Monday.

So there you have it. I am doing very well and so is Alex. I am amazed. I put in a request for Dec. 30th through Jan 3rd off but don't know if I will get it or not. The 31st of Dec is my Anniversary (7th) This past August was 10 years Chris and I were together. So I feel like I need it off to just be by myself and talk to Chris and God. Alex can visit family and maybe we can celebrate Christmas then.

1 Peter 5:7 Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. (if only we could learn to leave them there)

Wow, what a day! I had a hard time getting out of bed. I woke up with my alarm and Alex took shower and it took all I had to get out of bed which ended up being the time Sunday School started. We managed to get there when class actually started after singing. On way out the door my daughter said to me you look sick. Boy I wanted to go back to bed after that. We spent the afternoon watching movies or sleeping. Alex made ramen noodles for dinner. I made out a chore list for her. I am starting to be a parent again. She asked what do I get if I do this? I said you aren't doing this for reward, it is because you are apart of this family and having responsibility is a good thing. The reward is honoring God because you are obeying my request.

Alex asked Pastor Epley about Baptism today. I still don't think she understands it. She believes it is apart of salvation and it is not. Only God can save you nothing else does. So be praying that God will show me how to explain it or have her understand it. She has been wanting to get baptized for sometime now and I even went round in circles with the school pastor about it for 3 years now.

I so far have had 2 responses on the letter I sent out a week ago. Bart called with tears of missing us and mom wasn't sure what I needed so I clarified. Sue and Nelson won't answer their phones so I think they took it wrong as normal. Jennifer has been gone on vacation so she doesn't know about it. Sonny and Cathy and Ken haven't responded. So I have no idea what they think but they don't call or I don't call them much anyways.

Got a text today asking how far away from Quad City or Davenport are you. I said quite a ways so then he asked how far from Parkersburg or Grundy Center because I am looking at a map. I guess him and a buddy are riding bikes to Davenport and want to stop and say hi. I really hope they don't come. I thought Sue and Nelson would come find me not this person.

God, I surrender all to you. You have this journey and chapter of my life all planned. I am trusting in You and only You. I thank you for your love and support. I thank you for Your faithfulness and peace You have given Alex and I. Help me to get out of that Babylonian lifestyle again. I didn't realize of living in that lifestyle for 11 years how much it affected our relationship. I crave for that closeness again. I hunger for Your affection and words of love and guidance and comfort. I thank You for standing by me waiting for me to catch up again. Help me to keep my eyes focused on You (the finsh line).