It's been awhile since I last wrote. A lot has been going on. I can not believe that Friday was 6 months since Chris died. God has been so faithful and providing for us and even redirecting out lives. I am crying tonight because reality is setting in that he is not here. I am having to make a new start for us without him. I pray that God will be with Alex again this year to help her excel in school. I have been sick with a cold and sinus congestion this past week and I think it is from working couple of ten hour days and not sleeping. I can not stop thinking of Chris and our love we had for one another as we worked through our problems and the past 2 years we choose to do God's will and work through the past and have a godly marriage. Last night I flipped to the book of Romans and it spoke about free from the law if your husband dies but do I want to be free? I know God has a perfect plan and He won't move me on till I am ready. I hate the fact that I am not able to heal the relationship with his side because it is not me to leave a relationship sour. But God knows I tried my best to keep the family together.

The people out here are so good to me and encouraging. I looked at houses and rentals yesterday and I would love to take something from each to create the perfect setting and house. I prayed last night about what I should do and I chose to still meet with the bank on Monday to see the options for next year still but for the next 6 months atleast I am going to rent so I can rekindle my savings again so incase something happens I can stand on my own two teeth. (I mean own two feet)This is a laugh in its own from last night. In many of the houses I saw Chris in each one. The first was indian pictures on the walls,the second wasn't much of a house so I don't count it, the third was 4 tvs in the garage area, the fourth, he wanted a fireplace to cuddle around but funds kept us from having one, the fifth was a knick knack shelving in the living room similar to what dad and Bart made. So the sixth month anniversary still had Chris very much alive in me. I didn't let anyone know I was having a rough time. I didn't know til now myself when everyone is in bed and I am crying. I have been asleep most of the time here due to not feeling well and I am also crying because I am not my helpful self and they understand I don't feel well. What proof of friendship this is. They have even helped with saline wash but it makes me cry as well but it works. My family has been supportive through this transition and hard decision of moving and trusting God and I thank them for that. I thank them for helping me out by watching Alex and taking her to do fun things. I thank my sister as well for that and for spending her Wednesday nights with me doing a bible study. I will miss them deeply. I probably won't be on for awhile after this Tuesday because I will probably have no internet until I get out here. So I pray that God will guide and take care of you. I love all of you so much. I think tomorrow I will go and pray through this house and have God bless this small but going to be a great time of rededication and dejunking of our spirits for the glory of the Lord.

It was nice to hear Don play his drums again tonight, after many years not hearing him. I told Homer that I was around his age the last time I heard his dad play. It is amazing how much people mature when they grow up. I look back on myself and I am amazed of how I have changed. But I still have growing to do still. I am trusting God to continue to do His work in and through Alex and I.

My week of lows and highs (roller coaster)

Wow, what a week! I have done everything I know how to to fix the problems b/n this family member and I. I am leaving it up totally to God now instead of leaning on Him to help me fix it. I found out Thursday that I have a choice to stay or go reguarding the house. My lawyer and I decided to continue with God's plan for me to move because how the bank has been talking prior they want the house and could at the last minute decide to not have me have it. God spoke to me again through the message at church today which supports me stepping out in faith and following God and wanting to grow closer and stronger in Him. Yesterday, was a great time to talk to family and to answer questions about how God is working and living in our lives. I also feel like I have mended some miscommunication and hurts as well. Hopefully, the peace will continue in these relationships.Alex enjoyed the day Friday with Aunt Jen at Michigan Adventure and also swimming in Lake Michigan yesterday with cousin Matthew. They were brave because the waves were big and constant and even had whitecaps on them. It was cold and rainy but no one complained about that I don't think. Today I told my pharmacy manager and he said I have always told everyone here it goes God, family, friends, work and when your priorities are straight everything works out and I need to go and he is very supportive. I was crying because he has been there and knew Chris. He hugged me supportively and I felt his blessing. Now all I have to do is tell my neighbors who I love dearly.

This is what I wrote my church family:
I was raised in a Christian loving home. I found God for myself in third grade. I haven't always seen or heard God but as I look back He has always been there. It reminds me of the verse that says don't let your right hand know what your left hand is doing and you feel so much better when things of good are done in secret instead of made known. I rebelled against God and family in 1999 and didn't come back to Him til fall of 2000. It was a message from God that God spoke through Pastor Hawkins at First Assembly, and it was that the church is a hospital and if we can not have the doors open for the sick and weary then what is our purpose. I needed a hospital spiritually and God used the church body to have me grow closer to Him and even minister to my husband who wasn't saved. God healed my alcoholic husband, a year and a half ago when he became saved, which lead to healing our marriage. As a friend told me through a plaque Don't tell God how big your problems are tell your problems how big your God is. I used to say especially right after my husband died what more God can I handle and why didn't you heal my husband but God has a wonderful purpose and love for us. I now say what more can the enemy give me that will in turn turn into praise to God. Everything as I look back on has turned out in the end as praise to God for walking beside me and sometimes carrying me through my choices. I say this because there was hardships in my marriage and life but the enemy meant them for harm but God used the weakness of our humanwill to strengthen our marriage and even brought my husband to the Lord before he died in February. God used my dedication in staying in my marriage and the trust and care of Pastor Williams to help lead him to the Lord. Pastor Dan help me stay in my marriage and stay accountable as long as I did and was apart of my prayer of friends.Yes, the enemy got control of my husbands humanwill with voices and disease but the Lord has the ultimate victory because my husband loved the Lord. I thank the renew counseling center with Nancy Williams for her faithfulness to help those who need help figuring out life circumstances and basing it on the Word of God. God has been leading my daughter and I these past 6 months with peace and joy of knowing where we are in Christ. I thank Pastor Barry for his commitment to the children's ministry as he helped Alex along especially while losing her father. God is now leading us to take a step of faith and leave our friends and family and move to another state. He has made it peaceful and smooth for this move and I know that Alex and I will be able to grow spiritually and emotionally stronger in Him as we rely on Him more as we begin our new start. God has given us a cousin and his family and some of their friends to be a great support at first there until we can get our own as well as join theirs. We are saddened to be leaving such great friends and family because you all have been so great in words of comfort, support, and prayers. You have been there for us when we needed someone to lean on or get advice or even a hug or a call in the night. I am grateful to you and will pray for you often as God leads me to pray. I love all of you. I would mention everyone and how they have touched our lives but it is too long of a list and not enough time. All this weekend, I have just been singing Standing on the Promises of God my Savior and thinking of the new song we learned a couple weeks ago about your testimony will defeat the enemy. My testimony has defeated the enemy because I am taking action to move spiritually and praising God for all He has done to walk with me even when I went my own way. He will never leave you or forsake you. He is holding His arms out and waiting for you to reach out to Him. I pray that God will guide and direct your path He has planned for you. I plan on staying in touch as much as I can. We will visit when we come to see family. We will miss you.