Good Evening, I just completed my day. Work was slow today but good. I have decided to start having weekly date night with Alex and each week we will take turns on who choses what. She wanted to go to HuHot and golf but no golf here so she chose bowling. After dinner we went to bowling alley and they were all full for another hour plus. We chose to go to Family Video to get movies to watch. She wanted to watch Charlottes Web 2 but it wouldn't work in laptop where we can watch it comfortably so she chose My Sister's Keeper. I watched this in theaters this past summer. God used this to speak to me that Chris was tired of fighting the pain and was ready to be pain free. I cried all the way through it tonight and she joined in at the end. It was nice. I told her we are still living out life with the best dad/husband in the world.

Tonight on way home from getting dinner and movies we stopped and got the mail. I got a card in the mail from someone who I have felt like I have let down and he didn't approve of me due to having Alex out of wedlock even though over the years he has been kind and lovong. It was so nice. The card said...You really are a wonderful woman with many warm, endearing qualities, and the qualities that make you a very special mother and makes you a very special person. It brought tears to my eyes because so many people see that in me but I don't. I have failed myself. I worry about what others think and try to imitate the ones I think are best, and I want to live in the past instead of living in today and days to come. It is so hard to give up someone you became friends with over the years and the one who taught you to embrace life and have fun. How can I have fun now? I am hoping through these date nights I can find that fun again and keep that aliveness Chris instilled in Alex alive in her for when she has her family. I have not talked about Chris all week. I have bitten my tongue alot and it helped me not feel guilty of projecting him on people in conversations but at the same time I talk to him still and think of him every minute. It is really bubbling ready to release. So thank God for blogs to write my erruptions down.

Thursday I am going out with Sarah, as I have asked her to, since Alex doesn't like where I want to go. So thank you to Don for helping me out with watching all the kids this coming Thursday. I really don't need the calories but it is my birthday and I am going to celebrate it like normal minus the marquarita and company.

Maybe my sister is right about me not being excited about going to Disney with her and Alex. I am excited but at the same time I am broken inside because Chris and I wanted to take her along with Jennifer last year but couldn't. We were going to take Jennifer to give us one night together while she had a blast with Alex as well. So it is a bittersweet event.I love them both and when it gets closer I will be excited.

My heart aches and goes out to those who mourn a husband, wife, mother, father, daughter, son, brother, sister, unborn child, grandma, grandpa etc. The truth is that you will not be able to let go completely. You will always remember them and miss them. My prayer for you and me is that we remember God sees the whole picture and has what is best for us. I keep praying I will feel the pain less each day and as others who have been there keep telling me it will get better. Until then tonight I am moving my ring back to my left hand, because right now I can not be fair to myself or others by pretending I am ready to move on. I will be comparing them to Chris and I will be looking for someone to fulfill my emotional needs rather than seeing them for who they are in Christ and themselves. I am happy if I will be LouAnn Hope Strack rest of my life. I am grateful for my blessed family I had. God gave me the strength to fight for him and for us. I love you and will always.

Right now I am loving my daughter to the fullest. I pray she will have the joy and love and will know how to be a lively person shining God's glory and praise and at same time be true to herself.One of my new friends here in Iowa gave me this verse it has helped put my focus on the race for God's love and how He is going to help me through this so I can help others as well... Hebrews 12:2 Keep your eyes on Jesus, who both began and finished this race we are in. (the message)

This past weekend was a great weekend. I helped my cousin with throwing a 80th birthday party for his dad and we had 79 people and 1 dog there. He made a ham dinner and the entertainment was well too. Alex had a great time with cousins from Illnois swimming at the motel and we all had laughs in the room. It was a great time visiting with family I usually see once a year and there was times this weekend where a few of us at a time went out and we got to talk. Sarah helped drive a portion back due to me getting a bad headache. We had bad roads due to snow the last 50 miles of Illnois and through Cedar Rapids. I handled it well. I still have ice/snow covering my front plate and grill of car that I can't get off with hand or foot.

Work was slow today. I love working here and thankful for the support I have here at work. I also can't believe that Iowa is growing on me. I was so ready to be back home here last night. I can't believe I am planning ahead. I am not one to plan ahead, more like a procrastinator. I talked to my parents and Alex will be spending week there for spring break. I hope to celebrate the March birthdays one of the two weekends I will be in Indiana.

I am thankful that some relationships are working out better. I am also thankful that I am taking advice and putting it into practice as well. I don't think I talked about Chris today but I have talked to him today. Looking forward to Thursday, I am spending time with Alex and going to do what she wants to and then next week one day it is my turn to pick. Pray for me as I do not like to play nintendo or play board games with her but this is good for me to practice patience and to bond with her.