Each day gets harder and harder. I am emotionally drained and the enemy is going strong. I don't know what is true and not. I don't know if someone is telling me the truth or trying to make me feel bad. I want to keep the things of Chris and trust that Jennifer doesn't get rid of history passed down to Alex. Some people are making it hard on me to do what I feel is right. Some people are making me wish it was just Alex and I. Is this really God's will? Is God real? Does God have our best interest at heart? Does the loved ones who leave us come back to see us? There are times I feel God and believe he is here but feelings lie. Do you still have people in your life because they are family and help you out with items you need and don't or help with childcare? or do you cut them out because you don't want your faith and beliefs to be questioned all the time. Do you keep in touch because they do mean well and don't know any differently? Jesus didn't turn his back on those who didn't understand him or his ways, he just prayed and witnessed harder. So do I stay and just pray or what? Does Chris love them more to appear to them instead of me, if the love ones can appear after gone? Or is he just trying to let them know they need to know God and not go through the virgin Mary? Do I even know what I want or what is best for us? Do I have an illness or am I pregnant? Am I going to die soon? Am I sinning against God and disrespecting Chris when I talk to other people? Does Chris think I am over him if I talk to other male friends? Does he think I am strong enough now like he said I am? Does he see the pain I am in with his family and life? Does God even hear our cries for help? I AM NOT STRONG ENOUGH!!!! Why do I need smells to comfort me? Why do I feel guilty not being a stay at home mom when he was alive? Your Word says you don't bring the feeling of afraidness to us so why do I feel so afraid when you are to be with me? What is and was your purpose for me? Why did you have me love to just take it away? Why didn't you have him do this before the house addition because now it's more and I don't feel like having gatherings here without him? How can I go from being so strong in my faith one day to questioning it a lot the next? As I read my older post and praise you I weep because I know I wouldn't have gotten this far without you but how do I know it is you? Here my cry and ease my doubts and concerns. Am I just trying to convince myself that you are real or am I questioning your existance because I am feeling alone?
Dear God if you are real and can hear my cry, reveal yourself to me in a way that I will know it's you. Help me not to be confused and help me to stop questioning my faith. Help me to know what to do with these people in my life that mean well but keeps messing with my emotions and life. Give me the peace I need. Help me to stand strong against the enemy. Help me through this storm. I am sorry for these feelings but I think you know what I have been thinking so might as well get it out so I can heal. I pray that you will help me to sleep well and help me to sort through things and I won't have to take a lot of the same items to the alter over and over. Please heal my headache from crying for 6 hours. Renew me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AS FOR ME AND MY HOUSE WE WILL SERVE THE LORD!!! Enemy I COMMAND you in JESUS NAME get out of my life, house, family, mind, subconscience!!! JESUS IS MY SAVIOR AND DEFENDER!!!
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Give me peace like a river
Last night was difficult. A difficult customer had me so upset that I couldn't even get over it til late this afternoon. It was hard for me to get dressed and go to work. I did go to work from 9am to noon then I was sent home for 2 hours so I could work 2-9pm since someone called off. I felt bad because it was another night away from Alex. She was fine and Sue and Alex stopped in to see me. It is funny, when Chris was alive all I wanted to do is work so I didn't feel like I was leeching, now I just want to be home for Alex. We didn't have Bible study tonight because Jennifer is sick and mom just needed to be home since she will be gone this weekend and will have both grandkids on Sunday. I picked up a shift on Sunday for a lady who is getting married tomorrow. I have such a great little girl, on Monday she played outside and then called me to see what she did with her chalk. She wrote I love (drew a heart) MOM. I look at it everyday and smile. She was so proud of it and I felt so overwhelmed with joy because you could tell it came from the heart.
I think this is the verse I need to learn that is keeping me going this week. 2 Peter 1:3 "As you know him better, he will give you...everything you need for living a truly good life; he even shares his own glory and his own goodness with us!" One of Jesus' specialities is to make somebodies out of nobodies.
Tonight was better than last as far as work. I even got to leave at 8:30 since we died down. My pharmacy manager said I could go early so I can put Alex to bed. He said I helped out him so he wouldn't ask me to do projects til 9 to pass the time away. God put me in a store with great people to work with, very understanding and team oriented.
It is only 2 days til I get to see family in Michigan. I can't wait. It seems like it has been a year. I think it has because I didn't make it to the reunion and the last time I was up there was for Uncle Curtis' wedding. It was so beautiful and Chris and I enjoyed it and even held hands through it. Chris even loved their house. He talked about it for almost an hour home and then throughout the week occassionally.
I pray tonight for my family who needs healing. I pray for those who need work that God will supply all their needs for them. I pray for forgiveness of my attitude and anger I held on to too long. I thank God for His faithfulness and love. I give all my concerns and cares to you. For you have me in your hands and I am surrendering to your ways. I thank you for who you are and what you are doing. I thank you for caring and providing for Alex and I and I pray that you will continue to guide and direct us. As for me and my house we will serve the Lord.
Monday, May 18, 2009
Prayers
Good Evening, I am needing prayer, For the past week I have been feeling weak and light headed and I haven't been able to go on the deck even because I feel like any minute I can fall. I have been eating. Some people say maybe my body is now out of shock and my weightloss and changes in my life are finally catching up. I hope it's that. I am trying not to go to the doctor for a couple of reasons, one I don't have one and second I have Alex's bills to pay for. It seems also that I am more hungry now as well. I drink my water instead of eating when I shouldn't. Also,please be praying for an unspoken request as well.
Today, I decided to take the last day of school off so when Alex gets out at 11am we can spend the day together. I didn't want to but someone else needed hours and I know that this summer I have to work and won't see her much, so I am trusting God. Tonight over dinner she said I can't wait til school is over so we can spend a lot of time together and I had to tell her the bad news of me working. So it validated that I did the right thing to make this last day special for her. It will be a surprise because she thinks Sue will still be picking her up. It will be different this year because last year her dad had off two weekdays and I took vacation one day each week then she only had 2 days with family per week. This year it will be all week unless she is at camp or I have vacation which is only 5 days which I took at her birthday time.
My prayer tonight is to thank God for His love and forgiveness. I thank Him for answering a prayer today. I was approved for the bigger life insurance coverage. I thank Him for what He is going to do. I pray that He will heal my habits and heal my emotional connection with Alex. Help me to have patience with her. I pray that You will help me show her how you worked in our lives and that You will reveal Yourself to her. I pray that you will continue to be with us and those who need Your healing and salvation. I thank you for this beautiful day. As for me and my house we will serve the Lord.
Today, I decided to take the last day of school off so when Alex gets out at 11am we can spend the day together. I didn't want to but someone else needed hours and I know that this summer I have to work and won't see her much, so I am trusting God. Tonight over dinner she said I can't wait til school is over so we can spend a lot of time together and I had to tell her the bad news of me working. So it validated that I did the right thing to make this last day special for her. It will be a surprise because she thinks Sue will still be picking her up. It will be different this year because last year her dad had off two weekdays and I took vacation one day each week then she only had 2 days with family per week. This year it will be all week unless she is at camp or I have vacation which is only 5 days which I took at her birthday time.
My prayer tonight is to thank God for His love and forgiveness. I thank Him for answering a prayer today. I was approved for the bigger life insurance coverage. I thank Him for what He is going to do. I pray that He will heal my habits and heal my emotional connection with Alex. Help me to have patience with her. I pray that You will help me show her how you worked in our lives and that You will reveal Yourself to her. I pray that you will continue to be with us and those who need Your healing and salvation. I thank you for this beautiful day. As for me and my house we will serve the Lord.
Sunday, May 17, 2009
This is my story!!!
Good Afternoon, Please take the time to read this, it may be long but I am leaving it up to God. Afterwards and maybe throughout I will post a picture from mother's day that Jennifer(sister) got me from Alex. 
This is my story... I was born on March 4th to loving parents and siblings that put the Lord first. I later then found the love of the Lord when I was in third grade at a concert of Al Denson "Will You Be the One" that he came to the church that was two blocks away from my house. I then later grew in my faith as a teenager when I was going to Auburn Alliance Church and the Sunday School leaders helped guide me to my spiritual maturity along with what I was recieving at home. I also met Jim and Janet Welch, that took me under their wing and was discipling me and others. Janet and I became prayer partners and friends that got me through middle and high school. After school I fell off the path that God had so perfect for me. I started smoking and hanging out with the wrong people and even turned against my family. I did quit smoking with the help of prayers from family within a year. Then several years have gone by and I could've gotten diseases and pregnant but after a year of rebelling against God and family and myself again, I was pregnant. I felt so ashamed and distant from the one person who really loved me no matter what, God. I called Janet after visiting several churches that shunned me for wedlock and she invited me to First Assembly. That first Sunday that I went, I still remember the pastor crying and saying, "If the church doors can't be a hospital for the sick to come and be healed then why are we here?" Wow, I wept. To this day the church has been a place of healing for me. My relationship with God was healed there and God spoke to me to stay with Chris since God chose him to be the father. God worked in my life and occassionally would bring my husband to His house as well. On Mothers Day 2002 my husband and I dedicated our almost 2 year old to the Lord.
She is now almost 9. God healed our marriage in November 2006, after I stumbled off the path God had for me. But it is great that we have such a loving and forgiving God. God used my unconditional and forgiving heart and example along with the Holy Spirit to bring Chris to know the Lord. December of 2007 my husband accepted the Lord, I didn't find out til January of this year from him. A pastor who had been praying with me for him told me and also my mother. Chris passed my mom a note saying you got one of your Christmas wishes, one being his salvation and the other my nephew in a safe home. I knew it was true, my husband quit drinking, he showed more affection to me instead of our daughter, he began reading the Bible and going to church with a willing heart. He told me in January he found God because he wanted what I had. The unconditional love for others and forgiveness towards others wrongful doings etc. The last month of his life he even was down to 1 and 1/2 cigarettes because he wanted to quit. I don't understand why God didn't heal him but God has a perfect plan for each one of us. Just his salvation alone fullfilled many prayers my family and friends have made. God had been working in both lives. I was finding my faith again and it kept rebuilding these past two years as I had been praying for and Chris was just getting to know Jesus with a willing heart. Just after his death, my dad went in the hospital and I just wondered what next Lord are you giving me to handle, I am still handling this first thing. God got me through that, my dad is now fine and just needed time to slow down and to not be so overwhelmed with everything that was going on. Then after that Alex was on Spring break with grandparents and passed out and was rushed in ems to a hospital in Kentucky. I missed 10 hours of overtime which is hardly approved and gas to go down there 6 hours one way. Turned out after ekg and x-rays that it was just an upper viral respiratory infection. But through this, God showed Alex I am still here for her. This was another how much more do you think I can handle and why? I praised God for this event because He showed me it is not all about work and He also showed me He is a God of healing. Now I am just trusting Him to keep providing for us as we keep getting the bills.
I have been praising God and trusting God over the past years and especially these past months, because that is the right thing to do. But it is not easy, especially when you are someone who hangs on to anger, frustration, and wrongdoings of your own actions. The last couple of weeks God has used others to show me that it is great that we have such a great God who doesn't hold on to anger, frustration, wrongdoings. He wipes our slates clean when we ask truthfully for forgiveness. I have gone through a lot of storms this year and God is faithful to use others to help us through at the right moment. There has been so many people who God had enriching my life to get me through each week and I thank you. Today, I almost left service because some of the message was how God healed those who had faith, and I am still struggling with that. God help me right now because I want one but I am praising you and that is all I need. Anyways, I stuck it through, and at the end I prayed in my seat, then I went to give a note to the husband of a dear friend/prayer partner since I couldn't find her. He prayed with me and God used Gregg to tell me just go to the alter and let it out. I hesitated because I have been giving it to God and letting God handle things. Quit hanging on to the past, anger, frustration. The enemy is just wanting you to not let it go totally so you are reminded of the pains the humanwill brings. It was nice to talk to a family friend later, after letting it go. She asked about Chris and she was hurt because she didn't know about Chris. She last got our Christmas card that I wrote a letter with it saying things were going well. Her heart cry was why didn't the spirit touch her to know my hurt. We need a revival of the church. If we don't see someone for a week or two call them or write them to let them know they are missed. Anyways, I got home and opened the gift my friend/prayer partner Maylynne gave me(wife of the guy who prayed) and I broke down again as I remember everything God has given me to make my faith stronger and to be a living witness for Him. I love that song, I will remember and also Blessed assurance. The gift was a plaque that said "Don't tell God how big your storm is, tell the storm how big your God is." So today, at the altar, I totally gave God everthing!! I am also telling my storms and strongholds how BIG my God is!!! Including, when I am needing comforted by smells of Chris I will turn to Him in praise for working in Chris' life instead of turning to earthly smells. God is AWESOME!!! I praise God for what He has done and is going to do. Thank you for using my life to be an example so others will see Your Glory. As for me and my house we will serve the Lord.
This is my story... I was born on March 4th to loving parents and siblings that put the Lord first. I later then found the love of the Lord when I was in third grade at a concert of Al Denson "Will You Be the One" that he came to the church that was two blocks away from my house. I then later grew in my faith as a teenager when I was going to Auburn Alliance Church and the Sunday School leaders helped guide me to my spiritual maturity along with what I was recieving at home. I also met Jim and Janet Welch, that took me under their wing and was discipling me and others. Janet and I became prayer partners and friends that got me through middle and high school. After school I fell off the path that God had so perfect for me. I started smoking and hanging out with the wrong people and even turned against my family. I did quit smoking with the help of prayers from family within a year. Then several years have gone by and I could've gotten diseases and pregnant but after a year of rebelling against God and family and myself again, I was pregnant. I felt so ashamed and distant from the one person who really loved me no matter what, God. I called Janet after visiting several churches that shunned me for wedlock and she invited me to First Assembly. That first Sunday that I went, I still remember the pastor crying and saying, "If the church doors can't be a hospital for the sick to come and be healed then why are we here?" Wow, I wept. To this day the church has been a place of healing for me. My relationship with God was healed there and God spoke to me to stay with Chris since God chose him to be the father. God worked in my life and occassionally would bring my husband to His house as well. On Mothers Day 2002 my husband and I dedicated our almost 2 year old to the Lord.
She is now almost 9. God healed our marriage in November 2006, after I stumbled off the path God had for me. But it is great that we have such a loving and forgiving God. God used my unconditional and forgiving heart and example along with the Holy Spirit to bring Chris to know the Lord. December of 2007 my husband accepted the Lord, I didn't find out til January of this year from him. A pastor who had been praying with me for him told me and also my mother. Chris passed my mom a note saying you got one of your Christmas wishes, one being his salvation and the other my nephew in a safe home. I knew it was true, my husband quit drinking, he showed more affection to me instead of our daughter, he began reading the Bible and going to church with a willing heart. He told me in January he found God because he wanted what I had. The unconditional love for others and forgiveness towards others wrongful doings etc. The last month of his life he even was down to 1 and 1/2 cigarettes because he wanted to quit. I don't understand why God didn't heal him but God has a perfect plan for each one of us. Just his salvation alone fullfilled many prayers my family and friends have made. God had been working in both lives. I was finding my faith again and it kept rebuilding these past two years as I had been praying for and Chris was just getting to know Jesus with a willing heart. Just after his death, my dad went in the hospital and I just wondered what next Lord are you giving me to handle, I am still handling this first thing. God got me through that, my dad is now fine and just needed time to slow down and to not be so overwhelmed with everything that was going on. Then after that Alex was on Spring break with grandparents and passed out and was rushed in ems to a hospital in Kentucky. I missed 10 hours of overtime which is hardly approved and gas to go down there 6 hours one way. Turned out after ekg and x-rays that it was just an upper viral respiratory infection. But through this, God showed Alex I am still here for her. This was another how much more do you think I can handle and why? I praised God for this event because He showed me it is not all about work and He also showed me He is a God of healing. Now I am just trusting Him to keep providing for us as we keep getting the bills.
I have been praising God and trusting God over the past years and especially these past months, because that is the right thing to do. But it is not easy, especially when you are someone who hangs on to anger, frustration, and wrongdoings of your own actions. The last couple of weeks God has used others to show me that it is great that we have such a great God who doesn't hold on to anger, frustration, wrongdoings. He wipes our slates clean when we ask truthfully for forgiveness. I have gone through a lot of storms this year and God is faithful to use others to help us through at the right moment. There has been so many people who God had enriching my life to get me through each week and I thank you. Today, I almost left service because some of the message was how God healed those who had faith, and I am still struggling with that. God help me right now because I want one but I am praising you and that is all I need. Anyways, I stuck it through, and at the end I prayed in my seat, then I went to give a note to the husband of a dear friend/prayer partner since I couldn't find her. He prayed with me and God used Gregg to tell me just go to the alter and let it out. I hesitated because I have been giving it to God and letting God handle things. Quit hanging on to the past, anger, frustration. The enemy is just wanting you to not let it go totally so you are reminded of the pains the humanwill brings. It was nice to talk to a family friend later, after letting it go. She asked about Chris and she was hurt because she didn't know about Chris. She last got our Christmas card that I wrote a letter with it saying things were going well. Her heart cry was why didn't the spirit touch her to know my hurt. We need a revival of the church. If we don't see someone for a week or two call them or write them to let them know they are missed. Anyways, I got home and opened the gift my friend/prayer partner Maylynne gave me(wife of the guy who prayed) and I broke down again as I remember everything God has given me to make my faith stronger and to be a living witness for Him. I love that song, I will remember and also Blessed assurance. The gift was a plaque that said "Don't tell God how big your storm is, tell the storm how big your God is." So today, at the altar, I totally gave God everthing!! I am also telling my storms and strongholds how BIG my God is!!! Including, when I am needing comforted by smells of Chris I will turn to Him in praise for working in Chris' life instead of turning to earthly smells. God is AWESOME!!! I praise God for what He has done and is going to do. Thank you for using my life to be an example so others will see Your Glory. As for me and my house we will serve the Lord.
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