Wow, What a day. I arrived at my friends at 10 and left at 6. I helped chop veggies for an italian salad and slice lemons for lemonade, and cooked a lot of pasta for fettacinni and some other pasta for the open house. I even rolled the silverware in napkins. Alex went scrapbook shopping with the graduate and even picked up leaves throughout the day that the squirrels would knock out of their nests. I got a great by on the graduate's kind of shower gels and lotions. It was buy 3 get 2 free.

Alex and I just went and picked up our basement door. I hope this week dad and I can get it up. Alex and I also went today to find a bathing suit for her but had a hard time. Meijer only had two-piece which is not an option!! Walmart didn't have any in her size and so at the mall we checked out Macy's. We found one that will do. It was 50% off. (thank God because of the price) Sometime this week we will go to Goodwill to get shorts. She has a lot of shirts already.

I hope to get the grandkids pictures done this week for a present for dad. I have a coupon for a free 8X10 or 10X13 it expires Father's Day.

I am thanking God today for christian friends and family. I am thanking Him as well for helping me get up this morning. Earlier than I had planned but it was ok. I pray for family who think if they don't talk to you everyday that you are angry with them that they will realize that life is busy especially as a single parent and appointments and work and that it has nothing to do with them. I pray for salvation for these family members as well. (this only started after a talk about boundries) I pray for peace and comfort during this trial. My focus will and is always God first, Alex and I next,and my Comforter and Deliverer and Provider is always faithful.

As For Me and My House We WILL Serve the Lord!!!!

Good Evening, or Good Morning, whatever you want to call after midnight. Alex and just got home from our little outing to celebrate her report card. On our chart that Chris and her filled out, a B+ is Chuckie Cheeses but I asked her tonight if she would like to go see a movie in place of Chuckie Cheese. She said yes. This conversation took place after we ate as a family at IHOP with Anthony, mom, dad, and adopted grandparents (Baughmans). Tonight I found pictures from Chuckie Cheese of Alex, Chris and I from last year. We actually went there for her birthday on July 1st. We didn't pay the birthday outrageous prices, we went and just had fun as a family and to also get free tokens for her good grades. (we didn't have the chart then)So I called to see the times of Night at the Museum 2 and Up were. We chose Night at the Museum which the time that we could make without missing some of it was 10:05pm. I liked the first one better but this one pointed out some things in life that are important. Like the man Larry (night guard) wanted to be an inventor and he became one but then found out the museum was going new technology and storing the historic figures away and was saddened. He realized in his journey to save them that he didn't have love of life anymore or enjoy what he did. There were things I didn't like but it is what happened history. Alex said she like Amelia Earhart the best. It made me think what do I enjoy? I used to enjoy working, but now it is more a job of stress and too much time away. I wished I still had my third shift position. I saw Alex more and took care of her without feeling guilty of being away because she was asleep. It also was just me and the pharmacist (less drama and stress).

Do you ever wonder why God makes us so different? So unique in our qualities of gifts? Do you ever feel bad because it seems like all you do is talk about the bad in your life or the person you lost to illness? Do you ever wonder if your thoughts are from the heart or the loneliness inside? Will you ever stop talking about your hurts? Do we ever get over comparing ourselves to others? It would be nice if the answers were the same for all but we are beautifully and wonderfully made how God our Savior visioned us to be. And some questions are not meant to be answered either. So we just live the life of fullness of Jesus and smile in His love for one another for the person he or she is. I am lucky to have people in my life that is not judging or criticizing or demeaning me or my thoughts or my gifts.

Many of you think and have even asked me, does my counselor and financial advisor or lawyer ever asked me if I should downsize and get a smaller house or apartment. The answer is no, they know better, I believe, because for 1 the house probably wouldn't sell due to the economy, 2 I wouldn't get near to what it is worth, and 3 they know this house was drawn by Chris (addition and remodel of room, which is more than half the house) and Alex and I want the memories of our life together here in our home. We have had very crowded Thanksgiving dinners here and even a nice relaxed Thanksgiving here as well. We've had birthday parties here that even gave those who don't like large crowds to feel comfortable. Yes, it may be a pinched budget to do but Alex and I have talked and we are okay with that. She doesn't mind not doing many things she used to do with her dad, so we can keep the house and she understands I have to work as well. I do try to do fun things with her and we have friends at Putt-Putt that give us free tokens for arcade and we have friends at the mall to ride the carousel for free. There is biking and walking as well. We have movie night as well. Her great grades provided 8 free movie vouchers for a free rental.

Well, it's almost 1am and I have to be at a friends house at 10am to help make food for her daughter's open house for graduation that is Sunday. I can't believe how time has flown by. I babysat her daughter when she was 2 and now she is 18 and graduated. Alex and I also need to go to the mall and get her a gift. Her mom told us she wants shower gels and lotions for college. So mom and I are going in on Bath and Body products.

Hope you have a great weekend. Take care, and keep praising God. I am praising him for 21 days of freedom of my bad habit. And my counselor even told me she thinks it is not for the addiction but for the comfort of remembering Chris. Which is true to a point. When he was alive it was to escape the pain I was feeling. My God help you with whatever you are needing help on. He is faithful in His time!!! Good night or morning, it is 1am.

AS FOR ME AND MY HOUSE WE WILL SERVE THE LORD!!!!!

Tonight my dad made a special trip to Fort Wayne so Alex could go to the last night of Erins House before summer break. Tonight, we wrote to our loved one and sent it up on a balloon. The instructors there said this is the first time in 6 years they have had bad weather for this event. It was bittersweet. I told Chris that God was taking care of us, I miss and love him and he is forever mine. I told him of Alex's good grades and to smile and I am glad he is no longer in pain and help me with his family. I can't believe it is one week away until Alex is gone to Iowa for a week and a half. I had a mom from my group ask me afterwards, coming home to no one isn't that hard. I said yes, I usually just lay in my room as soon as I get home til the next morning when I have to get ready for work. I think of Alex and wish it was different but, God will use this time for good. Maybe to learn she isn't the only person, or she can't do things whenever she wants, or even how to share attention.

I am grateful to mom that she was able to help Alex grieve last night. Alex went upstairs crying and Anthony told grandma that Alex went up crying because she wanted to watch a movie that she used to watch with her dad. God gave grandma the strength to watch it with her. I felt bad I wasn't there for her. She is taking it well though that I have to work. I even have to give up time with her on Sunday to work because no one else could. I can't complain because it is more hours. The last 2 weeks I had only 27 hours and this week will be 40 now that I picked up Sunday.

I hope you have a great weekend. May God bless each one of you according to His will.

Joy ( "on ya")

Good Evening, Jennifer and I had Bible study together tonight. Mom decided to go home to relieve dad of the kids. It ended up being a good thing. Alex needed her. It was Alex's turn to pick a movie tonight and she chose one of her daddy's favorites that they watched together and she was missing him. She is trying to get $5 from me by getting up tomorrow at 5:05am to do a walk of pound video with grandma. She has to call me at 5:05am so I know that she got up. I told her it was ok if she didn't but she is persistant.

Tonight, I learned about fullness of joy. I had joy with Chris even in the midst of despair of his alcoholism. God had us make it full of joy for our daughter. He saw me for the beauty I had and it made me feel great. I felt the fullness of joy the later years of our 10 years together. The room lit up when one of us walked in. My family especially saw it at Christmas. I have even felt joy since his death. The kind of joy that makes your heart throb and swell with joy. I get this almost every night when I go to bed or walk in the bedroom. The love and time that family (who took precious days out of their lives) put into my room remodeling so I have a place of comfort and a quiet place to go be with the Lord. I also have gotten this joy by seeing and reading things of people who came to the open house that Chris and I both have touched and those who love us. My daughter also brings the gift of joy to my life. She is my very special joy that God gave me to make my heart full of joy and to keep trusting in God's promises.
Here are just some of the joys of my life:

I am waiting for the Lord for more joy in my life. Those who sow in tears now will reap with songs of joy later. The most fullfulled joy will be when Christ calls us home. Praise God. Til then I say along with Beth Moore, "on ya" (May the joy of the Lord be upon ya)She even mentioned tonight one of my favorite songs as a child which is When we all get to heaven. I just smile and imagine the beauty and love of God.

Today Alex received in the mail keys for kids devotional book from Focus on the family. I signed her up for it so we could do that together as well. I enjoyed it as a child. We would eat dinner then we would take turns each night reading the devotional book after we ate.

Jennifer wanted to go for a walk but I was in my pajamas already. So we sat and talked. I am trying not to talk about what has been going on or past hurts because I want to start living positively again. Tonight at the end of the segment of Beth Moore she talked about being royalty. One of the phrases got my attention which was "You have royal blood, now feel that way" It doesn't matter who is better dressed, or prettier or richest. We need to be like young children that when they are dressed up as princesses and knights they feel special and think everything else is what is dressed up. They act themselves not worrying if they are better. Chris and I have tried to keep Alex from drama and confrontation so she would live a positive life. Then reality kicked in when she started school. (even a private christian school)who would've thought.

I love you all, and I pray the best the Lord wants for you. I don't know and probably won't know why this took place but I do know that my faith has grown and I am still loving and trusting in Him even when I question a lot. I praise Him all the time for the joy of family and friends that I have. I pray that He will send the fullness of joy to you and your family as well.

I have made it through 2 tough days without Alex. I, however, stayed in bed til I had to get up and go to work today. I read my Bible for the first time by myself since Chris died. It just brought more questions. My counselor said that doing devotions with Alex would be fine for right now until I am ready to jump back in it for myself. I am trying. What I read last night was hard. I think I took it in all the wrong context. I emailed pictures that Jennifer took because I waited over a half an hour to download to post on blog but it still wasn't downloaded to blog so I cancelled out of it. To download to picture file from email it took no time. So I hope you enjoyed. If you didn't get them and want them let me know and I will send them via email. I love my family so much. They are very loving and supportive and caring. They also understand and respect the boundries I set. I pray that Chris' side would change and honor that and know God. In my Bible I noticed couple of bookmarks I didn't do. I believe they were Chris' bookmarks since they were pictures of Alex and him and placed in passages that his counselor gave him to read. But there was one passage I didn't know about so I don't know why it was marked but that was the hardest of them all that I questioned a lot. I am thankful though that Chris was taking time for God and knew Him. I am in the 20's now as far as weight. :) I am not even trying. I really wanted to get up this morning and workout but I couldn't. It seems like I only get up because of Alex. I am thankful for having her in my life not only for a reason to get up but for encouragement and love. Today was ok. Work was slow for once. I got hit on today as well, by someone who says they only want to be friends but his words say otherwise. Today, he text a chain type note about love. Then came and got his prescription and said I love your smile. It made me smile even bigger even though I didn't want to. I pointed out the person to the friend I have at my store that came from my original store as well. She laughed and said he messed himself up. I showed her the text as well. She said he is nice personally but wants to be more than friends and we both know I don't need or want that. Plus, she and I agree I don't need another project. He is weird and has tattoos all over and he said he needs a friend like me to help him not swear as much. I just smile and think of Chris and my love for one another. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about our great love we had. I am so much in love with Chris still. I am thankful for that. He was truly mine forever. I wished Bart would've had it. I ache for his hardship. I pray that my siblings will marry someone who loves God, loves to be with family and treats each other with respect and compromise. I know the heartache of going to family functions alone. Chris did come around and went to the wedding with me and we also hosted Thanksgiving. It hurt me to tell mom Sunday that I knew about Chris' illness before Thanksgiving. I just couldn't come to terms to talk about it because I didn't want Chris to be treated differently or looked at differently. I wish I would've so maybe more prayers would've changed the outcome, but my faith is growing through this, when it has been weak for sometime prior. I prayed that God would pull me closer to Him and rekindle our relationship like the one we had when I was a teenager. He answered it. Chris would be so proud of Alex. She missed an A- by 3 points for the 4th quarter and an A- by 2 points for the whole year. I am very proud of her, she saw and lived through a lot this year, more than what I could've thought. I just wished I could've helped him through it this last time as I did for months prior. As he would say, I am already dead inside. So, I guess, it was meant for him to do this. I don't think it is any different than machines keeping you alive. Alcohol shouldn't be able to keep you alive. He and I were always talking these past 2 months of him drinking again to drown it again but he didn't want to be a drunk anymore for his family. He said that this was the best year of a family full of love for one another in his life and he wanted to live. He also kept saying he wanted to live but didn't know how to with the pain. I am now feeling guilty because deep down I wanted to say go do it. Just so he wouldn't be in pain, but I loved him so much I didn't tell him. I just prayed by myself and with him. I love God, him and my family. Nothing will change that. I need him but God will help me through these needs and situations and directions.

update

Good Evening, Alex and I went to church this morning and I talked to my pastor I usually talk to and also his wife. They think I need to distant myself and Alex from them (Chris' side)until they change. I am back to my sleepless nights and still have my cold. I still get angry with myself, Chris and God and question a lot. Is it fair to Alex for this distance? It is for her spiritual growth, I believe. I think I will change locks and then only invite them over when I'm home for holidays. I tried to give my frustration and anger to the Lord at the alter but I didn't know how to. I cried and cried and felt like everyone was judging me so I left and stood in the hallway and looked out at the sky and talked to God. Mostly saying I can't do this, I can't raise Alex right, I can't live with negativity and torn families, I can't live this drama. I then went back in and sat with Alex. Enough of this, I've tried to upload the pictures of the furniture that Jennifer took and emailed to me but for some reason they won't. I will try tomorrow. Wish all of you a great week.

I pray that those who are sick will be better. I pray for my dad's eating habits and pray that Alex will not be affected by them. I thank God that dad is alright after falling in Jennifer's yard after the garage sale. I pray that the kids will take dad for a walk each day. I pray that they will also behave. I pray that I will get up and workout before work. I pray I will stop crying. I pray I can get back off pop again. I want to be happy in Jesus again and worship Him again like a new childlike faith would.