Thursday, December 24, 2009

Good Evening, I pray that everyone will have a blessed Christmas tomorrow. I am going through a lot right now, with the estate still open and still dealing with his side drama and disrespect. I am also dealing with some other issues that are facing tough decisions as well. So therefore, I am taking a step back in my life and just be. I don't think this drama and things I am dealing with right now are fair to Phil so I am going to just be friends for now and then when things get wrapped up I will see where we are then. I don't want to hurt him, he and his mom have been great support but I don't want to hurt him worse by not being totally with him like I should in a relationship. So I am gonna risk hurting him a little now than a lot later. I am hurting through this too because I care a lot for him.

I got here to Indiana safely and found out mom found out Monday that I was gonna be here Christmas eve when she stopped in to Carlos OKellys restraunt. I am great friends with the store mgr and some staff there and wanted to see them so I called to get hours and told them I would be there. Oh well, Alex is getting to see her more. I am house sitting tonight for my friend Janet since I was gonna surprise my parents and they were gonna be gone. We have been great friends through thick and thin with eachother since I was in 7th grade. She is 15 yrs older. I love her family they are family to me.

Thanksgiving was better than today and tomorrow. I didn't miss Chris so much on Thanksgiving. I think it was because I am usually so busy hosting and preparing and cleaning up from hosting close to 20 or so. And Christmas Chris and I usually worked to get Memorial Day off and Thanksgiving off. Plus Chris would do all the shopping for Christmas gifts and wrap them and I would find out what he got people the day they unwrapped them. I do not like to shop. Tonight as I sit in this quiet house and think, I think of the loving intense moment we had last year at Jennifers where we are starring into one anothers eyes and just see the love we have after so many days and holidays that were not so good in prior years. And also remembering him saying in the hospital he was gonna do this around Christmas but didn't want to upset a joyous time. I didn't miss him hardly the last few months but have and will always love him. I am so glad he is up celebrating with our Savior this year so he will know he was truly loved by God and his daughter and wife. God is my all and all and that is all I need this Christmas. Thank you God for being my all and loving me and accepting me when I fail you. I love you and I thank you for giving me Chris to love and to teach me things others tried to get me to do or understand. Thank you for my daughter, she is so beautiful and smart and loving and I love her so much. I love that you gave me such a great cirlce of friends to help eachother through the storms and joys. Thank you for sending your son so we may live forever with you. :)

Merry Christmas, God, both grandmas, Don Strack, Gordon, Chris,Aunt Grace Pat, and all the other loved ones who went before us. What I would do to hear all of you singing praises to God especially around this time of year. I love you all and miss each one of you.