I have made it through 2 tough days without Alex. I, however, stayed in bed til I had to get up and go to work today. I read my Bible for the first time by myself since Chris died. It just brought more questions. My counselor said that doing devotions with Alex would be fine for right now until I am ready to jump back in it for myself. I am trying. What I read last night was hard. I think I took it in all the wrong context. I emailed pictures that Jennifer took because I waited over a half an hour to download to post on blog but it still wasn't downloaded to blog so I cancelled out of it. To download to picture file from email it took no time. So I hope you enjoyed. If you didn't get them and want them let me know and I will send them via email. I love my family so much. They are very loving and supportive and caring. They also understand and respect the boundries I set. I pray that Chris' side would change and honor that and know God. In my Bible I noticed couple of bookmarks I didn't do. I believe they were Chris' bookmarks since they were pictures of Alex and him and placed in passages that his counselor gave him to read. But there was one passage I didn't know about so I don't know why it was marked but that was the hardest of them all that I questioned a lot. I am thankful though that Chris was taking time for God and knew Him. I am in the 20's now as far as weight. :) I am not even trying. I really wanted to get up this morning and workout but I couldn't. It seems like I only get up because of Alex. I am thankful for having her in my life not only for a reason to get up but for encouragement and love. Today was ok. Work was slow for once. I got hit on today as well, by someone who says they only want to be friends but his words say otherwise. Today, he text a chain type note about love. Then came and got his prescription and said I love your smile. It made me smile even bigger even though I didn't want to. I pointed out the person to the friend I have at my store that came from my original store as well. She laughed and said he messed himself up. I showed her the text as well. She said he is nice personally but wants to be more than friends and we both know I don't need or want that. Plus, she and I agree I don't need another project. He is weird and has tattoos all over and he said he needs a friend like me to help him not swear as much. I just smile and think of Chris and my love for one another. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about our great love we had. I am so much in love with Chris still. I am thankful for that. He was truly mine forever. I wished Bart would've had it. I ache for his hardship. I pray that my siblings will marry someone who loves God, loves to be with family and treats each other with respect and compromise. I know the heartache of going to family functions alone. Chris did come around and went to the wedding with me and we also hosted Thanksgiving. It hurt me to tell mom Sunday that I knew about Chris' illness before Thanksgiving. I just couldn't come to terms to talk about it because I didn't want Chris to be treated differently or looked at differently. I wish I would've so maybe more prayers would've changed the outcome, but my faith is growing through this, when it has been weak for sometime prior. I prayed that God would pull me closer to Him and rekindle our relationship like the one we had when I was a teenager. He answered it. Chris would be so proud of Alex. She missed an A- by 3 points for the 4th quarter and an A- by 2 points for the whole year. I am very proud of her, she saw and lived through a lot this year, more than what I could've thought. I just wished I could've helped him through it this last time as I did for months prior. As he would say, I am already dead inside. So, I guess, it was meant for him to do this. I don't think it is any different than machines keeping you alive. Alcohol shouldn't be able to keep you alive. He and I were always talking these past 2 months of him drinking again to drown it again but he didn't want to be a drunk anymore for his family. He said that this was the best year of a family full of love for one another in his life and he wanted to live. He also kept saying he wanted to live but didn't know how to with the pain. I am now feeling guilty because deep down I wanted to say go do it. Just so he wouldn't be in pain, but I loved him so much I didn't tell him. I just prayed by myself and with him. I love God, him and my family. Nothing will change that. I need him but God will help me through these needs and situations and directions.