Today I didn't get out of bed til 12:30pm. Alex broke her glasses at camp so we went to the mall to get them fixed. Thank you God for the low cost of 19 dollars to fix the lenses.(she couldn't find one of them). If we would've had both they would've replaced both with new for free under the warranty. Since it took an hour to get them back we did head downtown to the festival. We have a friend that has a place there that we see every year so we wanted to say hi and to let them know about Chris. As usual he gave Alex a free chocolate roll slice. We talked about 15 minutes and he was glad that even though we weren't eating there this year due to cost that we came to see him and his wife. The last few years we would go nearly everyday for the 14 days the festival goes but I told him this was the only time we would be here. He said they are only here for this weekend anyways due to other obligations at other fairs. So I don't feel so bad now. I offered to pay but he said no. He did miss the rock paper scissor game that Chris and Alex would do to see what flavor of roll to get. So then we went back to mall to get glasses and mom called and said Ken and Anthony would like to go see Ice Age dawn of the dinosaurs. So we did that. Since I had no money for rides or food at the fair, Alex rode the mall carousal about 10 times (she gets to ride for free, due to Chris and her being friends with the manager). I am brown bagging it this week to help with funds since I ended up going to the movies. I even stopped at Walmart to get a case of coke so I can just do one can a day to get going then drink water the rest. Pray that I will stick to that and brown bagging it. When it is just me I seem to go out instead of fix dinner even when it is just Alex and I because we will share a meal at Taco Bell for 5 dollars. Jen and I were talking the other day, it seems the healthy food is so expensive and so we settle for the junk most of the time.

Friends say I shouldn't let these cousins over next weekend because that is them setting my boundaries again. But it isn't fair to Alex not to get her presents from them. But then I feel like I am just using them. I am not a user. (atleast I try not to be) My parents gave me their blessing last night if I do get the clear answer from God to move. As far as last night, since Alex and I missed our plans after dinner out with the controling Chris' cousins, I was upset and so we took the cupcakes that Sue made and gave most of them to the tattoo guy and his son to share. Alex and I was in the car and they were outside the car and we talked for about a half hour. Alex seemed to like him but on the way home I discussed with her that we need to pray for him like all the others who need Christ. She said he is nice and I agree but I said I don't care for tatoos and he is also working on his language. So I did feel better but now I probably made him feel like I am leading him on. So now I am praying I will be a witness and nothing more.

God, why do I tend to do rational things when I am mad or lonely? Why is it too hard to turn to you, in times I really need a true friend? Why do I feel like I am having others carry my burdens with me? Why do I talk to others about my burdens, when they have their own? Help me to turn to you more and be satisfied with you and myself. Help me to stop stressing over the house, family, emotions, work, because you have them in your sight and hands. Why do I keep feeling bad when these cousins throw things in my face to make me feel bad, especially the letter they showed me last night. You and I both know that Chris and I had genuine love for one another and so why do I allow that to be questioned all the time? Am I going to find that love again? Are you going to bring me a godly christian man that will also accept Alex? These are only some of my thoughts God and I pray that you will just stop my mind from listening to the enemy and things of this world. Help me to sleep at night and allow me to have that companionship again. I need a little town again, where there is nothing to do except to bond with friends and family. I need a career that will challenge me and get me out of my comfort zone and provide for our needs not wants but I am scared of failure!!!! I have always been a failure. I have cheated all my life. I have also always taken the easy road after cheating in school. I guess Chris and the enemy chose for me to have a hard road now. Why? Why? Why? I am so angry right now. I don't know at who mostly but it is at myself, satan, Chris, his family, and you. I am sorry, but I don't have the understanding of why you didn't speak louder to Chris. Help me through this, I beg of you. I don't want to move from this house because it is Chris' vision but I am not sleeping, I am not getting the support from his side, I am worrying to much about finances even though I can do it.

Help me to truly believe this...