Today it took everything I got to get out of bed for church. My plan was to go to both churches today but didn't get up in time for the school church. I did go to First Assembly, it didn't bother me today even though the message was geared for husbands and wives. What got me was the songs, I went to the alter then after ten minutes had to remove myself because I found myself punching it and wanting to yell. I went and sat on the bathroom stahl floor and yelled in there. I at first said I hate you God, but then immediately took it back. I love God and want to believe He has good for me to come. I then a half hour later went back to service. Afterwards, I went up to the pastor's wife of todays message who is also my counselor, and just asked for a hug because she is not at work. She hugged me tight and asked is it getting harder for you? I said yes, just pray for me these next three weeks.(she took vacation so she can move)She said she will and then she also told me she knew it was getting harder because this cousin of Chris' who wants to control my life and Alex's called her again!!! This makes me more angry and wanting to move. I am to the point I will throw in all the furnishings for the house and just take the pictures and clothes. I am tired of being angry and hurt at God and myself. I set boundaries and the hurt and guilt just gets worse. So I guess I will just have to give in and live life her way for now to get some peace.

The message was about commitment through the rough times and trials. Consideration and Cooperation as well. I am so glad that God helped me through others to stay committed to my relationship with Chris. It was tough but we both grew through the committment to one another not only to ourselves but in Jesus as well. When Pastor Don talked about Consideration and Cooperation it triggered a resentment I have been holding onto. That is that Chris didn't talk to me about the house addition before he did it. I went along with his plans because I was his wife and I didn't leave him like I was going to do so he would get help for his addiction because I knew he signed bank papers already.(I knew this because of seeing contracts he had)When I say leave it wasn't for good it was so he would hit rock bottom and get help. Through staying with him especially at this time of his life it changed him. He quit drinking and became a loving husband that thought of my needs. So I didn't resent this anymore I thought until today. He said in the hospital that he was sorry he didn't include me in a lot of things and I forgave him.

My prayer today is that I will be able to totally let go and let God. I pray that I will have options for the house and that I will make a right choice. I pray that God will take control of this cousin soon. I thank God for all the good He has given us and will be given. I am glad and thankful that God helped me not to keep resetting the alarm today and got me to church. I truly love you God!!! Help me to be patient and strong as I wait upon you.