I haven't been able to sleep for several days and now even breaking out in the face due to worry and stress. I talked with my lawyer on Tuesday morning and he told me some options. Later that day he also called and asked me some hard decisions I have to make regarding what I want him to do for me and how much I want to spend for him to deal with these choices. I don't know for sure everything but all I know is I have prayed for God to guide and direct me and give me godly leaders and that God will be with them as they are helping me. Either way I go I am out a lot. I am questioning every decision I am making or gonna make. I want both but can't have both. I wish I knew for sure but waiting on the lawyer to get back to me before I talk about it. So just continue to pray God's wisdom upon me.

I asked a friend that I confide in to listen to a voicemail that I got from a special family friend yesterday since she has heard all of the ones I get that are disrespectful or inappropriate. She said, this is great this is someone who would build you up and help encourage you so you can heal and move on. I said, yes, but she lives out of state. I then called my district office to get this states district office number to see, if God leads me to go out of state, what I need to do to transfer my Indiana license to another state license. My family is great and if God moves my direction in life I will miss them. They are very supportive and loving. They step back when I need my space. I pray and wish it was the same on Chris' side.

Tonight I am feeling depressed because I am missing the companionship and support of Chris. I have been angry lately because I wouldn't have to make these tough decisions and be going through this if he was still here. But, tonight I ran into a lady who is 30 and single and we ended up talking for 2 hours about similarities of our loved ones (father/husband) who were mentally ill and took their own life. She broke down towards the end and cried while I stayed strong until I got out of the driveway leaving. We both had goosebumps on our arms in 90 degree weather just talking about the similarities. We both don't even know how we got talking about this. Matter of fact I went somewhere else first but then changed my mind and went here. It was a God thing. Is this who I need to be friends with and go through life with her? She even asked if I had the cremation and I said yes, she said do you still have your husband and I said yes. She smiled because she has found that all of the people she has in her life thinks that is weird or disgusting. I said I thought so at first with his dad but he would go talk to his dad every now and then and it was there to talk to. It was a connection. I believe sent from God.

Well, I am gonna go read another chapter in boundaries. It is 9:30pm and hopefully I can fall asleep at a decent time unlike this past week. It is usually 1 or 2 am but this week it's been 3 or 4 and not sound.