Today did not go as planned. I was hoping to get up at 8:00am to go to a Sunday school class and then church but I didn't get out of bed til 12:35pm (I was awake but depressed)to go meet my family at the mall. I was going to call Alex but decided not to because I knew she was in good hands. I guess my mom called and so we talked a little bit but then she went to watch a movie or something. I got mad at mom as she was criticing the photographer (one who did Chris' and mine) and even said she isn't doing it as well as what she did for you and Chris. It hurt. Mom didn't even see the pictures yet and great photos come from the people in it more than the photographer. I felt bad that we all came to a unanimous decision of her leaving to get more tea but I couldn't have her criticing. Plus the photographer was only on like 3 pictures of almost 50. I spent money I didn't want to spend so I could have pictures of Anthony. I didn't have any of him and hardly of Bart. I am glad though that I did splurge and get them. They look very nice. Tonight I sat in the new family room doing what Chris did to me when deciding where to hang things, and Jennifer did what I did back. Just listen and kinda put in some input but not much. It felt like he was here. Also, on my way back home from having a snack for supper I will rise song played. I don't know why I can't get up without Alex here or having to go to work. I wanted to go to church but I just can't seem to go on special days.

I got several comments on my weightloss this weekend. Today by the photographer and the carosual lady who is also my neighbor. I have lost 55 pounds since August. A year and a half ago I was down to 215 but then in the 5 months of no kitchen I gained back what I had lost plus some. I am now at 229. When I met Chris in August of 99 I weighed 190. I hope to someday be 140-170. But you know. I am beautiful no matter what size. Chris saw me that way and so does God. I need to start believing that. I don't need someone special to know who I am or what I am. I am someone who looks for the positive in others and loves her family. I have a caring heart and loves to help others.

I am feeling bad because what someone in my family needs and what I need. Neither one of us can do anything about to help eachother out. We talk about it but then we both end up with tears. I am so sorry, I wish I could tell or do something but all I can do is pray. Thank you though for helping me. I feel for you and at the same time applaud you for your wait on the Lord.

God, right now all I can say is that I love you. Be and show my family your will and plans. I ask for you to work their miracle before or while with mine. I am sorry for how I get upset and crouchy lately. Help me to be better. As for me and my house we will serve the Lord!