I don't want to miss a thing

My Dearest Chris,
I haven't wanted to live without you because you made my world a happier place the last 18 months. God is slowly remolding me. :) I have been wanting to write on my blog for days but I just couldn't. I would just sit here and listen to my playlist looking at the collage you made of pictures of you and Alex. I couldn't help noticing as you grew older you became more handsome. Tonight, I went and saw a movie by myself. Yesterday was fun with Janet and Katie seeing disney's UP. Tonight's movie helped me come to terms in a way. The last five minutes were great. I know death is not meant to be understood and I don't know why I try to understand. I know I was put here on earth by God to help and love you through your life. I know you saw that your illness was taking a toll not only on you but me but I HAD A LOT MORE FIGHT LEFT IN ME. I know you just wanted to quit fighting because you loved me so much you didn't want to see me in pain. Some times you just know that everything will be okay. I just wish I could've been there with you so you didn't have to be alone dying. I know I pushed or should say helped you to stay alive several months longer but I knew and so did you that I couldn't forever. I know there will be happy times ahead for Alex and I but it won't be the same without you. In 6 days it will be 5 months of living an un-normal family life. It hasn't seem to be getting any better. The guy that comes in to work and flirts with me that we would talk about still does and has even gotten worse. Some of the things he says now reminds me of you. Like yesterday, he came in and I didn't see Phil jester to hide so I tried to sneak out the back door to go on break and he ended up seeing me and I just proceeded to walk to go clock out. Lannette (my friend) saw him following me so she helped me get out of the store without him following. However, I came back too soon from lunch and he saw me as he was leaving and said all I want to do is to talk to you and touch your freckles. I cried because there was times you wanted to touch my face but I hated people touching my face. I loved you so much this past year I let you even though it bothered me. You knew that and even would say thank you. I know freckles and face aren't the same but my face is full of freckles so they basically are. I am not going to lie to you but it also made me feel like you were there with me and felt loved. You have nothing to worry about because I do not like him in that way. Then tonight after the movie I went and used a free movie coupon that Alex got for her grades since they expire at end of June, and they were playing the song from Arrowsmith I Don't want to miss a thing. I know watching Armageddon together that we loved that song. Help me not to miss a thing in life especially with Alex. I love you so much. I can't take my eyes off you. So thank you for truly loving me because we both know what I have done to myself and to you. Each day is a hard day to be without you but I am somehow managing it with the help of God. Sweetie, you are forgiven, isn't it great. Please keep looking down at Alex and smile because she is my uplifter, which you knew that. Help me to give her the love she needs on her birthday. She enjoyed being with you on her special day. I love you, more than any other day because I now know what I had. Thank you for being a family man even when you had your addiction. Thank you for being a friend. Your Hunnybunny.