My Cry

Dear God,
I am so irritable today and I don't know why. I have been doing my devotions and spending time with you. From the start of the day I have been this way and for no reason. Work went well and I was fine there. I got in trouble tonight after dinner for doing the dishes. I didn't like that Sue said to Alex that your mom is not listening to her elder and she knows where Alex gets it from now. I am sorry but there is a difference in not listening to elders and being courteous and polite. Please God, I pray that you will have Sue change. I dislike it that she goes through others to get control and to get her way. Tonight, we weren't even out of their driveway when Alex asked who is picking her up on Tuesdays when school starts. I said probably Aunt Jen why. Alex said I want Sue to pick me up. (shocked me because before she said Jen) I asked did Sue put you up to this. She smiled and said no but she is hurt by it mom and Sue reminded me of all the fun things we can do like go to build a bear and things like that. I find this funny because I haven't said anything and I have been praying for a clear answer from God to know who should watch her. I was actually debating on every other for them. It is not fair to Jennifer if I see if a school parent can watch Alex on Tuesdays. What should I do? If I do every other one then why even change the locks? Sue has called my counselor numerous times. God, I can not do this drama. I am even thinking I should've not had Chris get back involved with his family. The reason why we had contact with Sue is because I invited her to gatherings and became friends with her and Chris would even ask why are we inviting them. It's not fair to Alex to have her totally out of our life. God, you did make me laugh inside tonight. Sue asked Alex to pray for dinner tonight and Alex prayed a personal prayer to God instead of the Catholic dinner prayer. I laughed inside because at home she will do the dinner prayer and then for this to happen there. Why is it so difficult to deal with the others family when the other is not here? Why am I drawn to drama, first Stacy/Chris/me and Sue/Chris/me and now Sue/me? Chris admitted to the drama b/n Stacy and us and Sue and us. I forgave him for that but why now? God I am crying out to you to help. Why are you not helping me in this? Chris why did you have to leave me with this? I am so close to being where I was 10 years ago, and I don't want to mess it up now. I so much want to eat and I can't or I will mess it up. I so much want a cigarette so I don't eat but why mess up what I have been doing well on not doing. I am not strong enough to do this. I am not strong enough to raise Alex to love her family no matter what. See Chris, I am just aching right now doing life without you. See, I am not over you either. So why did you think it would be better for me without you and that I would be over you in no time and that I can teach Alex the best in people. I CAN'T!!!!!!! Why God does people go through others to get them to say or do what they want instead of waiting on your will. Show me your comfort and joy and peace. Show me that you are here. Show me your will clearly. I have to go now, God because we need to pack. I pray and plea with you to reveal your true self to Alex this week. I pray you will be with her and keep her strong in your ways Lord. Amen