I am ready to end everything in my life and shelter Alex and I from everyone. I am tired of drama with Chris' side and tired of being lied to and questioning and feeling confused and hurt. I am tired of getting hurt. I have caught someone in lies over and over over stupid things. Now I am not sure who is the one lying, her friend or her. I see the stuff her friend said to me happening here at my house even. I also see the attitude and things that have been done that justifies the friends words. Do I cut this only family that we have left of Chris' out? Do I change my locks? Do I pretend nothing is wrong and go on and only see them occassionally? All I know is that this wouldn't happen if Chris was here. Take that back it did. We talked about over and over and chose not to say anything so these people don't feel rejected. It was nice last week, even though I was sick I was not stressed out I didn't feel judged or lied to and I didn't even dred being here talking to whoever was here. Should I not have them so my life will be peaceful and relaxing more or since they are family pray and let it go? Does God want the family torn apart like this or is someone wanting this? I had to help Chris with his mental illness and ups and downs and depressing times, do I stay and help with their mentality? I don't need this. I want a happy trusting extended family. If I change the locks will they try to break in to get things that are handed down to Alex? Only their daughter will talk to them does that say something? I want Alex to grow up loving and praising the Lord not blaming or resenting family. Chris and I always took her out of these situations and now we are living these situations. I am so upset right now at him. It is even in his goodbye note that he couldn't stand how they treated him the last month of his life. I don't even want this on my plate right now because I am still sick and dealing with everything else I have to.
Today is 4 months without my friend/companion. Each day is NOT getting easier. It is getting worse. I need him here for the support and love I need. He would know what to do and say. I am glad he is no longer in pain but why do I need to go through this while dealing with the aftermath of his affairs and trying to provide for my family? Thank you for your prayers on the unspoken that has been answered and it has been 12 days. Please keep praying for me and Alex as the Lord puts us on your hearts. I love all of you. As for me and my house I want to serve the Lord
Friday, June 5, 2009
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I really don't want to sound trite, but the first thing that popped into my mind as I read your post was this, "Never doubt in the darkness what God has shown you in the light."
ReplyDeleteI am praying for you! I can't imagine life with out Don's direction!
Lately it has been REALLY neat to see the ways God has provided specific direction and provision as we wait on Him.
I would encourage you first and foremost, wait for His direction. It will come. It may be agonizing, but it will be worth it! I don't care if you have the lesson done, get into those DVDs!! I am sure the messages will calm, comfort and equip you.
I love you and I can't wait to be arms to hold you up.
Perhaps it would be good to ask your counselor or pastor if they think it would be helpful to have a confrontation with those who are hurting you. I am not sure that confrontation is the right word. I am thinking of what they do with alcoholics. You do not need "another project" with Chris' family. You are not responsible for the actions or reactions. You are responsible for Louann and Alex. Period. I am praying for you.
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