Good Evening, I pray that everyone will have a blessed Christmas tomorrow. I am going through a lot right now, with the estate still open and still dealing with his side drama and disrespect. I am also dealing with some other issues that are facing tough decisions as well. So therefore, I am taking a step back in my life and just be. I don't think this drama and things I am dealing with right now are fair to Phil so I am going to just be friends for now and then when things get wrapped up I will see where we are then. I don't want to hurt him, he and his mom have been great support but I don't want to hurt him worse by not being totally with him like I should in a relationship. So I am gonna risk hurting him a little now than a lot later. I am hurting through this too because I care a lot for him.

I got here to Indiana safely and found out mom found out Monday that I was gonna be here Christmas eve when she stopped in to Carlos OKellys restraunt. I am great friends with the store mgr and some staff there and wanted to see them so I called to get hours and told them I would be there. Oh well, Alex is getting to see her more. I am house sitting tonight for my friend Janet since I was gonna surprise my parents and they were gonna be gone. We have been great friends through thick and thin with eachother since I was in 7th grade. She is 15 yrs older. I love her family they are family to me.

Thanksgiving was better than today and tomorrow. I didn't miss Chris so much on Thanksgiving. I think it was because I am usually so busy hosting and preparing and cleaning up from hosting close to 20 or so. And Christmas Chris and I usually worked to get Memorial Day off and Thanksgiving off. Plus Chris would do all the shopping for Christmas gifts and wrap them and I would find out what he got people the day they unwrapped them. I do not like to shop. Tonight as I sit in this quiet house and think, I think of the loving intense moment we had last year at Jennifers where we are starring into one anothers eyes and just see the love we have after so many days and holidays that were not so good in prior years. And also remembering him saying in the hospital he was gonna do this around Christmas but didn't want to upset a joyous time. I didn't miss him hardly the last few months but have and will always love him. I am so glad he is up celebrating with our Savior this year so he will know he was truly loved by God and his daughter and wife. God is my all and all and that is all I need this Christmas. Thank you God for being my all and loving me and accepting me when I fail you. I love you and I thank you for giving me Chris to love and to teach me things others tried to get me to do or understand. Thank you for my daughter, she is so beautiful and smart and loving and I love her so much. I love that you gave me such a great cirlce of friends to help eachother through the storms and joys. Thank you for sending your son so we may live forever with you. :)

Merry Christmas, God, both grandmas, Don Strack, Gordon, Chris,Aunt Grace Pat, and all the other loved ones who went before us. What I would do to hear all of you singing praises to God especially around this time of year. I love you all and miss each one of you.

You know, Chris is a Colts fan way back when they were Baltimore Colts. I would tape and watch the games with him just to spend time together even though I am not one to be much of a sports fan. Alex is a Bears fan. They would bantar about whose team is the best. Well, since his passing I find myself this fall looking online for the score or even times watching it live on nfl.com. Well, the Colts are undeafeated still and the Bears are another thing. So here is a song for the Colts since it is Christmas in 6 days.
Oh, the weather outside is frightful ... but the Colts are so delightful ... All the others already know … 13 and 0, 13 and 0, 13 and 0… Oh, they don't show signs of stopping ... and the fans are really hopping ... getting ready for the really big show .... Superbowl … Superbowl ... Superbowl! ♪♪ ♫ ♪ KEEP IT GOING!!

Today in the mail I received a letter from Lutheran pastor that is fairly new to the church there. In this letter was another page which had this...

Spending Christmas with Jesus this Year
I see the countless Christmas trees around the world below, with tiny lights like heaven's stars reflecting in the snow.
The sight is so spectacular please wipe away that tear for I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.
I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear but earthly music can't compare with the Christmas choir up here.
I have no words to tell you the joy their voices bring for it's beyond description to hear the angels sing.
I know how much you miss me, trust God and have no fear for I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.
I can't tell you of the splendor or the peace here in this place. Can you imagine Christmas with our Savior, face to face?
May God uplift your spirit as I tell Him of your love then pray for one another as you lift your eyes above.
So let your hearts be joyful and let your spirits sing for I am spending Christmas in Heaven and I am walking with the King.

I have tears of joy because it is so true that he is with our Savior. I will always miss him and love him. I am grateful that God has also blessed me this year through all that I have endured. I am thankful to Chris for instilling the lessons he was taught in me. I hope I can pass these lessons on to others as well including our lovely daughter.

I just want to wish everyone a blessed Christmas season. I am so grateful to God for what He has done in our lives this year and has helped us through. I am thankful that Alex and I are closer than we were in February. She is such a blessing. The following video reminds me of this year. Each time I listen to this different phrases or messages come across louder than others and sometimes even confusing or hard to understand. This year has been one of those years but praising God that He tunes His ears to each of our frequency and understanding.

When it gets hard and you are warn down look at everything you have gone through and see how God has helped ♥ ..."Because, sometimes, you have to step outside of the person you've been. And remember the person you were meant to be. The person you wanted to be. The person you are."♥

God is GREAT!!! I love that He never leaves us. Alex had a half day today due to snowy weather. Since I gave up facebook and started going to bed when Alex does, even though I just lay there, satan has attacked me not only spiritually but mentally and through conversations with others that creates tension. I am praying that each one of these resolves healthy. I am glad to report that not only have I healed a lot out here that I am doing much better with my relationship with Alex and myself. I still have things to work on but I have come a long way in the areas. Praising God for His love and compassion. Psalm 33:5 The earth is filled with His tender love. I am leaning and trusting on His tender love and praying that He reveals to me how to handle communication and relationship that the enemy is putting a wedge in. I pray that my feet will get better soon and I can return full time soon. In the meantime I am praising God for having me take a step back and realize there is more to life than work, to a sense. I do have to be responsible and provide for Alex and I. He has revealed to me that it is not amount of time with her it is the quality of time with her. Thank you Father for your reveals in life and loving us unconditionally. I pray that I am and will show your love unconditionally.

Good Evening, I woke up this morning and the pain was not that bad but the swelling is still there. I went to chiropractor with Sarah,she picked me up to go. I found out I have an extra vertabrae which is the cause of my spine to curve at bottom. I have bone spurs on both my feet which he couldn't believe I haven't felt them. I need to get arch supports now for my feet. He said he will treat the spurs once my feet heal from this injury. He thinks what happened is that when I stepped down the bone that runs long ways in foot collapsed causing bone tissue to be pushed b/n and causing swelling and pain. The chiropractor got results of my x-rays from Friday and it is just badly sprained (which is worse than fracture in some cases)but I am praising God for it to be only sprained than to be broken. I am going home tomorrow for Thanksgiving for my sake. If it was for anyone else I would stay here. I am wanting to just waste away in my bed. It is hitting me worse than what I thought it would of not hosting 20 some people and cooking and entertaining them. It is also hitting me of being angry with Chris for leaving even though I understand and God has given me peace about the whole issue. I need to surround myself with family and friends and so I am leaving Tues to rest my feet Wed and then rest my feet Friday and then leave Saturday evening to rest all day Sunday and hopefully get release to go to work on Monday. I wish my parents could make this long trip but I knew this when I moved out here that they wouldn't be able to. I love each and every one of you and pray God will bless you this Thanksgiving. I am thankful to God for His many second chances and what He has done in Alex's and my lives and what He is going to be doing as well. I am thankful for family and friends which helped me get through these difficult months and days. I am thankful for the church families they both minister to me in unique ways. I love you all and thank you so much for being by my side. Happy Thanksgiving.

Ok what a week this has been. I went home this past weekend and injured both my ankles really bad. Spent half of Saturday at a Redimed and rest of Saturday fighting friends and family to keep me from moving. I am not a sit still person. I need to be up and doing. Drove home against doctors orders he wanted me to stay an extra day or two but understood why I needed to drive. Went to work Monday and Tues. and the pain got worse. Now I am frustrated because even though the note said one week off or limit hours I need a release so now more money out. I want to be at work and I am having a hard time not being stubborn or prideful about this taking off work. I am sick and tired of this year. I am trying to praise God right now but it is too frustrating for me and the sad part is I did this to myself. I chose to get up on the landscaping and then step down and drive and walk on it. I however didn't ask to be widowed, depressed,sickness in May, move out of my home,sickness last week. I did however ask for a godly man in my life since Chris wasn't healed, guess I didn't need to see a miracle of God because I already believed in His miracles and love. God has provided a relationship for me that is focused on God first. It feels great to feel free in God and to know who I am in Him and for myself and to actually get to know a person before emotions got involved. I am still happy reguarding Chris' side of family situation. I am no longer allowing them to put me in a pit and keep me there. I am standing on a Firm Rock. I appreciate the prayers for Alex and I. They do help. I am praying and hoping that God will heal me these next two days. I need a miracle for myself right now. I am the sole provider and I need to work. I am out of sick days after Friday. I am closer to God than I have been. In Bible study last night towards the end Beth Moore said have you ever felt like you put yourself in this situation and then you convince yourself you have to endur the consequences because you did it to yourself? That is me in this one. But then she went on saying, God is a God of healing, there is nothing NOTHING let me say it again NOTHING He can not change the outcome to. Praise the Lord.

Today I stayed home from work without a voice. I am getting better though. Thank you God for your healing touch. I pray your healing touch on my sister now. I was able to talk to one of my aunts tonight to get an update from her. I thank you for her success as well and that she is able to help a cousin now that needs her help. I pray a healing hand on cousin Pat Lord, you know her condition and I pray that you will ease the pain. I pray for Don and Sarah Lord this weekend as they minister to those at the Weekend to Remember seminar and for the baby Gray situation. I Praise Your Awesome Powerful Name. I thank you for helping me get out of the pits I was in and I thank you for keeping me out. I am loving you more each day. I thank you for this new relationship Lord and pray that your will be done and your love and guidance will be over it. Thank you for Alex as today she said she is here for me whatever I need she is there. She is so precious and I thank you for giving her me to be ministered to by and to be loved by and vice versa. Lord, you are the Light onto my path.

Wow, I don't know where to begin. It has been a great couple of weeks. God has enlightened me so much. I am starting to love and accept myself as God does. I am getting to know my friends better through facebook. I am enjoying the time with my daughter. We enjoy our rides back home to see family and friends. Do you ever want to be split in two so you can be two places at the same time, well, that is how Alex and I feel. We love it in Indiana and like it here in Iowa as well. I do not like to read but the book by Beth Moore getting out of the pit jumped out at me at Walmart and tonight as I was sick with hardly a voice I read 4 chapters. It is an eye-opener. Well, I am gonna go to bed now. It seems like I have been doing that lately (today). I feel like I am letting the team down but as a wise person said to me tonight, you will be letting the team down if you spread the sickness to them or don't take care of yourself and you are out more than these two days. Pray with me for God's direction as I am waiting at a stand still right now. I am happy and free!!!!

God is an amazing all-powerful God. I am praising Him all the day long. I am praying for His wisdom and understanding in the next step of my journey for this year. I am loving life again and I am working on myself. One area is working on my self esteem and seeing myself how God sees me. I am satisfied in Him and have come to realize He is my All and All. It is a great feeling to know who I am in Him and who I am in me. I haven't allowed anyone define who I am like I used to. I know what I like and want. I am loving Alex as she is getting older and loving me more each day. She is my little angel. I am praying that God will keep me in His arms as I still seek after Him. I pray for a relationship if it is His will. I pray that God will stay ahead of Alex and I. Well, it is almost 2am here so I am gonna get off here. I praise God for you and all the storms and blessings He has given me. This Friday will be 9 months and I am not feeling like I have been so I think it will be a good day. Love to all of you. Keep God first.

Praing the Lord

This weekend was a great weekend. I got to see friends and family. I felt bad because I avoided family mostly so I didn't get sick. I wish there was more time in the weekend as well. Alex enjoyed the pumpkin patch with grandma and Aunt Jen and one of her friends. I ended up picking up my nephew. I beat my friends in both games of bowling. The Sunday service was excellent. It is amazing though that both churches are doing Acts. First Assembly is doing it in morning service and here in Iowa we are on Chapter 9 and it is at night services. Alex and I had a great trip singing praises to God and I was thinking of what to right on wall of facebook and it was gonna be Christ my Solid Rock I stand! However, I am still praising God but I almost hit a deer and God spared that and the lives of Alex and I and everything else that happened. It took 2 car washes to get cleaned from mud and grass but the important thing is that I have Alex still. Still shaken up a little. It was my first deer I have seen while driving. Had to get home so I took 10 minutes to calm down a little and drove with sick stomach feeling and shaking a little still. Made it home though. It is funny because last night we were talking deer and then prior to this incident we called mom and told her about a semi in median and here I am hour from home and a deer comes and I am in median and east bound lane when I should be in westbound.

I am praying for God's direction still. I am glad and thankful for what He has done for me. I am grateful for the healing He has done in my life. I know I don't want to buy a house yet because I don't know what next. I also am scared I will be depressed from emptiness of house and no one to share it with. Plus the estate is still open from this other one. I am not wanting to lose focus on God. I am praying for a godly man that will accept me and Alex for who we are. I want the Lord to be first in all of the lives and I want to know the person before marrying as well. I am singing praises to God who is my ALL in ALL.

It is finally here. The day of my first trip back home to visit. I am leaving tomorrow night and will drive all night. I am praying we won't get sick from those who are sick right now. I am excited to be coming to see friends and family. However, I am not seeing one side because I am not ready to. Alex and I went for a drive tonight and we had a nice talk. I asked her if she was excited to be going home and she said kinda. I told her that I am excited but I am liking it here. She said yes mom me too. :) She loved the ride! Work is going well and the hype about the N1H1 is helping us stay busy. Seems like everyone is running to doctor even for a cough. I am praying for a hard decision that I am going to have to make tomorrow. I have researched and read up on things and I think I am ready to stand ground. God will let me know what to do. I just turned my calendar to Oct. 23rd and it says Therefore I tell you whatever you ask in prayer believe that you have received it and it will be yours. Thank you God for this word. I have seen you fulfill this over and over.

My neighbor was on facebook tonight and we talked. She said still no sign of the bank people and the bushes in front of house are beautiful especially the red one. Maybe I should take my house key and spend night there Sat. so we don't get sick.

I hit my first animal tonight. It was 2 huge raccoons. They stopped in middle of my lane and there was an oncoming car so I couldn't swerve. I breaked but not enough space to. I felt bad but then told Alex the farmers will be happy.

Alex and I had a good time tonight. Thank you God.

I Am Listening God!!!

Ok, all day today God has been speaking to me. This morning in church it was the message I give to Alex all the time. Which is worry about yourself. I need to stop praying for others to change and pray for change in my life. Which God has been doing. I have been benefiting from the changes He has made because I am living in His fullness and happiness. Then I get home and I read a note on facebook from a friend and she leaves this..."Have you ever found your life to be over-complicated? Ever been in those times when it seems everything piles on you at the same time? I've been there recently.

It seems when you have thing to do, places to be, plus on top of that things don't go really the way you want them to, you get stuck in feeling less then, bottom of the totum poll, and insecure in almost everyway. Don't forget that you have your own issues, plus the issues of others to process through. This is where I've been. Needing to process through the muck of my life and feeling as though there is no one whom I trust to process it with. I search around, go down my list of "trusted" people, and still find no one to whom I want to bear my soul...but of course bearing my soul would take hours and/or probably days!

What God has shown me through my struggle to deal is that all my fountains are in him! Everything I need I can find in him. This isn't to say I don't need or want a human element in my life, but if I look around and no one is there he is faithful always! I find things get beyond what I can bear, that I can take it to him and the load gets lesser. Problem is I feel like we always want a quick fix, a one time only prayer and everything is better. But I think God doesn't do that in order to establish a pattern. The pattern he wants to establish is that we always run to him...things get tough we are running to him.

I have to confess...I don't always involve God in my issues recently more than asking him what the heck is going on?! But I find when I take more time to be with him and involve him that I can deal better.

So thanx Daddy God for being consistantly around for me...I'm sorry I overlook you and your ability at times..help me to do better at involving you."

It is so true of me, I go to humans before God and then I don't tell all because do I really want them to know or do I want to burden them or do I trust them fully. I was looking for a quick fix a couple months ago and I didn't get it so now I am here and have healed alot and grown alot. I raked leaves today for 2 and 1/2 hours just me and my God talking, reminiscing on all He has done to change me and mold me and thanking and praising Him for all He has done. Even some prayers for others needs (not to change them though) I thank God for bringing me a long way thus far. I am waiting for the next direction.

Then in service tonight God spoke to me about what happened Friday night. I was boasting about how much I can handle and I did wrong for me because I was searching for the sinificance of friendship. It was not me being me or what I believe in. It was me wanting to be liked and fit in. So I am sorry for being a fake this past Friday night. I apologize to those who I boasted to about it as well. God is working, Amen!

Todays verse is Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might. Ecclesiastes 9:10

This week has been great. No stress or worries this past week. Had a birthday party Friday night which was fun at time. I passed up ten hours overtime to spend day with Alex. House has been freezing for 3 days and couldn't figure it out so I finally told landlord when it was 45 degrees and 8:30 at night on a weekend. Ooops. It took 3 hours for guy to figure out what is wrong and fix it. It was the control panel. It is 1:10am and heat is coming out again. Yeah!! I can't wait to go home and visit. Missing people there. So many people I want to see and so little time.

Psalm 139:23 Search me O God and know my heart, try me and know my thoughts.

This past week, has been great. I have spoiled my co-workers with sweets this week to celebrate a birthday. This week, I have had peace and happiness reguarding family issues. I praise God for a daughter who not only serves Him but also takes great care of me. This week I have been praying for a godly man. There have been times though I don't feel that because I still miss Chris and no one is gonna want me to cry to them about him. So I am praying in God's timing He will bring me the man He wants. I am debating if I am going to go to the party Friday night or not. I want to but don't trust myself either. I am content here and I am enjoying life and God has and is continuing to bless us. Just because Iowa has a law about front plates on cars as well I have had to buy for each car a plate bracket which was an arm and leg but place is going to install them for the price of one. Today I wore my rings on right hand and it didn't bother me like normal. Usually it lasts for about 10 minutes. Is this a sign that I am ready to move on? God had marriage fun and loving the last two years and I enjoyed it and wanting that again. This time though it is God not LouAnn's choosing of time and person.:)I love facebook. I get to chat with friends and family online. It is 1am and so I better turn in. I have to get up in 6 hours.

Todays verse is Ecclesiastes 9:10 Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might. (Our grand business is not to see what lies dimly at a distance, but to do what lies clearly at hand)

Today I had 6 kids most of day. After eating lunch at Sarah's mom's house we went bowling and bowled three games. I won 2 out of 3 and Sarah's brother Aaron won 1. We had fun though. I then took the kids later out to dinner. I am still sane. :) I am still happy today. It is so great of feeling. I wish I could've left it totally on the alter before.

Jesse was cute tonight. On way to dinner he said from back of suburban Cousin LouAnn you need to get remarried. I replied then you need to help me find a great christian man.
Alex said I thought you weren't gonna get married again but that would be cool, I could have a dad again but I will still love my dad too. Well, I didn't tell her this but I thought I will still love him too.

After bowling we stopped into my work and one of my co-workers couldn't believe 5 of them were all in same family. The kids were very well behaved. My store mgr was walking to his car for lunch and he asked how many kids are getting out they just keep coming. :)

Todays verse is Colossians 3:2 Set your affection on things above not on things of this earth.

This is the last time today I will be on I hope to be on tomorrow night to write but no promises.It has been so nice having peace and happiness. Today marks 2 days and it is great, hope to keep it up.

Today I caught up on the bible study lesson I missed on Tuesday and Alex got sweets from elderly neighbor lady for raking her leaves (which I didn't tell her to) I had my first cup of hot chocolate this fall.

Praying for Wendi and Dave and Kaleb as they are going through labor contractions and illness and tiredness.

Gonna go take nap I have a headache.

Todays verse is Philippians 4:8 (sorry mom) Finally beloved whatever is true whatever is honorable, whatever is just whatever is pure whatever is pleasing think about such things. (It is only by thinking about great and good things that we come to love them)

This is the day the Lord has made and I will rejoice and be glad in it. Alex has helped me believe that today. On my bed this afternoon I found a card she made On front it says A precious gift of moments with a picture of precious moments glued in middle. Inside it says The joy you brought to my heart I will give you but you can share it with me.

I fell asleep at 4am and then the girls got up and ate while I slept til 10. We did errands and I just made steak burritos to take over to Don and Homer. I got up and after shower text since no answer to cousins saying I quit playing their game. Took deep breath and have been enjoying the day. The girls and I ate at Carlos O'Kellys today and the mgr would only allow me to use 1 coupon unlike back home. It is ok though. Ordered the items I need for front plates from Ford today. They will be in Tuesday. Then I have to set up appt for them to install. As I was leaving I saw a vehicle I like for 17000, maybe I should save for that first since I am content here. It would probably get better milage and gas. I would save the white lincoln for a back up and trade the blue in.

Marlene and Alex asked if I could hook up Nintendo but wasn't sure if it would work since we had problems with it when Chris was alive. It is hooked up and it works. :) It has been an overall good day.

Alex and I talked to dad today and found out Anthony has had more issues. Please be praying for him and my parents as they are trying to provide for him and keep loving him unconditionally as he acts out on anger from past hurts and abuse. Still don't know what is happening for Thanksgiving Sarah offered there house to my family while hers is at a church. I want to see them but not sure I want to go all out and have turkey, dressing, etc. I know I will be home for sure Dec 30-Jan 3rd. I have to work day after Thanksgiving or I would travel there for the 4 day weekend.

We took dinner to McCallum house and everyone there was just slowly eating which was unusual. Don got up and got cottage cheese and then I remembered they don't like spicy. I had put on red enchilada sauce over the burritos. They ate it without complaints and made me feel good about cooking for them. I know it was hard but thank you for being kind and considerate.

Today was great; I didn't know that choosing to be happy was so easy and relaxing. The kids and Don and their neighbors had smores on a bonfire tonight. I chose to stay in where it was warm. We miss you Sarah. Have a safe trip back.

Todays verse: Rev. 3:20 Here I am I stand at the door and knock. If you hear my voice and open the door I will come in. (Fling the door of your heart wide open and let God in. If you learn to do that everything you touch all day long will be stamped with the presence of God.)

I am so angry right now. I got my mail tonight about 10:30pm and there was the package I have been expecting for about two weeks now. Inside was a very old house key from before July and pictures and a very disturbing letter. She knew the key was no good and more accusations. Can you believe she said I have been mean and have disowned them since Chris died and that they are hurt by me and my family and don't know who or what to believe. I better take care of myself for Alex's sake. etc. I called a friend I shouldn't have but he said some great things. He said I should believe my family because these other people have issues and want me to respond because it intices them. It is their game. He told me to quit the game. He also told me I need to call my parents more than once a month. Which I try to. My dad actually said to me last weekend I sound happier but misses me. I am happier until I let these other people interfere. I just keep praying and hoping people change. I am starting to feel like I shouldn't have made Chris get his family involved with us. He didn't have anything to do with them until Alex turned 1 and some age 2. Why? I hate this because everytime this happens I struggle with God and angry at Chris and the fact God didn't make him stronger to fight through this. What I really want for Christmas and even for Thanksgiving is for family to be loving and respectful. I want trust and truth. This really hurts. My worst fear is when Alex gets older and goes and sees these people I will be the one blamed for keeping her away. I can't tell her what is going on because she is just 9. She hasn't even asked about them or said anything about missing them. I love these people because they are apart of Chris and they even helped while Chris was hospitalized. This friend of mine asked why do you worry about what others say or think? I don't have that answer but I do know that it is because I am a people pleaser and obsessed with peace and likeness for me. I keep saying I quit the game but jump right back into it. WHY?

I couldn't believe this but I asked one of my friends who is a co-worker as well if she knows any good guys that might go out. Some of me wasn't serious but more than half was. She didn't and that is okay.

As I was tucking the girls into bed, I picked up Alex's Bible off the floor and on the back she had written a prayer. A prayer:I am glad God loves me and hope my dad is safe which I know he is but please let me know and I love you amen. I have tears now. Her prayer was mine for awhile but God has shown me his salvation is forever through songs and scripture so I would have that peace. I thank God for making a safe trip for Sarah and giving her good bonding time. I pray that you will bless her this weekend as well. We are sending our love in thoughts. I pray that I didn't do anything to cause Delphia to want to stay home tonight. I really want to be a peaceful mom even when they do wrong.

I am so proud of Alex. We got report card today. No C's. 2 A's and rest B's. The comments were Effort was very good Behavior is that she sets a good example and Work Habits that she works independantly.(which she has been since age 2 always had to open her door by herself no matter where we went)Teacher wrote:Alex is a pleasure to have in class. She has made the transition well. She fits in well with her classmates. She is always kind and considerate of others. Her average overall is 88.2 which is a B. :)

It's midnight and of course I am tired but can't sleep. I was up til 2am last night then woke up every hour. Took girls to school(no bus since I didn't know if Sarah would want that plus got me out of bed) and then I closed tonight. Picked up Marlene and Alex because that is who wanted to stay over. We will probably go to ford dealer to see about getting a front plate put on. Kinda wanted to ask Don if I could take kids to Indiana since no school on Monday but I didn't think I could do that with the kids. I am used to one not 4-6 kids. So we will find things here to occupy our time. Good night it is 1:45am and the girls will probably get up in 5 hours. Hope I can fall asleep.

Good Evening, I don't know where to begin. God has surely blessed me this week. I was able to pick up overtime on Tuesday and could've Wed and today but I have the McCallum children while Sarah is away. Pray for you travel and time there and that she will be able to be an encouragement to those family members. Got a card in the mail that was encouraging today and it reads "One who loves deeply will weep deeply. The tears we shed are tears of loneliness that say, I love you and I miss you." "May you feel the comfort of God's arms around you and be strengthened by the love and prayers of family and friends." So thank you so much for those words.

Wednesday at church I had my feelings hurt but instead of holding it in and dwelling on it God gave me the strength to go to that person and talk it out. It was not meant to hurt and I figured that but that just shows how much growth I have had that I was able to go to this person and get it settled then and there. Love God and He is worthy of all my praises (a book that is never ending)

About a month ago the Indiana electric company over took from my Fort Wayne account which I paid the bill with 2 checks. I wrote one to make the Fort Wayne bank to zero and then wrote another to pay rest of bill from this account here. They electronically submitted it so I can't see check image but I called because I got an over draft charge. I had to fax the statement that shows it was their check that made it over in order to investigate. I just recieved 2 checks in mail from them, one for $34 for overdraft and the other for amount of the bill that I just paid that caused this. No letter with it so I think they are making up for their mistake. I almost didn't call because it is only 34 dollars but that is almost a tank of gas.

I made some ladies smile and laugh today to start their day off right. I went this morning to get my license and plates and try to make it to work by 10:15am and the branch I had to go to didn't open til 9am and it was about 20 minutes from where I live. I got it done and they were amazed how organized I was and had more than what I needed except for title transfer they needed original and not copies of death certificate and executor of estate so they said to mail them to them and they will send back so I will do that. But what made them laugh was on my way out I said I am finally official and I am a Hawkeye now whoo whoo!!! One lady said Indiana sure loves long numbers. (license and titles she said) Went to work and showed everyone my license and even on my first fifteen minute break went and put the plate on. I say plate because my blue towncar has no front place for front one. Here in Iowa it is law to have front and back plates. So I have to see what I can do to get the other on. I don't know about white car because it is in garage and I didn't get home til after 9pm and the girls had to get to bed for school.

Don was working in yard tonight when I got there at 7:15 and so I went in and fixed mac/cheese for the kids and I and Don ran into town for something he needed to get for tomorrow so that is why so late. He is making progress but still a lot of work and no time left. Don will have the kids tomorrow while I am at work. Then at 9:45pm I will pick up Marlene and Alex. All the other kids are taken care of til Monday.

So there you have it. I am doing very well and so is Alex. I am amazed. I put in a request for Dec. 30th through Jan 3rd off but don't know if I will get it or not. The 31st of Dec is my Anniversary (7th) This past August was 10 years Chris and I were together. So I feel like I need it off to just be by myself and talk to Chris and God. Alex can visit family and maybe we can celebrate Christmas then.

1 Peter 5:7 Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. (if only we could learn to leave them there)

Wow, what a day! I had a hard time getting out of bed. I woke up with my alarm and Alex took shower and it took all I had to get out of bed which ended up being the time Sunday School started. We managed to get there when class actually started after singing. On way out the door my daughter said to me you look sick. Boy I wanted to go back to bed after that. We spent the afternoon watching movies or sleeping. Alex made ramen noodles for dinner. I made out a chore list for her. I am starting to be a parent again. She asked what do I get if I do this? I said you aren't doing this for reward, it is because you are apart of this family and having responsibility is a good thing. The reward is honoring God because you are obeying my request.

Alex asked Pastor Epley about Baptism today. I still don't think she understands it. She believes it is apart of salvation and it is not. Only God can save you nothing else does. So be praying that God will show me how to explain it or have her understand it. She has been wanting to get baptized for sometime now and I even went round in circles with the school pastor about it for 3 years now.

I so far have had 2 responses on the letter I sent out a week ago. Bart called with tears of missing us and mom wasn't sure what I needed so I clarified. Sue and Nelson won't answer their phones so I think they took it wrong as normal. Jennifer has been gone on vacation so she doesn't know about it. Sonny and Cathy and Ken haven't responded. So I have no idea what they think but they don't call or I don't call them much anyways.

Got a text today asking how far away from Quad City or Davenport are you. I said quite a ways so then he asked how far from Parkersburg or Grundy Center because I am looking at a map. I guess him and a buddy are riding bikes to Davenport and want to stop and say hi. I really hope they don't come. I thought Sue and Nelson would come find me not this person.

God, I surrender all to you. You have this journey and chapter of my life all planned. I am trusting in You and only You. I thank you for your love and support. I thank you for Your faithfulness and peace You have given Alex and I. Help me to get out of that Babylonian lifestyle again. I didn't realize of living in that lifestyle for 11 years how much it affected our relationship. I crave for that closeness again. I hunger for Your affection and words of love and guidance and comfort. I thank You for standing by me waiting for me to catch up again. Help me to keep my eyes focused on You (the finsh line).

Yesterday marked 8 months if you go by day of week but numberwise it is the 6th. I want to thank you for the encouragement today. Today's scripture is perfect for today. Psalm 34:18 The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. (We see and experience the glory of God when we are feeling high emotionally but we live it out in the valleys mostly thinking we are not good enough)

What I don't understand is this concept. The concept of Jesus is a man right? and I define myself by man. So why can't I define myself in Jesus? I think this is why I am having problems coping with Chris being gone. I have always had a man define who and what I do. I am not a loner, I need someone. But this was one of my prayers for several years that I would find who I am in Christ and who I am period.

I'm gonna tie these sunchips up and hopefully get some sleep. It is 11:45pm.

Today is not a good day as far as emotions. Yesterday marked 8 months, but I didn't show it yesterday. I made it special for Delphia. I got up this morning after falling asleep after 4am. I got myself around and out of the house to go help Don in his yard again but I only could do it for an hour. I am soooooo sorry Don, I can't stand others seeing me crying and plus I kept seeing men and thinking other thoughts. I was crying most of time and then when it became worse to be noticible I left. As soon as I got in car the song I will rise played, which made even more tears.
I have been thinking since probably 10 minutes after getting to Don's house when one of the kids said "if there was such a thing as a magic wand I would wish for the yard and house to be done and to be rich." I said I wouldn't want to be rich and he said "why you could buy a house" I said "because when you are rich it tends to turn your mind to worldly things instead of to God. I have a beautiful house in heaven." This made me miss my beautiful big house in Fort Wayne and my babylonian life I had there. I want it but don't.

So, now Alex is watching a movie and I am going to get off here and go to bed again.Mom just called and talked to Alex don't know if she wanted to talk to me or not. Alex doesn't understand why I am crying. I am so thankful she is not as bad as me over the loss of Chris. I am tired of these emotions popping up now and then especially when I need to do things. People are probably tired of Chris coming up in conversations. It seems no matter what conversation it is it is like Chris did that or Chris and I would do that or he taught me how etc.

Right now I feel like going to a buffet and just eat forever. Why am I here and have such a great daughter?

It's 2:45am and I am still awake. I am so tired I can't sleep. I wrote a blog earlier but it turned out to be more of a diary than a post. And no I am not tending my farms to stay awake because the system is having errors, even to the Fort Wayne friend who has 12 farms. Thank God I have tomorrow I mean today off. I think I will see if I can get news here on line to put me to sleep. Hopefully, I will be able to get up before noon to go help Don.

What a Great way to celebrate my 100th blog

Today I worked on three cakes for Delphia's birthday. She will be seven in 20 minutes. I got 2 cakes done before going to work and the third done after. They turned out ok not to my liking of what I wanted but I did my best for the time I had to make her day special. We are always more critical of our own things than what others are of us.Delphia's favorite color is pink so there is a lot of pink. I chose to do a princess crown because she is God's princess and I just found out today that Don calls her princess #2.

On Friday night I asked three of the McCallum children what their favorite Bible verse was and Delphia's was John 3:16. I was doing well on this cake until the tip fell off the frosting bag when writing the verse. I repaired it and it is a humble experience because it goes to show that we are not perfect.

When Delphia found out that I was going to be making her cakes a couple days ago she asked for an Aurora cake and Sarah and I told her probably not since I didn't have a pan or time. So when I went to get cake boards and supplies I came across a small Aurora doll and was going to do a heart shape but for some reason chose round. Wish I would've went with heart but oh well. I hope no one(Alex) told her so she will be surprised. For those who don't know Aurora is aka Sleeping Beauty.


So Delphia, in 5 minutes you will be 7 and I want to be the first to congratulate you on one more year of loving Jesus. My prayer for you is that as you grow older you will see how God has worked in and through you and that you will put your trust in Him forever. I love you and hope you have a special day. Remember you are always God's little princess and your dad's little girl.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

99 Bottles on the wall

Today I am writing my 99th post but 3 are drafts of personal prayers for friends and family, what first came to mind was the song 99 bottles on the wall one fell off and then there were 98 bottles on the wall... I am just going to say, I love all of you and I am praying for a miracle of repentance and revival to occur throughout the world and have our focus on Jesus Christ again.

I live by faith in the Son of God who loved me and gave himself for me. Gal 2:20

No one can define love without defining God. No one can explain love without explaining God. And God can only be defined or explained in Jesus Christ.

Tonight in the adult group at church we were in the book of Psalms. We were in chapter 42 vs 1 and 2 but I had flipped to the next page before turning it to the correct one. I saw a prayer I wrote by later verses in 42 for Chris' salvation and I even dated it for some odd reason. It was 10-31-06 so tonight I wrote thank you Jesus for answering prayer in 12/07 :) It made me happy, even though I prayed prior to that day for his salvation that was the day I started praying deeper for him. Praise God. I try not to put God in a box but it does happen time to time but He can not fit into a box, He has plans already and Alex and I are waiting for His time and voice.

I pray for wisdom and understanding as I continue to lean on You. Guide and direct my path that it will be honoring to You. I thank You for Your timing and provisions. I thank You for providing for our needs and the smooth happy transition. I pray that You will show me the way You want me to be a Daniel and give me the strength I need to do that. I do not want to be a Babylonian gal. I love Your way and have a deep desire to know You more. I love you God. I ask if You you could please let Chris know we love him and miss him. Give me the comfort and love that I need right now. Let me feel You so I know all I need is You. I pray for the items that are on my draft that I am not going to post since it is private to those that it involves. Be with ALL my relatives in whatever they are needing or going through. Help the ones who have strayed or don't know You come to You. I thank You for using others to bring me back 10 years ago. I thank You for what you have done for me and what You have walked me through to strengthen me. I love You. Your Daughter. p.s I am waiting and seeing. .

Praising God today that I was at a place when my migraine hit so bad that I had someone available to drive me to a dark room and take care of Alex. I praise God that He took it away by 3pm so Alex could get some reading done for school and that I was able to worship Him tonight. God is so faithful and gracious and I adore Him for that. I am weak all the time without Him in my life.

I pray for those who are sick today that His healing hand will be on them. I pray for those who are losing their jobs or have that God will provide for their needs and show them the right one for them. Help them to keep trusting and praising You. Psalm 143:8 Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. I thank You for providing a position for me out here and that You are surrounding us with those who care for each other and care for You. You use them at the right time to show me that You are still beside me, thank you.

John 14:27 Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. It is so great that God gives us the right kind of peace. We often look at the world or others to find peace including myself, but that only lasts for a moment. I am so thankful that God used this past year to show me that I need to focus more on Him than on things of this world. I have come a long way but still so short of the outcome. I do my best each day.

I hope you are encouraged by this. I saw this on a friends facebook site and I am so glad I am still singing. Thank God and Praise God today for EVERYTHING He has done and is going to do.

Well, All I have to say is God is Great. Loving eachday that He brings. Looking for cake pictures last night to take to work today I came across this photo. It was taken in Sept of 2000. Do I need to say more? With this picture I leave you with smiles and joys for this weekend.

Thank you for your prayers. Work went well today if you overlook the busyness of a Monday then to top it off the flu shots which the pharmacists gives which stops the whole flow of things. I met with Pastor Epley and his wife Sarah tonight. They gave me scripture and encouragement. I am thinking about what they worked with me on and I am going to try it. It may upset family members but if they truely want what is best for me and Alex they will abide by these boundaries I will be setting.

It doesn't matter who is lying to me or if these things happened. From this point on I am taking action for myself and Alex and if others have problems or issues with others they need to work it out, it is not for me to play peacemaker. I am actually debating on going back to have lunch with these people and giving them in writing the boundaries and expectations I am going to put for myself. I don't know. I like the distance for now.

I think back to when I thought I had everything all in order and being handled and deep down it wasn't. I think only one friend of my core of friends knew about Chris drinking. I focused on others so I didn't have to focus on myself. When I praised God for saving Chris not only from eternal death but alcoholism they were like what we didn't know about his drinking but praise God. I need to be needed again by others but at the same time find myself in Christ.

It was so nice to see the progress in Don and Sarah's home. It is coming along. I still say she is my decorator for when I get a home. (when they are done-eight years right Sarah?)

Alex will probably stay at her friends house across the street til I get home around 9:30 on Thursday. I hope to be able to reach out to that family. I am so thankful to God that she has friends here. She only had Jordan as a friend at Holy Cross unless you count teachers. I work with mostly women and so far no drama :) Everyone here is so nice it reminds me of Mayberry. Strangers at the pumps start conversations while pumping gas.

I want to thank Pastor Epley and Sarah for their time away from their kids and their love for the church family. I thank Don and Sarah for their support and helping with the care of Alex. I thank friends and family for their prayers for us.

I leave you with this...

Here is the words to the song.
Three in the morning,
And I'm still awake,
So I picked up a pen and a page,
And I started writing,
Just what I'd say,
If we were face to face,
I'd tell you just what you mean to me,
I'd tell you these simple truths,

Be strong in the LORD and,
Never give up hope,
You're going to do great things,
I already know,
God's got His hand on you so,
Don't live life in fear,
Forgive and forget,
But don't forget why your here,
Take your time and pray,
These are the words I would say,

Last time we spoke,
You said you were hurting,
And I felt your pain in my heart,
I want to tell you,
That I keep on praying,
Love will find you where you are,
I know cause I've already been there,
So please hear these simple truths,

Be strong in the LORD and,
Never give up hope,
You're going to do great things,
I already know,
God's got His hand on you so,
Don't live life in fear,
Forgive and forget,
But don't forget why your here,
Take your time and pray,
These are the words I would say,

From one simple life to another,
I will say,
Come find peace in the Father,

Be strong in the LORD and,
Never give up hope,
You're going to do great things,
I already know,
God's got His hand on you so,
Don't live life in fear,
Forgive and forget,
But don't forget why your here,
Take your time and pray,
Thank God for each day,
His love will find a way,
These are the words I would say

Good Evening, Wow, what a day! I didn't let the enemy defeat me from going to church but I think that is the only thing today. I didn't get to bed til 4am and then I kept getting called by same person this morning. Skipped Sunday School, had an awful conversation with the person calling. Went and prayed after church, had a calm talk for once with this same person but still don't believe what she says but that is for God to deal with. Helped Don for a couple hours but then became too weary to work. (stress, anger, tiredness, soreness)I am so frustrated on that because I am the one to ask if it would be ok to work on what should be a day of rest and then I couldn't pull myself together enough to work more than what I did and so much needs to get done. Slept a couple hours then church. After church a sweet lady asked Alex and I over to pick out a painting she had done. Alex and I only could agree on one painting which is three roses. It was nice and it fit on a wall I didn't have a picture for yet. I wanted a winter scene to go with the one from Aunt Lois but Alex loves roses and it made her evening. Alex asked me tonight over dinner if dad was still alive would we have had to move? I told her no.

I don't know who to believe right now. I see some things that was brought up that may have happened but not to sure it did. There is a lot of hurt from over the years that have built up and Chris and I kept peace for all or atleast tried to. I am not sure what I am going to do. 1John 3:7 says Dear children, do not let anyone lead you astray (wrong way)Christ is all that is right and so to be like Christ we must do what is right. How do I know who is right? or that the information I believe is right is truely right or am I believing wrong truth?

How do I know Chris is with God? I know I felt peace about his death but tonight we talked about sinning and we all battle sin. In the second half of 1John 3:15 it says no murderers have eternal life. Chris took his life which makes him a murderer to himself so therefore he didn't have God in him.

I meet with Pastor Epley tomorrow evening, I am not liking it right now because I am feeling that I need to keep quiet and to myself so the despair or tiredness doesn't flow onto others. It has been 7 and 1/2 months so it shouldn't be a burden anymore. This church family is great, they all care for another but who can I trust and how do I know what is ok to share? I knew back home who and when to share.

Today we went to Waterloo to get Alex's glasses adjusted from when I got her new frames when I was still in Indiana and she was not with me to. They have a store here. We also tried to locate the Assembly of God church that her children's pastor told me about before leaving.(He is from Iowa as well and will be at church camp out here next summer) We ate lunch at Carlos and it wasn't the same. I miss my Carlos family. Before leaving today we called Mrs. Hoffman (Alex's first grade teacher) and she said she was going to give us a few more days then email mom for info. and we called the one friend Alex had in school but Jordan wasn't home nor her mom Gina. So we left msg on answering machine.

I fell asleep this afternoon after getting home. I woke up around 5pm and Sarah was on voicemail saying if I wanted I could help Don that they were done relaxing for their anniversary. So I worked 3 hours with him. I plan to go after church to help again since there is a lot of work to be done by next week and it is suppose to rain Monday and Tuesday.

I bought two books today at the Christian bookstore. One Jennifer recommended and that one is Bondage Breaker by Neil Anderson and the second one I saw next to it and sounds like I need it and that one is Victory over the darkness by same author. Bondage one is about overcoming negative thoughts, irrational feelings, and habitual sins. The other one is realizing the power of your identity in Christ.

I failed my commitment for bible study. I am trying not to go out and eat at restuarants for the duration of the study and I have failed. I am going to try again not to. I am not going to let this set back discourage me from trying to do it.

P.S.
I am having quiet time with God and what do you know, day three of the Daniel homework, it talks about training yourself in godliness. In 1 Timothy it says don't follow foolish stories that disagree with God's truth (cousin) and training body helps in some ways but serving God helps in everyway and brings blessings in life and future. See, Satan wanted me to feel quilty about my procrastination but today is the day I needed this. God knew that. Romans 6:19 You must give yourselves to be slaves of goodness then you will live only of God. Help me, Lord. I am weak in my natural self. Help me not to be all about what I am going through. Help me to turn to you before others.

Good Evening, It has been for the most part a great day. I got home from work and Mackenna was having fun with Alex. As I was saying goodbye to her one of Alex's school mates came over from across the street with siblings and mom and wondered if she could go to the game tonight with them. I allowed her to go and she used her allowance to go since I had no cash and I was going to spend the night with her but this left opportunity to talk to my sister privately about things and also my neighbor in Indiana was on facebook and we chatted for about a half hour. Don is still mowing my yard to keep it nice and they haven't seen anyone come by the house yet. I am liking it here other than missing people I love. I have decided to just delete the voicemails before listening to them for now so I can focus on God fully. Todays was one of the worst ones. I am feeling right now that I could care less if I have anymore contact with her rest of my life, but deep down I love her and she and her husband has done a lot to help Chris and I this past year. I can hear the announcer here at my house from the game and my doors and windows are closed. It reminds me of home because Northside did the same.

I got my Iowa license today for pharmacy in the mail. :) I am officially an Iowaian as far as work, have to wait a couple more weeks for drivers license and plates for cars.

I saw Sarah for a few moments today and she looked great. I kinda envy(good kind) her when she has makeup and dressy clothes on. Hope you had a great day, you deserve a great day.

Ok, since I am alone now I better get off and get my butt in gear. I am going to spend alone time with God and my bible study. Funny, I just wrote this and phone rings for cable. I need to say NO and I did. Then call waiting rang and it was mom.

I chose to change the picture at top of blog to this one because Alex didn't want to be the focus everywhere. So I chose this one because Chris hand painted it and it was for Alex in her room and it reminds me that God is near in these storms. Bless Sarah's heart, she came in this morning around 10am and sat on the bed til I got up, she was not going to let me off of walking today with her. We did walk and it was a great time. I saw where her uncle lives and rest of Dike I hadn't seen. I also met a gentleman who lives in an apartment that her uncle owns tonight at work. Work went well and I am enjoying the friendliness/patience that they have for me here.

Tomorrow is Don and Sarah's 11th anniversary and I pray that they have an enjoyable weekend together. They are a lovely couple who sets a great example of a marriage that is based on God's truth and compassion.


I have been trying to sleep with the rings on my right hand instead of left to ease into letting go and tonight I am trying to do so again and see about doing during the day a little bit. I think if I start letting go that maybe the vivid dreams will end. I don't know. I also today got a disturbing phone call from a certain cousin and she still hasn't got the picture that I have moved. She is still full of deceit and accusations and manipulation. I have decided to ignore her and follow guidance of my counselor that Chris had no contact with family prior to Alex being 1 1/2 so I should follow his lead.

Good Evening, Work went well today, not so many flu shots today. Alex is missing Indiana, she asked when will we go visit her friends at church and g'ma, g'pa, and Jennifer,Bart, Ken. Shocking she said nothing about his side. I found out tonight that this spirit week at school revolves around Michael Jackson so I am no longer allowing Alex to dress up for the days. I do not think he is or was a great role model. If we can't bring God in schools I don't think they should bring wrongful people for our kids to idolize. Don made a good point of one of his co-workers said, why not base a week on Presidents or Thomas Edison or people like that. Plus, since when is high school brought to elementary? We didn't do homecoming weeks til 9th grade and it was silly things like backwards day, pjs, inside out day, etc.

Wow, the enemy is really working, Alex isn't worrying about herself, she is doing things she knows is unpleasing to God and thinks it was ok because others seem to be doing it. I am still not feeling at peace about these sleepless night vivid scenes and the enemy has me feeling guilty because I asked for prayer tonight.

Alex is excited for Friday, McCanna(sp?) is babysitting after school til I get home around 6pm since it is Don and Sarah's Anniversary. CONGRATULATIONS, both of you on working together and honoring God in your marriage. We love you and appreciate your help and wisdom.

I made it through the day. I think I managed to get close to 3 hours sleep last night not all together. I was non-stop at work with the flu shots and then afterwards I went to get Alex but before heading home helped bring branches up for Don as he prepares to get his part of the landscaping done before the excavator comes which is working them in so they will have grass in spring. The last load I did I over did it. My back and shoulders are so tight now and I am so awake. Thank you Jennifer for the verses and prayer you sent me it means a lot to me.

Today was picture day and tomorrow is dress another culture day. So I went to garage and got a Hawaiian shirt of Chris' for Alex to wear tomorrow. I am praying the girls don't get lice, I can't deal with that right now as well as what I am having on my plate now.

The song Savior Please kept playing today for me. Along with I Will Rise those songs kept me going in February. I am still pressing on and will continue to do so.

Anybody know any verses to get the enemy out of your mind so I can sleep. Atleast twice a week I sleep but then wake up every 2 to 10 minutes because I see different ways of someone I love or loved take their life in my beautiful old home. I don't understand because it didn't happen at my home. I don't know how much longer I can go without sleep and maintain peacefulness with Alex. I already get snippy easily. I know I don't sleep well to begin with at night since I was a kid and now it is about 3 hours a night I get good sleep. I don't like it that I dislike Chris all the time now. This also makes me worry about others I now know have this same illness he had that they told me either when he died or since that they will do the same and I actually see them sometimes as well. Why did Adam and Eve have to sin? Why does the enemy get to your humanwill?(I know so we can have eternal life) Why didn't God give the strength to Chris that he needed to get through this battle? He was doing great in building his love for God!I do not like seeing him dressed in his best suit and different ways of how you can make yourself die. It is very low of you satan. I just wrote positive things yesterday and I am praising and trusting God. This is one of the reasons why I left Indiana, I thought it wouldn't be so bad if I didn't stay around to see the house or my love ones I see.

Sure way to a Happy day

Happiness is something we create in our mind, it is not something you search for and so seldom find. It's just waking up and beginning the day by counting our blessings and kneeling to pray. It's giving up thoughts that breed discontent and accepting what comes as a gift heaven-sent. It's giving up wishing for things we have not and making the best of whatever we've got. It's knowing that life is determined for us and pursuing our tasks without fret, fume. or fuss. For it is by completing what God gives us to do that we find real contentment and happiness, too. (Helen Steiner Rice)

Whatever you do in word or deed do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God and the Father through Him. Colossians 3:17

I am trying to keep my commitment to Christ. I am trying to get motivated. I am trying to do my homework. I need to do it. I want to do it. I just need to do it. I need to stop being a procrastinator and just do it. Bible study is a week away and I haven't started the homework. Pray for me. I need a answer key or someone preaching to me as I take notes. I don't like doing this on my own, what if I misinterpret or read it wrong?

Good evening, Happy Grandparents Day to all grandparents. This morning the girls and I made a cake for after church tonight to celebrate Don and Sarah's 11th anniversary on the 18th which is this Friday. Trish who is a sister to my cousin Wendi brought ice cream to have with it. It was kinda neat because I chose a butterfly and this morning there was a catapiller on my tire. I decided the antannaes are for the year. We split up the cake to decorate. Alex had top right, Marlene top left, Delphia bottom left and I was bottom right and middle.

Jennifer got Alex a Hannah Montanna wig and the girls loved it. Delphia wanted pictures of everyone wearing it but the older girls wouldn't allow themselves to do what Delphia wanted. I had a talk about including her and the weekend went better so here is "Hannah Montana"

Well, I have to say the one word to describe me this year is tired! Hope you have a great week. Love, LouAnn

Just be praying for me I had a blog written but I just deleted because some of it I am ashamed of. I am really angry and upset and confused right now. Thank you and appreciate all of you.

GIRLS NIGHT

Thank you Sarah and Homer for putting our beds together while I was at work. The girls and I made them with clean sheets.
Here is the house that is no longer my stand out brown house. Which we arrived home to.
We haven't had much fun tonight. I left Don and Sarah's around 7pm and fixed the girls popcorn to go with their movie while I hung pictures and ate dinner. Continue to pray for Don as he is not feeling well and there is so much to get done. If it doesn't rain tomorrow the girls and I are going to go help with branches but will save time to do a surprise I promised them.
Girls watching movie while eating popcorn!!
The girls doing a horseshoe symbol with legs for the colts! If you ask me it looks like the field goal posts.
The girls smiling pretty with animals.
The girls wanted a silly picture.
Here is the main wall in kitchen I made it my family wall.

Work went well and I enjoyed the day until listening to voicemails on the way to get the girls but I am over it and I am going to have a great weekend. I might make pancakes tomorrow for the girls or french toast. It has been 3 days now that I have either eaten homecooked meals or packed my lunch. No eating out!!! And I haven't had much pop either :)

Where is my house. I love my little brown house and it is gone. I now have a pale cream color house. Alex walked to school to get on shuttle bus this morning all on her own. Big step for me. Work was crazy today. The flu shots are killing us. I have not eaten out for 2 days now. :) A girl from across the street came over tonight as Alex was in bathtub and asked if she could go play volleyball with them. I was amazed because Alex said this same girl gives her a hard time in playing another game at school. I think it is just competition talking while at school.
Alex failed an accelerated reading test today and we had a talk about slowing down to read and understanding it and not to just fly through a book to get done so she can play. I told her I will have Sarah and I have her not play at all and she will just do reading and homework til bed if she doesn't put her all into it. I told her I want her to re-read the book and test but it won't count but said teacher told her to return it so I will see what I can do. Pray for strength that I can stick to discipline because she is pushing as far as she can as far as listening and obeying. Fortunately, Sarah and I are on track together and working together to enforce unity.

I love you all but I have to get going on this mess!!

First Day at new location

Today went well. I found out that Iowa is very different from Indiana.

Indiana / Iowa
1. workflow chart 1. no workflow just teamwork
2. need id for controls 2. no id for controls not even C-2's
3. pharmacist takes md calls 3. senior techs can take md calls
4. scan and file scripts (alpha) 4. scan/sticker/file scripts(numeric)
5. pharmacy puts truck away 5. manager does truck
6. can wear dressy capris 6. has to be long dress pants

The people I work with are great but I miss the family atmosphere that I had at Fort Wayne. I work 2 minutes away from Sarah's mom and was nice to see her today. She stopped in to say hi and to invite me for lunch for my first day. She made pizza on onion flavored bagels. YUM!!

I didn't have caffeine til 5:30pm when I got off. I had 64 ounces of water prior. Sarah then had yummy lasanga made for supper before church tonight. I am thankful for her support with Alex and being a good friend in Christ. Each day I learn more about their family. Maybe I need to just be a gypsie and move to each family area to get to know who they are and how they live. :) I know, Don, once is enough.

Well, gotta go tuck my little one in so I pray that you will have a blessed night.

What God has called us to do to get refocused

This was Alex on Sunday night after a long day of church and unpacking. I got her bed cleared off around 10:30pm and as soon as she laid down she was out. I love her and she has been great through all of this. She is still loving school.
Good Afternoon, today is my last day to get organized before having to go to work again. This past month has been great. The move went smoothly and better than what I expected. I have been praying to God for guidance and also I have mostly decluttered my life so I can focus on Alex and God. Today God spoke to me through something I read and it is In quietness and trust shall be your strength. Let it be our care to walk uprightly and then let us trust God to give us everything that is good for us. I have Woman's Bible study tonight. Praying God will speak to me there.

WOW!!! Who would have imagined going from this big house to a very small house. And that it would only take 5 towncar loads and 2 truck/trailer loads. Hard to believe after giving away so much stuff to friends and family. Oh, can't forget the donation to goodwill and to the trash. Our home now is very cozy but Alex and I need cozy right now. I hope to set an example for her to have quiet time with God more than rushing through the reading to just have it done to quality time. As the improvements come I will post comparisons of rooms on my blog.

I am leaving you with a picture of a godly man who I couldn't have done this move so smoothly without. He amazed me on how much stuff he could get in the trailer both times. He even sacrificed time away from family, work, and his housing project to help Alex and I out. I also want to thank my dad and brothers as well for their help. I didn't have a camera then to take pictures.

New home

It has been hard for me not to be able to get on and write this past month. But I am back! So far I met a neighbor across the street and the deputy sheriff (next door) who they both happen to be very helpful in helping me with things I needed help on. Pray for Don and I as we are congested and he is not feeling the best. I get to go grocery shopping with Sarah tomorrow so I can cook!:) I have my kitchen in order and my "living room" almost there. I plan on getting the clothes put in dressers tomorrow and hang pictures. Don't worry, I picked a few and packed the rest for storage. I thought it was great that only 2 picture frame glass broke and 2 other frames just got dinged out of all that was packed into one long rubbermaid tote without padding. I am determined to get all settled in before Friday so the 2 McCallum girls and Alex and I can have a fun weekend together. I will post pictures sometime. I am also hoping to get thank yous out sometime as well from the going away party mom threw for us and I really appreciated. Got more things to do and get Alex to bed so take care and glad to be back. Love, LA

Today I brought Alex out after church and saying goodbye to our servers at Carlos OKellys. We had a nice time and she didn't complain about knees in dashboard. I complained about the smell of her though, many times. Don't feed her beans and then travel. We had a lot of laughs once we got near Waterloo because as my mom would say I need a navigator device. We made it to Sarah's and Don's after using a half tank more than needed but if that is what it takes to have laughter with my daughter I am more than happy to do so.

Yesterday, was good and unpleasant. I got an unpleasant note in mail and I am praying for God's guidance in that as far as if I should meet with her. Mom and friends planned a going away/custody party for her grandkids and they had a nice time except a little episode with Anthony and mom feeling bad afterwards because I came across the wrong way. But, both of these issues got worked out. One of my family members also talked to me in a way that shocked me. It was uncalled for and I felt like this person was putting God in a box, if God does this then I will...

I am shocked that I am not feeling overwhelmed or much nervousness. I feel bad because I read that my cousin is. I can say that I can't wait for this to be done and we don't have to travel back and forth and work out when and how to move things. I appreciate all that they have done for me like setting up appts and schooling issues and looking into uhaul and even taking time from their projects to help. I can't thank them or my family enough for their help since Chris' death.

I am lucky to have a daughter who has a big bladder like I do. We only had to stop once to get gas and take a break. Which is usually at the Iowa 80 truck stop exit. It was so nice to ride with Alex but as she would say I am not safe to drive alone because I will get lost. But the both times I went wrong she has been with me. I traveled fine last time when it was just me. :) Looking forward to bike rides and walks with her and cousins and friends. Just a relaxing time after many days of packing and moving and driving.

I better get some sleep for tomorrow. I have to unpack my car and check mail and tour school with Alex and call phone company. Then head home to be at work early Tuesday.

Be praying for those who the enemy is after. I found out today that one of my prayer partners and a friend from church is struggling with Bi-polar and hearing things like Chris. I went up to see how she was doing and she said fine but I sensed differently so after a couple of are you sure she told me. I also found out earlier this week about my jeweler's step daughter having it as well. I prayed with my friend today and I am asking as God lays it on your heart to pray for these people that the enemy will be bound and that God's promises and voice will overcome the enemy's. Having lived through this with my husband I know that this is not a light matter. It is very real and takes a toll not only on the person but those around helping them get through the rock bottom of despair and voices. Pray that God will send many strong godly people to be their support and together conquer through.

It is almost midnight. I had counseling today and she was overwhelmed (good way) by all the at peace and joy words I had. She then told me that the wait a year thing was text book and she believes this is where God is directing me now and He has opened the doors. She would stop me if it was to go live near a guy that I met on internet or something or to run away from life. I told her I have declutter my life to be a mom that I have always wanted to be to Alex. She didn't even know who she was talking to. She had forgotten this person. I told her it is because I have been in Iowa and also separated myself from people and things the enemy tries to get me down with. I am surrounding myself with good healthy people. She grew up half an hour north of Des Moines. One of my favorite guest speakers from First Assembly died Monday night of cancer. Mom even liked what he had to say. Nancy told me this tonight. I am going to miss her but I will call her and email. She loved how I stood up for myself on the phone to Sue that mom listened in on the other week. She was saying go girl about me telling Sue how I make the decisions not others because I am Alex's mother. Counseling and reading the boundaries book has really helped. Nancy gave me another title to read that is by the same author as boundaries called saved people, I think, it's written on paper out in the car. I have to read it before taking my ring off and dating. She also said I will know when it is time to take off my ring because it will be a feeling beyond understanding.
I will see her Sunday because I forgot to take her the gifts I am giving her. (sit down to read next thing) the gifts are 3 Mickey mugs because she loves mickey as well and she drinks coffee. I did keep some for myself. I am also giving her a mickey snowglobe because she helped Chris and I with our marriage of communicating with one another after becoming sober two winters ago.

You know what is funny, I am missing Iowa right now but at the same time missing here as well. Can I be split in two so I can be two places at once? I better go to bed. I got a long day ahead. I am not tired yet but will try to get there.
I got my pantry packed, games and puzzles, hutch items packed, mickey as well. I just a few dishes still and my clothes then I believe I am done.
As far as renting a truck it is very costly. It will be cheaper doing several trips.

I have to turn in my internet connection tomorrow(Friday) so unless I write in the morning I won't be on for a short time. I will try to use other sources to write on blogs but no guarantees. I love all of you.

My headache is doing better but I had to take maxalt and ibuprofen again this morning to get through the day. Tomorrow I have to turn in my internet connection so I won't be on til Sept. unless I use Sarah's on the days I will be out there taking things back and forth. I have counseling tonight since she was sick on Tuesday. I am trying to get motivated on packing the rest of the things so I will be done and can just take trips back and forth to move. It is depressing here with nothing on walls and shelves.

Here is a cute saying for today that a regular customer told us he is in his 90's... I named my old car, do you know what I named it? I named it constipated because it couldn't pass anything.

I found out today that since I was in a 50 zone that they only do 10 over in order to do the deferred so it now will show on my license for 7 years and cost me 141.50. So I will now set my cruise control more often or atleast when I have a migraine. I'm ok with it, it was my mistake and I don't have a huge mortgage anymore to pay. I am proud of myself for this being the 1st in over 11 years.

I got up this morning at 8 and laid in bed til 9 and then Alex and I did errands before meeting friends at Chuckie Cheeses. Then after 4 hours there we went and got a new cell phone plan. I messed with phone and converted pictures over for over an hour then mom showed up to do hers and dads. We therefore lost track of time and Jennifer was frustrated because the location of meeting plus us being late was not connected right. It hurt to see her frustrated then time didn't allow us to see much of the zoo together nor eat together.

Before leaving zoo though Alex got two real peacock feathers for me. They were not from a full grown one. It's a long story on why she did this. So when or if you think of it when we are together I will tell you.

I have another headache tonight almost a migraine but not quite. I also opened the mail that was delivered today from me holding it since Thursday. In it was a card from Sue and inside it was a copy of the letter Chris wrote her that she happened to have laminated for herself and pointed out parts of it when we went out for Alex's birthday which wasn't even about Alex that night by their choosing. Why she sent this to me I don't know except to make me feel bad all over again, but I am choosing to not let it disturb me so much. Yes, it hurts but I am not going to dwell on it like I have in the past or at least I am praying I won't.

On my new phone I can check email and facebook but can't respond so if you need to write me you can but I won't respond or post once my internet is canceled here until I get there and I don't know when the cut off will be so don't fret if you don't hear from me for a couple of weeks.

Hope your week is going well. Mine is for the most part. I am excited to see what God has in store for Alex's and my journey together. Please keep us in your prayers and those who are helping us that we will be safe and injury free.

Going Crazy!!

I am not doing well emotionally. The walls are now bare and there are piles of items everywhere. I didn't realize what I have become knowing Chris. I am a clean finatic when it comes to organization. I am also feeling down because as I pack I am packing the memories and reliving them. Alex said tonight in the car on the way home from having dinner with family,too bad daddy is not here to see the changes and see disney next year. I said he will in spirit and she said and in our hearts. I am thinking if he was here this wouldn't be happening but I don't tell her that. I am so angry at the enemy right now. Where I get my jewelry one of the guys there must not of known about Chris because he asked as he was inspecting my diamond where is your hubby? I told him and he said sorry and he understands somewhat because his step daughter has Chris' illnesses and he is experiencing the same as I did. I have friends and distant relatives who are breaking their vows. God and many of you know, I struggled to stay in my marriage but I did and now I am thankful because the enemy lost, but I see the enemy winning in illnesses and marriages and it frustrates me. I just want to sock him one over and over. I want to beat him til he is dead for what he did to my loving little family. I picture over and over in my mind of beating and kicking him. I bind your evil ways in the name of Jesus. I cast out the impurities of my life and those who know Christ in Jesus Name. YOU WILL NOT WIN!!!!

I tried calling to see how much my stupidity cost me and I won't know til 7 to 14 days when it will be in the system. Then it is up to the prosecutor's office to decide if I can do the deferred program. But, I don't know if it was because it wasn't so humid out or what but the air in the car worked today too good. Yesterday, it started blowing warm air out so I had my windows down to cool off. As, mom said, things have been going smoothly and I needed a bump in the road sometime.

Tonight or tomorrow I will work on packing blankets and towels. I need to buy a cooler as well so I can transport my frozen food. Anybody, with trucks who wants to help move me is more than welcome to. It's 8 hours from my house. Round trip will take most of day. I am moving Aug. 31 to hopefully be done by Sept. 7.