Todays verse: Rev. 3:20 Here I am I stand at the door and knock. If you hear my voice and open the door I will come in. (Fling the door of your heart wide open and let God in. If you learn to do that everything you touch all day long will be stamped with the presence of God.)

I am so angry right now. I got my mail tonight about 10:30pm and there was the package I have been expecting for about two weeks now. Inside was a very old house key from before July and pictures and a very disturbing letter. She knew the key was no good and more accusations. Can you believe she said I have been mean and have disowned them since Chris died and that they are hurt by me and my family and don't know who or what to believe. I better take care of myself for Alex's sake. etc. I called a friend I shouldn't have but he said some great things. He said I should believe my family because these other people have issues and want me to respond because it intices them. It is their game. He told me to quit the game. He also told me I need to call my parents more than once a month. Which I try to. My dad actually said to me last weekend I sound happier but misses me. I am happier until I let these other people interfere. I just keep praying and hoping people change. I am starting to feel like I shouldn't have made Chris get his family involved with us. He didn't have anything to do with them until Alex turned 1 and some age 2. Why? I hate this because everytime this happens I struggle with God and angry at Chris and the fact God didn't make him stronger to fight through this. What I really want for Christmas and even for Thanksgiving is for family to be loving and respectful. I want trust and truth. This really hurts. My worst fear is when Alex gets older and goes and sees these people I will be the one blamed for keeping her away. I can't tell her what is going on because she is just 9. She hasn't even asked about them or said anything about missing them. I love these people because they are apart of Chris and they even helped while Chris was hospitalized. This friend of mine asked why do you worry about what others say or think? I don't have that answer but I do know that it is because I am a people pleaser and obsessed with peace and likeness for me. I keep saying I quit the game but jump right back into it. WHY?

I couldn't believe this but I asked one of my friends who is a co-worker as well if she knows any good guys that might go out. Some of me wasn't serious but more than half was. She didn't and that is okay.

As I was tucking the girls into bed, I picked up Alex's Bible off the floor and on the back she had written a prayer. A prayer:I am glad God loves me and hope my dad is safe which I know he is but please let me know and I love you amen. I have tears now. Her prayer was mine for awhile but God has shown me his salvation is forever through songs and scripture so I would have that peace. I thank God for making a safe trip for Sarah and giving her good bonding time. I pray that you will bless her this weekend as well. We are sending our love in thoughts. I pray that I didn't do anything to cause Delphia to want to stay home tonight. I really want to be a peaceful mom even when they do wrong.

I am so proud of Alex. We got report card today. No C's. 2 A's and rest B's. The comments were Effort was very good Behavior is that she sets a good example and Work Habits that she works independantly.(which she has been since age 2 always had to open her door by herself no matter where we went)Teacher wrote:Alex is a pleasure to have in class. She has made the transition well. She fits in well with her classmates. She is always kind and considerate of others. Her average overall is 88.2 which is a B. :)

It's midnight and of course I am tired but can't sleep. I was up til 2am last night then woke up every hour. Took girls to school(no bus since I didn't know if Sarah would want that plus got me out of bed) and then I closed tonight. Picked up Marlene and Alex because that is who wanted to stay over. We will probably go to ford dealer to see about getting a front plate put on. Kinda wanted to ask Don if I could take kids to Indiana since no school on Monday but I didn't think I could do that with the kids. I am used to one not 4-6 kids. So we will find things here to occupy our time. Good night it is 1:45am and the girls will probably get up in 5 hours. Hope I can fall asleep.